My favorite movie of all time is Disney's "Beauty and the Beast." I adore this movie for several reasons. As a music major, I have yet to find a movie with a better, more moving soundtrack. The opening scene of waterfall, haunting piano music gives me chills every time. I love the purity and romance of the story. I love that redemption, honesty, inner beauty, and love are celebrated. What I love most about the movie is that I completely relate with Belle's character. Ok, maybe not the beauty part. I have never been in danger of being considered the catch of the town or even beautiful. However, growing up, I was totally that girl walking down the street with her nose in a book. Not academic books either, mind you, but stories of "far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise!"
The climax of the movie for me (and the part as a young girl that I found myself always singing, pretending I was Belle) was after Belle is offered a marriage proposal by the male town catch. She is offered a chance to settle down in what the town considers the best opportunity a girl can possibly attain. What does Belle do? She not only throws her potential suitor out the door, into the mud, but goes on to explain what she really wants. With dramatic music and fantastic artistry that captures the longing in her face she sings, "I want much more than this provincial life! I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell!" And then the music calms and gets more reflective to something she wants even more deep in her inner being. "And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned."
That phrase always stuck with me. Like Belle, I always knew that I wanted adventure and to do great things, not for the acclaim or riches, but because I knew I was destined to and I wanted more than just "this provincial life." However, I realized early on that not very many people felt the same way or understood my longing. As a girl, Belle was the only person who understood me. Well, Belle and one other person...God.
From an early age, I was lucky enough to make the decision to let Him pilot my life. Not just in theory, but I really do let Him make the decisions for me. I've always been able to find His sense of peace and KNOW when a decision was what He wanted. It always took time, but in the end I have never regretted a single decision that I knew was His way. And I knew that God had destined me for something great! I could feel it in my bones! I still believe it today. However, I am finding an interesting pattern in His decision making.
My first great adventure started as a senior in highschool. I was fantastic at music. I was told over and over that I could go to Broadway and I knew I could, too. God needed Christians in the musical world and there was nothing that thrilled my soul like the adventure of being on stage, in the spotlight, singing my heart out, and loving what I was doing!!! Even now I can hear the soundtrack of my life starting up in my head with that dramatic music and then....zmph. The music comes to a screeching, fizzling halt. God walked in and said, "Um...nice idea, but nope. I have other plans." "Hmmm...." I said. "Well, I know you have big plans for me, so what else could they be?" Cue the music!
Being a missionary! I loved kids, I loved working with kids, I love other cultures and I had no male relationships in my life and no desire to risk myself with any of the male specimens around me. To work in an orphanage...I would love that! That has got to be it! So many things grew my love for missions and going on a big adventure around the world!!!!...zmph. "Nope, not quite it." Then God throws a husband my way. I mean, I love this man more than anything and he is the greatest husband in the world, but marriage? Really? What could be more boring and un-Belle like.
In fact, if there's one thing I've learned about marriage it is that life becomes as much anti-adventure as possible. You spend the evenings at home...again. You worry about the adventures of money and try to avoid them with every fiber of your being. When there's two of you, you're kind of stuck. You can't zip across the world to meet a need or take a low paying job that will save the world. You just become...steady.
And then I found something I loved more than anything else in the past. Something I knew I was knitted together in the womb for, completely and utterly made for! Music ministry in the church! Something I'd always dreamt about doing, but wasn't sure I could possibly attain. The fun and meaning of changing kid's lives through kid's choir. The excitement of directing a show or concert. The majesty of leading a choir. The importance of 60+ people looking to you for leadership with trusting, eager faces. The thrill of directing an orchestra and the utter joy of realization that you've never enjoyed anything more! The perfection of touching someone's life with your testimony about God on a weekly basis, despite the fact that you stumbled through it. And the best part...I can do it while being married! There is adventure here!
...zmph. Then I got pregnant. Let me tell you, it's pretty impossible to enjoy the majesty of a Sunday morning when all you can think about is when you can escape to put your head in the toilet. It's also pretty impossible to follow an adventurous career at church when you have a little cling-on. Talk about being pulled way down to earth by a tiny hand. I landed with a huge "thump!" Throughout my pregnancy I know both my husband and I both felt that "thump!" of responsibility. Now we're really stuck. As I looked for jobs to do after the baby, I found myself in tears again and again wishing I could follow that adventure, follow what God made me to do. Isn't that what I should be doing? Why in the world if God made me for adventure did He make it impossible? For really, with this baby I had followed typical protocol and knew that this baby was what God wanted for me and when He wanted it. So what was up?
It came to a head a few nights ago in a dream. I dreamed that my husband and I were a week away from graduation. I don't know what exact degrees we were getting, but we had both struggled through and were getting our masters degrees! We were so excited! In my dream (and probably in reality as I slept) I started to cry. I had achieved an adventure and honor I have always wanted. What's more, this degree was going to help slingshot both of us into further adventures. Then I woke up... I kept on crying. In fact, I was crying inside the rest of the day. The disappointment that not only had we not even started on our masters, but really there is no real hope in sight of getting it. Really, there is no hope in sight for any of our adventures. That realization finally settled in and stung. Boy did I resent this baby!
A few days past and I felt a little encouraged by a new adventure. It's not that big nor that great and will only last for a short time. It's going to stink basically the entire time and not receive a lot of appreciation. Ok, let's face it. It's an adventure I've never really wanted to have and I'm just holding onto it because it's the only one I have left. The adventure of birth. I'm at most a week away from the hellish adventure of labor. Here is an adventure that God has given me...and something that deep inside, I'm really looking forward to. An adventure that is pure and clean and meant to be since the dawn of time. An adventure I've realized that I wouldn't trade for any of the others. An adventure that's going to bring me my beloved baby boy.
And it hit me. So far I've been following God's leading. Instead of the big adventures I keep getting led off on all of these rabbit trails of typical life, missing out on the big events. Definitely not where I wanted to be, definitely the places I scorned other people for ending up, but definitely where God has led me. But what if these are the big adventures? After all, what could be more beautiful than showing God in our marriage and changing a friend's life through it? What can be better than to hear I've been missed at my little church ministry and that there's an adventurous job waiting for me later? What can be more exciting than trying to work out future adventurous possibilities around a family? And, perhaps, what can be a greater adventure than bringing new life into the world?
Belle, I finally have your answer. Life , yes even this provincial one, is the big adventure.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Friends Forever?
What makes a good friend? Do you ever feel like you’ve wasted your time on someone? I am not one of those people who has many friends. I am a homebody and can only handle investing so much of my week in social activities. When I make a friendship, I like to dig deep, way past the acquaintance stage, and make friends for life. As a result of this, I had almost no friends growing up. I eventually learned how to make many acquaintances and yet delve deep into the lives of a few. Through trial and error I learned to recognize pretty quickly what friends were “worth it” and would last and which friends could never go past the surface. I invest most of my time and energy into those few because I know that those few will stick around and not waste the little time I have to give. Maybe that sounds selfish, but it’s the most effective way for me to operate and still maintain good friendships. Those people will tell you that I’ll do anything for them. I spend hours being a listening ear, having fun times, and supporting them through life. I bleed, pray, sweat, and agonize over my close friends. Over the course of my life, I have made less than 10 of these types of friends.
My question today is, “where are they now?” If they are such good friends, where are they now?! Well, the good news is that the best friend I’ve ever made is my husband. He has been right here by my side supporting me through these last hellish 9 months. He’s not perfect, but he’s always been there for me even before we were an item and I know he will be there until his dying day.
The best female friends I ever made were in college. I’m happy to say that they are still wonderful friends I know that I can count on. The problem is that they’re all over the country and have lives of their own. That’s just life though, not a choice any of us has made.
But what about those people who are here, but aren’t there? I cannot even begin to recount the hours, weeks, months, worth of time I have spent on friends out here. Yet, I am just now realizing that for all of the time I have been there for them, they have been almost non-existent in my struggles. Sure, some of them have excuses. The problem is that I’m beginning to realize that they always seem to have excuses. I am realizing that I am now at the end of my 9 months and my friends have never kicked in, so to speak. Hmm…
So my question is how in the world do you know if people are worth spending time on? I do not take a completely selfish view to friendship nor do I necessarily regret the impact I’ve had on my friends’ lives. However, there have been many times where I’ve said no to other friends or lost time with my husband for these friends. I feel like I’ve run around the world for them several times over. Was all of that completely necessary? How do you keep from being a fool and giving everything to a friend that will never give back? When you don’t have your family nearby, it is so important to have good friends to help you when the going gets rough. I sure wish I had figured this out before I needed backup. I don’t make friends easily or trust people easily. This is exactly why. To all of my true friends and family, boy do I miss you!
My question today is, “where are they now?” If they are such good friends, where are they now?! Well, the good news is that the best friend I’ve ever made is my husband. He has been right here by my side supporting me through these last hellish 9 months. He’s not perfect, but he’s always been there for me even before we were an item and I know he will be there until his dying day.
The best female friends I ever made were in college. I’m happy to say that they are still wonderful friends I know that I can count on. The problem is that they’re all over the country and have lives of their own. That’s just life though, not a choice any of us has made.
But what about those people who are here, but aren’t there? I cannot even begin to recount the hours, weeks, months, worth of time I have spent on friends out here. Yet, I am just now realizing that for all of the time I have been there for them, they have been almost non-existent in my struggles. Sure, some of them have excuses. The problem is that I’m beginning to realize that they always seem to have excuses. I am realizing that I am now at the end of my 9 months and my friends have never kicked in, so to speak. Hmm…
So my question is how in the world do you know if people are worth spending time on? I do not take a completely selfish view to friendship nor do I necessarily regret the impact I’ve had on my friends’ lives. However, there have been many times where I’ve said no to other friends or lost time with my husband for these friends. I feel like I’ve run around the world for them several times over. Was all of that completely necessary? How do you keep from being a fool and giving everything to a friend that will never give back? When you don’t have your family nearby, it is so important to have good friends to help you when the going gets rough. I sure wish I had figured this out before I needed backup. I don’t make friends easily or trust people easily. This is exactly why. To all of my true friends and family, boy do I miss you!
Friday, August 27, 2010
The War of the Ribs
Do you believe that children are born inherently good? Do you believe that it’s society’s fault for corrupting our little angels? That they come out these cute little saints and then their parents get ahold of them and all hell breaks loose, literally? Well, you’re stupid. Or you’ve never really been near children. I don’t believe that anyone who has worked with young children and has even the tiniest bit of brains in their heads can deny that truth of an inherent sin nature. After working with kids for over 17 years, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Nobody ever has to teach a child how to lie or how to be selfish or how to manipulate their parents. Nope, kids know these tricks right from the get go and boy are they good at them!
For whatever reason, I think this is the funniest thing. I have two nieces and an adopted niece, all under 13 months old. I get the biggest kick out of watching their natural sin nature kick in even at their young ages. At 13 months old, my little niece is starting to learn the word “no” (always one of their first words). However, this is not where it starts. Oh no! At 8 months old, babies are fully capable of a full out fit if they don’t get their way. Even at 3 months or earlier they start developing this distinct cry in which you can totally hear, “That’s not fair! I’m not getting my way! I refuse to be happy simply because I’m not getting my way!” I have seen little babies that are just learning to crawl find out the evil thrill of the response you get from biting your little friend. Once they find any mobility (walking, crawling, even rolling over) we all know exactly where the first place they go to is. The forbidden territory is always the highlight. What’s a little toddler boy’s first response to a bug? Stomp! Utter domination and destruction! I can’t help but chuckle when I see this natural reaction from children.
Why in the world do I find it funny? I mean, sin is sin and sin is a very nasty thing. Well, perhaps it’s because they’re sinning with such innocence. They’re not hiding behind pretenses or feeling guilty for their behavior. That is something they also learn how to do pretty fast, but I love how little children originally just let that sinful attitude out without trying to pretty it up. It’s so honest. I love seeing that same ugliness that I like to hide when I sin just coming out. It reminds me of how ugly sin really is. It reminds me about how like a selfish, fit throwing child I really am. That sinning child is inside all of us, but we make it a lot uglier by trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. Trying to blame our sins on others. Babies don’t care who is keeping them from eating fast enough, they just know that they aren’t being satisfied quickly enough for their tastes. Babies don’t hide behind pretenses and throw out cutting remarks to mom about her lack of skill in meeting their needs. Nope, they just let that ugly squeal out that we adults like to turn into telling remarks, vengeful behavior and whatever other evil thing we can think of all the while pretending to be so righteous. Well, I’m not sure that I explained that as best I could or that that paragraph is completely theologically accurate, but you get the idea.
Now, I know what you other moms are thinking. It’s just not that funny when it’s your terrible two throwing a fit in Walmart over candy. Well, my turn has already come. My baby still has approximately 8 more weeks to cook and he’s already showing that hilarious little sin nature that makes him human. He’s got this one spot that he likes to put his foot in. It’s right on one of my organs right under my rib. He will push on that organ until it’s on fire and feeling like it’s going to burst. He’ll do this for hours. When he gets tired of that, he moves his foot a little farther up and pushes either on my diaphragm or right on my lungs, I’m not sure which. It causes me to have what feels like half capacity in that lung and gives mommy a panic attack when she can’t breathe. It even makes me quite light headed. Now, I completely understand that he is out of room and has no idea what he’s doing. That’s why mommy spends her day (yes, literally most of my day) gently pushing his foot into a new location. How does he respond to this? Well, you’d think that when he puts it immediately back that he’s just innocently not getting it. Maybe partially true. But the real truth comes out around the third time when he gets tired of being moved. That’s when he declares war. We literally have a strength war between my hand and his foot as he pushes back refusing to be moved yet again. He is ridiculously strong for such a little thing and he is very determined to win!
What is really going on? I call it “The War of the Ribs”, but really it’s a war of the wills. We are all born (really, conceived) with a God-given free will. We love to use it. It’s not that he doesn’t have another place to go. It’s not that he’s completely oblivious to my request. Not that I’m saying he’s a criminal mastermind fully capable of plotting the destruction of the world at this stage in life, but he does know a few things. He knows that he is being moved and he knows that he can move. He also knows that he doesn’t like it and sure as heck doesn’t want to. Sure enough, after enough wrestling he will eventually move to a new location. The amount of persuasion I have to give him though does not bode well for dealing with his terrible twos.
Maybe you think I’m crazy or imagining things. Well, due to the extreme lack of space for my little 8 month old son we do this battle throughout the day. It really takes him no time at all to fall asleep for his typical 30 minutes, wake up forgetful of last play time, and pretty quickly get himself back into his favorite position. In fact, “The War of the Ribs” is going on as we speak. Somehow I’m still able to laugh as he yet again gets frustrated and gives me several huge, quick kicks in obvious anger (mind you my galbladder, appendix, or small intestine, whatever is there, is definitely not laughing). Because I love him and because I’m his mother, I can laugh even though his actions are continually bringing me pain. I can laugh at his innocence and relate to his struggle to act out his free will. It’s a lovely reminder to me of this wonderful God I have who maybe cannot completely laugh at the ugliness of sin in His perfection, but still looks fondly down at me when I am kicking my feet at Him, completely understanding the urge to act out that free will He gave me and yet He again so gently redirects me. Hopefully I continually live up to His example with my strong willed little boy.
For whatever reason, I think this is the funniest thing. I have two nieces and an adopted niece, all under 13 months old. I get the biggest kick out of watching their natural sin nature kick in even at their young ages. At 13 months old, my little niece is starting to learn the word “no” (always one of their first words). However, this is not where it starts. Oh no! At 8 months old, babies are fully capable of a full out fit if they don’t get their way. Even at 3 months or earlier they start developing this distinct cry in which you can totally hear, “That’s not fair! I’m not getting my way! I refuse to be happy simply because I’m not getting my way!” I have seen little babies that are just learning to crawl find out the evil thrill of the response you get from biting your little friend. Once they find any mobility (walking, crawling, even rolling over) we all know exactly where the first place they go to is. The forbidden territory is always the highlight. What’s a little toddler boy’s first response to a bug? Stomp! Utter domination and destruction! I can’t help but chuckle when I see this natural reaction from children.
Why in the world do I find it funny? I mean, sin is sin and sin is a very nasty thing. Well, perhaps it’s because they’re sinning with such innocence. They’re not hiding behind pretenses or feeling guilty for their behavior. That is something they also learn how to do pretty fast, but I love how little children originally just let that sinful attitude out without trying to pretty it up. It’s so honest. I love seeing that same ugliness that I like to hide when I sin just coming out. It reminds me of how ugly sin really is. It reminds me about how like a selfish, fit throwing child I really am. That sinning child is inside all of us, but we make it a lot uglier by trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. Trying to blame our sins on others. Babies don’t care who is keeping them from eating fast enough, they just know that they aren’t being satisfied quickly enough for their tastes. Babies don’t hide behind pretenses and throw out cutting remarks to mom about her lack of skill in meeting their needs. Nope, they just let that ugly squeal out that we adults like to turn into telling remarks, vengeful behavior and whatever other evil thing we can think of all the while pretending to be so righteous. Well, I’m not sure that I explained that as best I could or that that paragraph is completely theologically accurate, but you get the idea.
Now, I know what you other moms are thinking. It’s just not that funny when it’s your terrible two throwing a fit in Walmart over candy. Well, my turn has already come. My baby still has approximately 8 more weeks to cook and he’s already showing that hilarious little sin nature that makes him human. He’s got this one spot that he likes to put his foot in. It’s right on one of my organs right under my rib. He will push on that organ until it’s on fire and feeling like it’s going to burst. He’ll do this for hours. When he gets tired of that, he moves his foot a little farther up and pushes either on my diaphragm or right on my lungs, I’m not sure which. It causes me to have what feels like half capacity in that lung and gives mommy a panic attack when she can’t breathe. It even makes me quite light headed. Now, I completely understand that he is out of room and has no idea what he’s doing. That’s why mommy spends her day (yes, literally most of my day) gently pushing his foot into a new location. How does he respond to this? Well, you’d think that when he puts it immediately back that he’s just innocently not getting it. Maybe partially true. But the real truth comes out around the third time when he gets tired of being moved. That’s when he declares war. We literally have a strength war between my hand and his foot as he pushes back refusing to be moved yet again. He is ridiculously strong for such a little thing and he is very determined to win!
What is really going on? I call it “The War of the Ribs”, but really it’s a war of the wills. We are all born (really, conceived) with a God-given free will. We love to use it. It’s not that he doesn’t have another place to go. It’s not that he’s completely oblivious to my request. Not that I’m saying he’s a criminal mastermind fully capable of plotting the destruction of the world at this stage in life, but he does know a few things. He knows that he is being moved and he knows that he can move. He also knows that he doesn’t like it and sure as heck doesn’t want to. Sure enough, after enough wrestling he will eventually move to a new location. The amount of persuasion I have to give him though does not bode well for dealing with his terrible twos.
Maybe you think I’m crazy or imagining things. Well, due to the extreme lack of space for my little 8 month old son we do this battle throughout the day. It really takes him no time at all to fall asleep for his typical 30 minutes, wake up forgetful of last play time, and pretty quickly get himself back into his favorite position. In fact, “The War of the Ribs” is going on as we speak. Somehow I’m still able to laugh as he yet again gets frustrated and gives me several huge, quick kicks in obvious anger (mind you my galbladder, appendix, or small intestine, whatever is there, is definitely not laughing). Because I love him and because I’m his mother, I can laugh even though his actions are continually bringing me pain. I can laugh at his innocence and relate to his struggle to act out his free will. It’s a lovely reminder to me of this wonderful God I have who maybe cannot completely laugh at the ugliness of sin in His perfection, but still looks fondly down at me when I am kicking my feet at Him, completely understanding the urge to act out that free will He gave me and yet He again so gently redirects me. Hopefully I continually live up to His example with my strong willed little boy.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I'm Back!
I have been very remiss about writing over the last few months. Between a crazy summer schedule, current lack of internet at home, and general busyness I haven’t even thought about my blog for a few months now. A lot has changed…and a lot remains the same. So here’s an update of my life over these past summer months. I will warn you, my life is pretty much baby, baby, baby. Not that everything else isn’t upside down, but baby kind of takes all of my attention these days. Oh and yes, it’s long. What’s new.
End of May: Things kind of got better after my last post. I’ve surprisingly only had a few breakdowns so far from pregnancy hormones and that was the big one. Pregnancy wise, things were pretty terrible in May. I have never been so miserable in my entire life! Not much else happened it May. It was mainly a month of surviving pregnancy. I have to admit, I barely made it.
June: Started off with a bang! We found out we were having a boy, little Roen Alexander. I was still sick as a dog, but things were starting to get more fun. My hubby could finally feel the baby moving and somehow knowing the name and sex finally helped me to bond with Roen. I suppose it sounds terrible that after five months I still had not bonded with my little guy, but up to that point I was spending more time with the toilet than with my guy. Thankfully, he finally stopped feeling like a parasite and more like a baby.
Baby finally started taking a back burner this month. First, my closest friend in Colorado found out that her husband of three years had been racking up secret debt since they were married in an amount approaching one million. Ouch. Thankfully, it was all spent on silly little things and not on other women, but still… I’ve since spent most of my summer trying to encourage them and help them try to gather the pieces of their marriage. They are both non-Christians, but it’s been neat watching God work in their lives and pursue them doggedly. I have a feeling things might change in that department soon.
Then we got kicked out of our house. Ok, not literally. We’ve been living with my in-laws for a year and they decided to put the house up for sale. We had to move it or lose it by July. Talk about stressful! Especially considering we had a baby coming, no money and only four weeks of notice. Luckily, we found a sweet deal on a beautiful townhome and the in-laws wonderfully offered to cover most of the moving cost and deposit.
July: I have no idea how we made it through this month. Can I just say that we both went over and over our budget in June. We knew that there was no way we were going to be able to survive financially this month or the months to follow. Somehow each month we not only ended up in the clear, but with extra. Only God knows what happened there.
So we made the dumb decision to be packed to move before vacation, go on vacation, and move the day after we got back. Yikes! Talk about financial and physical ruin. Not to mention that we had to help the in-laws get the house ready to go on the market before we left. This was a crazy month! We somehow made it.
The best news of this month is baby news. The last week in June I finally started feeling better! I panicked a bit in July when my medication cost changed and I was forced to go it alone. However, I have since made it with not one day of sickness! THANK YOU GOD!!!! I finally had energy and felt a lot less out of my mind. Roen was not only moving, but showing personality and developing habits. My hubby and I had fun playing with him this month.
August: We took another little vacation with no money. My grandparents had their 50th anniversary party and we were told that we were expected to be in attendance. Somehow that all worked out too and we had a lovely time.
Which brings us up to the present. I am now 30 weeks pregnant and getting so close! I’m feeling so good and am so thankful that I finally got a reprieve! I still have problems such as I can no longer sit comfortably for any length of time, I can’t lay on my back, I’m up and down all night, and my toilet is still my friend although this time just because I am literally on a 5-15 minute pee schedule (my toilet paper bill is through the roof!), but that is nothing compared to before. I’m beginning to think that even being kept up all night by a newborn will feel like nothing compared to the first 5 ½ months of pregnancy.
Our problems are now in other areas. I have no idea what I am going to do for a job when this baby comes. I have had absolutely no luck finding a nanny job. I just recently started a temporary, super part time nanny job for a 3 month old and it’s making me second guess even staying home with my son. Children are so much work! Especially infants. Plus, I have this huge desire to teach kids or do church music professionally. I’m really missing not being involved with music at church and really missing teaching kids. I was hoping to find a job before I go on maternity leave, but am quickly realizing that probably won’t happen. I’m trying to find my way and trying to be patient and trust God to provide. He has all summer so surely He won’t just drop us come October. Just trying not to panic, since there really is nothing I can do.
Basically, my life is just on hold until this baby comes and I get settled into a new job. I am just battling fears about if I can handle all of the above and if it will work out. I thought I knew what I had coming or at least an idea. Becoming a parent has been the hardest and scariest thing I could ever imagine. Even though I wouldn’t trade it for the world, it’s not because it’s amazing or fun, but rather because it’s meant to be. And after all, who would send their child back, especially once they began meeting their baby? So my life is just in God’s hands for now. I’m just waiting to see where that takes me and learning to be still and trust.
Of course, looking back at these few months I really have nothing to complain about. I am no longer living with my in-laws, we have a beyond beautiful home that I love, we are able to pay our bills and our rent, and, best of all, I am finally feeling better! I have only gained 15 pounds with this pregnancy and am healthy, tiny, and very happy. I have no complaints.
End of May: Things kind of got better after my last post. I’ve surprisingly only had a few breakdowns so far from pregnancy hormones and that was the big one. Pregnancy wise, things were pretty terrible in May. I have never been so miserable in my entire life! Not much else happened it May. It was mainly a month of surviving pregnancy. I have to admit, I barely made it.
June: Started off with a bang! We found out we were having a boy, little Roen Alexander. I was still sick as a dog, but things were starting to get more fun. My hubby could finally feel the baby moving and somehow knowing the name and sex finally helped me to bond with Roen. I suppose it sounds terrible that after five months I still had not bonded with my little guy, but up to that point I was spending more time with the toilet than with my guy. Thankfully, he finally stopped feeling like a parasite and more like a baby.
Baby finally started taking a back burner this month. First, my closest friend in Colorado found out that her husband of three years had been racking up secret debt since they were married in an amount approaching one million. Ouch. Thankfully, it was all spent on silly little things and not on other women, but still… I’ve since spent most of my summer trying to encourage them and help them try to gather the pieces of their marriage. They are both non-Christians, but it’s been neat watching God work in their lives and pursue them doggedly. I have a feeling things might change in that department soon.
Then we got kicked out of our house. Ok, not literally. We’ve been living with my in-laws for a year and they decided to put the house up for sale. We had to move it or lose it by July. Talk about stressful! Especially considering we had a baby coming, no money and only four weeks of notice. Luckily, we found a sweet deal on a beautiful townhome and the in-laws wonderfully offered to cover most of the moving cost and deposit.
July: I have no idea how we made it through this month. Can I just say that we both went over and over our budget in June. We knew that there was no way we were going to be able to survive financially this month or the months to follow. Somehow each month we not only ended up in the clear, but with extra. Only God knows what happened there.
So we made the dumb decision to be packed to move before vacation, go on vacation, and move the day after we got back. Yikes! Talk about financial and physical ruin. Not to mention that we had to help the in-laws get the house ready to go on the market before we left. This was a crazy month! We somehow made it.
The best news of this month is baby news. The last week in June I finally started feeling better! I panicked a bit in July when my medication cost changed and I was forced to go it alone. However, I have since made it with not one day of sickness! THANK YOU GOD!!!! I finally had energy and felt a lot less out of my mind. Roen was not only moving, but showing personality and developing habits. My hubby and I had fun playing with him this month.
August: We took another little vacation with no money. My grandparents had their 50th anniversary party and we were told that we were expected to be in attendance. Somehow that all worked out too and we had a lovely time.
Which brings us up to the present. I am now 30 weeks pregnant and getting so close! I’m feeling so good and am so thankful that I finally got a reprieve! I still have problems such as I can no longer sit comfortably for any length of time, I can’t lay on my back, I’m up and down all night, and my toilet is still my friend although this time just because I am literally on a 5-15 minute pee schedule (my toilet paper bill is through the roof!), but that is nothing compared to before. I’m beginning to think that even being kept up all night by a newborn will feel like nothing compared to the first 5 ½ months of pregnancy.
Our problems are now in other areas. I have no idea what I am going to do for a job when this baby comes. I have had absolutely no luck finding a nanny job. I just recently started a temporary, super part time nanny job for a 3 month old and it’s making me second guess even staying home with my son. Children are so much work! Especially infants. Plus, I have this huge desire to teach kids or do church music professionally. I’m really missing not being involved with music at church and really missing teaching kids. I was hoping to find a job before I go on maternity leave, but am quickly realizing that probably won’t happen. I’m trying to find my way and trying to be patient and trust God to provide. He has all summer so surely He won’t just drop us come October. Just trying not to panic, since there really is nothing I can do.
Basically, my life is just on hold until this baby comes and I get settled into a new job. I am just battling fears about if I can handle all of the above and if it will work out. I thought I knew what I had coming or at least an idea. Becoming a parent has been the hardest and scariest thing I could ever imagine. Even though I wouldn’t trade it for the world, it’s not because it’s amazing or fun, but rather because it’s meant to be. And after all, who would send their child back, especially once they began meeting their baby? So my life is just in God’s hands for now. I’m just waiting to see where that takes me and learning to be still and trust.
Of course, looking back at these few months I really have nothing to complain about. I am no longer living with my in-laws, we have a beyond beautiful home that I love, we are able to pay our bills and our rent, and, best of all, I am finally feeling better! I have only gained 15 pounds with this pregnancy and am healthy, tiny, and very happy. I have no complaints.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
"Happy" Mother's Day
It is my first Mother’s Day today and I have never needed my mother so much. My mother tried hard to be here even before I knew I wanted her to be, but she couldn’t. She’s far away. So instead I am alone. I sit here on the bathroom floor alone. I cry in my first Mother’s Day. It is week 15 of pregnancy and week 9 of the 24/7 stomach flu. Just when it’s supposed to be going away, week 9 turns out to be the worst week yet. I have cried more this week than I have the whole pregnancy. So far, I have been mostly courageous, patient, and stoic. This week even getting out of bed is overwhelming enough to elicit tears of despair. I cannot get enough sleep. I cannot eat. I am now eating only a quarter or less than the usual amount of food in my diet. I have lost 2-3 pounds this week alone. I am worried about my baby, but have no real reason to go to the doctor. No real answers or hope of my situation changing. I am worried about my sanity. And right now when I need help the most, I am alone.
My poor husband is at the end of his rope with my constant stomach emergencies. As seen in my writing, it is all about me. I don’t know how to change that. I live in a constant state of survival. I am trying so hard, but this week especially I cannot meet his needs and need him to meet too many of mine. There is no one else to support me and he is doing it alone. He is beginning to resent that and I understand. But I am alone. My mother has done her best to encourage me from afar and to try to come to me. But she is not here. She cannot shield me from things nor can she hold me while I cry. I am alone. My mother-in-law has made it repeatedly clear this week that she resents the work and money my presence has thrust upon her and cannot get past her own resentment to see my struggle. I cannot be the perfect daughter-in-law, though I have tried so hard. For a year of living with them, I have tried. I cannot keep my space clean when I cannot even eat. She is not there. I tried to share shopping for a crib with her and she blows me off. I tried to share buying a crib with her; desperately needed someone to celebrate buying a crib with me. She doesn’t care. She didn’t even want to see it. I tried to tell her my agony this morning. She looks at me and asks, “are you sick or just pregnancy sick?” Just? Do you have any idea what 9 weeks of the stomach flu are like? No, she doesn’t actually. She was never stomach sick with her kids. I start to crack and tell her politely that I am so tired of being sick. I’m sure she can see the despair in my eyes. She flippantly tells me to get some rest and walks away. No sympathy there. Who is left? I am alone. My God who loves me and cares for me is there. But right now honestly, I want someone in the flesh. I want someone to be a mother for me on this Mother’s Day when it is too much to face alone being one myself.
So here I sit on the bathroom floor at 7:00 in the morning. I am supposed to be at church singing of love, faith, and the goodness of God. Yet, I cannot even steal myself to leave this warm, safe bathroom. I am supposed to be in bed “getting some rest” and cuddling with my husband. Yet, I cannot stop or hide my tears and I dare not wake him up for fear of seeing that resentment in his eyes. If I can’t sleep, I should at least be getting the house ready for Mother’s Day dinner to make up for not going to church today. After all, I’m sure my mother-in-law has already added this morning to her lists of resentments. But there is something so cold and big and alone about downstairs. I cannot face it. So I sit in my tiny warm bathroom, which feels safe and oddly comforting. Maybe it’s the amount of time the toilet and I have spent together lately. I am surrounded by tissues and feeling quite sorry for myself. Yet, I cannot feel guilty. I am mourning. I am mourning my loss of a mother. I am grown. I now have to face my nightmare alone. And that is reason enough to cry.
What would have changed today? Rejoicing. God just blessed me with a gorgeous baby crib for next to nothing. It is a huge mile marker. Celebrations quickly turn sour when there is no one else to celebrate with.
A card. Yes, I know I do not have a baby in my arms, but I am sacrificing enough for a child to be considered a mother. This is my first Mother’s Day. My mother has tried to send a card. Thank you, Mom. Of course, my mother-in-law has not even considered myself or my sister-in-law with her new baby as things to be celebrated on Mother’s Day. My husband in true manly fashion honestly has no idea. He will be wonderful next year, but he has no idea of my need now. And I would rather not receive something from him than to ask yet another thing of him. So I expect nothing.
Some sympathy. Just because I’ve felt sick for 9 weeks, does not mean I am used to it. It does not mean that I do not have especially bad days. It does not mean that I do not need a hug or even a heartfelt “I’m sorry.” Just because I receive this comfort from strangers and acquaintances does not mean that that is enough. I cannot do this myself. I need help and support and love.
So am I writing this to gain yet more sympathy from strangers and friends who read this? No. That is the last thing I need. It is mortifying for me to put such a selfish piece onto a public blog. I'd rather hide in my warm bathroom and pity myself. But we need truth. The mothers who feel forgotten, my mother who I never thanked enough, they need you to know this. The young mothers who are struggling with the hardships of pregnancy, they need support and love. The family members of these moms who don’t understand, they need to understand and they need to love. And the young moms like me who are so ready to give up, you need to know you are not alone. And it is worth it. Do I really believe that this morning? No. Is it normal to not believe that? Yes. What I want to do this morning is to stop fighting, stop eating, just throw up and stay in bed. Just give up, get so sick that either the hospital will take care of me and I can get rest or I lose this baby and I’m done. Sound over dramatic? No, I actually had these thoughts. Yet, even this morning, every part of my being screams that it is worth it. I cannot give up. I must keep fighting for every meal to stay down for my baby. I must keep working to make the money that will support my baby. I must keep fighting for my marriage so that my baby has a good strong home.
After years of never quite understanding why we celebrate Mother’s Day, I now understand. I also understand that it cannot and will not ever be celebrated enough. Mothers will always be under appreciated, always be alone, but it is their refusal to give up that makes Mother’s Day worth celebrating. Maybe this won’t be my last Mother’s Day that I will celebrate alone on the bathroom floor with tears, but even today I will celebrate the gift of motherhood and Mother’s Day that God has given to me.
My poor husband is at the end of his rope with my constant stomach emergencies. As seen in my writing, it is all about me. I don’t know how to change that. I live in a constant state of survival. I am trying so hard, but this week especially I cannot meet his needs and need him to meet too many of mine. There is no one else to support me and he is doing it alone. He is beginning to resent that and I understand. But I am alone. My mother has done her best to encourage me from afar and to try to come to me. But she is not here. She cannot shield me from things nor can she hold me while I cry. I am alone. My mother-in-law has made it repeatedly clear this week that she resents the work and money my presence has thrust upon her and cannot get past her own resentment to see my struggle. I cannot be the perfect daughter-in-law, though I have tried so hard. For a year of living with them, I have tried. I cannot keep my space clean when I cannot even eat. She is not there. I tried to share shopping for a crib with her and she blows me off. I tried to share buying a crib with her; desperately needed someone to celebrate buying a crib with me. She doesn’t care. She didn’t even want to see it. I tried to tell her my agony this morning. She looks at me and asks, “are you sick or just pregnancy sick?” Just? Do you have any idea what 9 weeks of the stomach flu are like? No, she doesn’t actually. She was never stomach sick with her kids. I start to crack and tell her politely that I am so tired of being sick. I’m sure she can see the despair in my eyes. She flippantly tells me to get some rest and walks away. No sympathy there. Who is left? I am alone. My God who loves me and cares for me is there. But right now honestly, I want someone in the flesh. I want someone to be a mother for me on this Mother’s Day when it is too much to face alone being one myself.
So here I sit on the bathroom floor at 7:00 in the morning. I am supposed to be at church singing of love, faith, and the goodness of God. Yet, I cannot even steal myself to leave this warm, safe bathroom. I am supposed to be in bed “getting some rest” and cuddling with my husband. Yet, I cannot stop or hide my tears and I dare not wake him up for fear of seeing that resentment in his eyes. If I can’t sleep, I should at least be getting the house ready for Mother’s Day dinner to make up for not going to church today. After all, I’m sure my mother-in-law has already added this morning to her lists of resentments. But there is something so cold and big and alone about downstairs. I cannot face it. So I sit in my tiny warm bathroom, which feels safe and oddly comforting. Maybe it’s the amount of time the toilet and I have spent together lately. I am surrounded by tissues and feeling quite sorry for myself. Yet, I cannot feel guilty. I am mourning. I am mourning my loss of a mother. I am grown. I now have to face my nightmare alone. And that is reason enough to cry.
What would have changed today? Rejoicing. God just blessed me with a gorgeous baby crib for next to nothing. It is a huge mile marker. Celebrations quickly turn sour when there is no one else to celebrate with.
A card. Yes, I know I do not have a baby in my arms, but I am sacrificing enough for a child to be considered a mother. This is my first Mother’s Day. My mother has tried to send a card. Thank you, Mom. Of course, my mother-in-law has not even considered myself or my sister-in-law with her new baby as things to be celebrated on Mother’s Day. My husband in true manly fashion honestly has no idea. He will be wonderful next year, but he has no idea of my need now. And I would rather not receive something from him than to ask yet another thing of him. So I expect nothing.
Some sympathy. Just because I’ve felt sick for 9 weeks, does not mean I am used to it. It does not mean that I do not have especially bad days. It does not mean that I do not need a hug or even a heartfelt “I’m sorry.” Just because I receive this comfort from strangers and acquaintances does not mean that that is enough. I cannot do this myself. I need help and support and love.
So am I writing this to gain yet more sympathy from strangers and friends who read this? No. That is the last thing I need. It is mortifying for me to put such a selfish piece onto a public blog. I'd rather hide in my warm bathroom and pity myself. But we need truth. The mothers who feel forgotten, my mother who I never thanked enough, they need you to know this. The young mothers who are struggling with the hardships of pregnancy, they need support and love. The family members of these moms who don’t understand, they need to understand and they need to love. And the young moms like me who are so ready to give up, you need to know you are not alone. And it is worth it. Do I really believe that this morning? No. Is it normal to not believe that? Yes. What I want to do this morning is to stop fighting, stop eating, just throw up and stay in bed. Just give up, get so sick that either the hospital will take care of me and I can get rest or I lose this baby and I’m done. Sound over dramatic? No, I actually had these thoughts. Yet, even this morning, every part of my being screams that it is worth it. I cannot give up. I must keep fighting for every meal to stay down for my baby. I must keep working to make the money that will support my baby. I must keep fighting for my marriage so that my baby has a good strong home.
After years of never quite understanding why we celebrate Mother’s Day, I now understand. I also understand that it cannot and will not ever be celebrated enough. Mothers will always be under appreciated, always be alone, but it is their refusal to give up that makes Mother’s Day worth celebrating. Maybe this won’t be my last Mother’s Day that I will celebrate alone on the bathroom floor with tears, but even today I will celebrate the gift of motherhood and Mother’s Day that God has given to me.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Priorities
It is so funny how quickly your life can change around. Just a few months ago my dream was to work as a worship director at a church. I was loving working at my church. I was beyond excited for the challenge of my hopefully upcoming job at another church. Then I got pregnant. Now I don't have time for my work at the church and it has frankly sunk way low on my priority list. I am dreading, dreading, dreading the possibility of getting the job at the other church. How in the world can my lifelong dreams change in a few short months? I knew in theory that it stinks to work when you have children, but now I know it on a whole new level. Right now, there is nothing in my mind besides getting through pregnancy and raising my child. Everything else is just taking from that time. Do I still want that job? Well yes, because I know I would regret not getting it, I'll want it more someday soon, and it really is the best option financially right now. Although one of the biggest reasons is because if I took that job I would be able to stay home with my baby. Pathetic, maybe. As much as I don't want our lives to revolve around our children, I just can't help being singleminded at the moment. Some of that could be because it's hard to look at the world around you when your heads in the toilet, but not all.
Here's the weirdest thing. I'm experiencing this on a level of the inevitable loss of independence from having children. I'm actually saddened that my life has taken this turn and almost yearning for life to go back to normal. Of course, only almost because I wouldn't change my baby for anything in the world. But still, I wonder if my life will ever get back to normal. Will I ever have my own goals and dreams again or will my life just be centered around my family? I can't help but think that neither extreme is healthy. I mean while I am terrified of becoming a Stepford Wife, I still wouldn't miss my baby's life by being a professional mom. At the same time, I don't want to give up my God-given calling just because I'm happier with my kids. Hopefully I'll be able to find a better balance. For now I will go on waiting for things to fall into place and trying not to be stressed out by the future. Yeah, easier said than done. I have visions of being up all night Saturday for the fourth night in a row with the baby and having to get up early to make a service happen. Bleh. Our mother's were truly super heroes. I'm not even thinking quality right now, but merely hoping I can do this.
On a side note, I have noticed that most of my posts lately have been negative and about change. Maybe because I'm a pretty negative person and my life is all about change right now, but still no fun. :) So, here's an update on baby bean. It is almost 3 inches long. It has arms, legs, joints, and can even suck it's thumb. It's moving around all over the place twitching and getting the nerves ready to move muscles and just starting to learn how to command it's muscles to do things. Researchers say that if you could see it or feel it, you would start being able to detect a personality. It really is a little person even though it's only 3 inches long. Amazing. In the next four to five weeks, I'll hopefully be able to feel it. On the outside, it has given me a wonderful (sarcastic) early baby bump. Which is really awkward when people notice my bump, ask how far along I am, and then get this puzzled look when I say only 11 weeks. Oh well, the bump was inevitable and enables me to wear super comfy maternity pants. It's actually starting to be a good and exciting experience. Thank goodness!
Here's the weirdest thing. I'm experiencing this on a level of the inevitable loss of independence from having children. I'm actually saddened that my life has taken this turn and almost yearning for life to go back to normal. Of course, only almost because I wouldn't change my baby for anything in the world. But still, I wonder if my life will ever get back to normal. Will I ever have my own goals and dreams again or will my life just be centered around my family? I can't help but think that neither extreme is healthy. I mean while I am terrified of becoming a Stepford Wife, I still wouldn't miss my baby's life by being a professional mom. At the same time, I don't want to give up my God-given calling just because I'm happier with my kids. Hopefully I'll be able to find a better balance. For now I will go on waiting for things to fall into place and trying not to be stressed out by the future. Yeah, easier said than done. I have visions of being up all night Saturday for the fourth night in a row with the baby and having to get up early to make a service happen. Bleh. Our mother's were truly super heroes. I'm not even thinking quality right now, but merely hoping I can do this.
On a side note, I have noticed that most of my posts lately have been negative and about change. Maybe because I'm a pretty negative person and my life is all about change right now, but still no fun. :) So, here's an update on baby bean. It is almost 3 inches long. It has arms, legs, joints, and can even suck it's thumb. It's moving around all over the place twitching and getting the nerves ready to move muscles and just starting to learn how to command it's muscles to do things. Researchers say that if you could see it or feel it, you would start being able to detect a personality. It really is a little person even though it's only 3 inches long. Amazing. In the next four to five weeks, I'll hopefully be able to feel it. On the outside, it has given me a wonderful (sarcastic) early baby bump. Which is really awkward when people notice my bump, ask how far along I am, and then get this puzzled look when I say only 11 weeks. Oh well, the bump was inevitable and enables me to wear super comfy maternity pants. It's actually starting to be a good and exciting experience. Thank goodness!
Friday, March 26, 2010
A Miracle of God's Love
She had been married for five years, when my good friend looked at me and asked with innocent honesty, "I hear all of these songs on the radio about loving someone so much you can't imagine life without them, wanting to always be with them, loving them no matter what. Are those songs true or is it just a fairytale? Does that love really exist between other couples? I have never experienced anything like that." Those words broke my heart. What could I say? I couldn't lie to her. When I nodded my head yes and told her brokenly that my husband and I could completey relate to every one of those thoughts I watched her crumple.
They had married straight out of a Christian college. He was a smart, charismatic man who was terrified of the very thought of people seeing the real him. He knew that he had never finished much of anything in life and that he was not always a good person. Instead of facing these facts honestly, he blamed everything on somebody else and took out the resulting guilt on those he loved the most. He never accepted responsibility for anything, but rather tore his wife down to make himself feel better. His verbal abuse took five years to ring a bell of warning in his wife. She had grown up with a verbally abusive father and for her it was just the norm. What's worse, growing up with such abuse, she believed every word of it. They both had big problems, which meant their marriage had bigger problems. The difference was that she was desperately looking for ways to change and to fix it. He was not.
A few weeks later we were at a coffee shop when she looked at me, willing me to understand, and told me she was seriously considering leaving her husband. We both cried. How as a Christian can you think of or promote such an action? Yet, after much prayer and thought, we both knew what she had to do. From the beginning she held out hope that her husband would soon see the error of his ways and be willing to consider changing. She wasn't asking for much. She had no hopes of love, a white picket fence, or even the ability to involve children in their unhealhty marriage, just for safety and honesty. It was very difficult to keep my skeptism to myself. After working with people like her husband for most of my life, I knew that there was no way he was going to change. The chances were a million to one. When someone makes it their lifestyle to avoid truth at all costs, they typically won't change their habits even for their spouses or children. On top of that, I was pretty sure that neither one of them had ever really loved the other. It was a typical case of falling in love with love and the stability of marriage.
My friend and I prayed. We fasted. We read books. They went to counselors. We tried everything. The day came when there was nothing left to try and my friend felt God pushing her to separate. A month later she finally realized what I had been trying to warn her of all along. Her husband was not interested in change. If there was going to be a change, it would not take months to accomplish, but rather years. We both refused to admit defeat, although I think we both were almost out of hope deep down. I kept encouraging her to pray with expectation for God to answer. Funny that you can pray for a miracle and still be surprised when it happens.
Three months ago he moved back in and yet I held on to my skeptism, waiting for everything to blow up again. Today, almost exactly a year from the date where my friend asked me about love, we found ourselves once again at Starbucks. As she casually talked about how they were doing, she unmindfully said something that brought tears to my eyes. She simply said, "I know he loves me..." That was the first time I have ever heard her say that with confidence and truth. Almost a year after my friend realized she would probably lose her farce of a marriage, I listen to her and see that both of my friends have fallen for each other. Wow. When did that happen, God?
Today, they are back together. Her husband is making it a regular habit to admit his mistakes. He is making extreme efforts to fix his marriage and to show love for his wife. She has learned how to be honest and to stand up to her husband with the truth. She is now so used to the happiness and peace at her house that she is shocked when her simple updates move me to tears. They still have their problems. But then, what marriage does not? It is not problems that ruin a marriage, but refusal to face them.
That day she told me about her impending separation, we had both decided to do an experiment. We had nothing left to lose, nothing much left to try, and we felt that God was asking us to simply believe. We would both pray, we would both believe that God would answer our prayers for restoration, and if He chose not to, we would both still believe He was good. I think I prayed more for this than for anything else in my life. How is it then that I am shocked to see it occur? God is truly good. Does that mean life is a bed of roses? Heck no. But it means that we are in good hands. It means that He can heal even the most hopeless situation. It means that not everything turns out like we'd like, but every now and then He pulls out all of the stops and hands us a beautiful gift. Thank you, Father.
They had married straight out of a Christian college. He was a smart, charismatic man who was terrified of the very thought of people seeing the real him. He knew that he had never finished much of anything in life and that he was not always a good person. Instead of facing these facts honestly, he blamed everything on somebody else and took out the resulting guilt on those he loved the most. He never accepted responsibility for anything, but rather tore his wife down to make himself feel better. His verbal abuse took five years to ring a bell of warning in his wife. She had grown up with a verbally abusive father and for her it was just the norm. What's worse, growing up with such abuse, she believed every word of it. They both had big problems, which meant their marriage had bigger problems. The difference was that she was desperately looking for ways to change and to fix it. He was not.
A few weeks later we were at a coffee shop when she looked at me, willing me to understand, and told me she was seriously considering leaving her husband. We both cried. How as a Christian can you think of or promote such an action? Yet, after much prayer and thought, we both knew what she had to do. From the beginning she held out hope that her husband would soon see the error of his ways and be willing to consider changing. She wasn't asking for much. She had no hopes of love, a white picket fence, or even the ability to involve children in their unhealhty marriage, just for safety and honesty. It was very difficult to keep my skeptism to myself. After working with people like her husband for most of my life, I knew that there was no way he was going to change. The chances were a million to one. When someone makes it their lifestyle to avoid truth at all costs, they typically won't change their habits even for their spouses or children. On top of that, I was pretty sure that neither one of them had ever really loved the other. It was a typical case of falling in love with love and the stability of marriage.
My friend and I prayed. We fasted. We read books. They went to counselors. We tried everything. The day came when there was nothing left to try and my friend felt God pushing her to separate. A month later she finally realized what I had been trying to warn her of all along. Her husband was not interested in change. If there was going to be a change, it would not take months to accomplish, but rather years. We both refused to admit defeat, although I think we both were almost out of hope deep down. I kept encouraging her to pray with expectation for God to answer. Funny that you can pray for a miracle and still be surprised when it happens.
Three months ago he moved back in and yet I held on to my skeptism, waiting for everything to blow up again. Today, almost exactly a year from the date where my friend asked me about love, we found ourselves once again at Starbucks. As she casually talked about how they were doing, she unmindfully said something that brought tears to my eyes. She simply said, "I know he loves me..." That was the first time I have ever heard her say that with confidence and truth. Almost a year after my friend realized she would probably lose her farce of a marriage, I listen to her and see that both of my friends have fallen for each other. Wow. When did that happen, God?
Today, they are back together. Her husband is making it a regular habit to admit his mistakes. He is making extreme efforts to fix his marriage and to show love for his wife. She has learned how to be honest and to stand up to her husband with the truth. She is now so used to the happiness and peace at her house that she is shocked when her simple updates move me to tears. They still have their problems. But then, what marriage does not? It is not problems that ruin a marriage, but refusal to face them.
That day she told me about her impending separation, we had both decided to do an experiment. We had nothing left to lose, nothing much left to try, and we felt that God was asking us to simply believe. We would both pray, we would both believe that God would answer our prayers for restoration, and if He chose not to, we would both still believe He was good. I think I prayed more for this than for anything else in my life. How is it then that I am shocked to see it occur? God is truly good. Does that mean life is a bed of roses? Heck no. But it means that we are in good hands. It means that He can heal even the most hopeless situation. It means that not everything turns out like we'd like, but every now and then He pulls out all of the stops and hands us a beautiful gift. Thank you, Father.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
People that ever want to be a mom, read at your own risk.
Does it make me a terrible mom that I already hate being pregnant? That I cannot seem to get too excited as of late? That I almost resent this parasite, who I still love dearly, but nevertheless is a parasite that is sucking the life out of me and turning my own body against me? I apparently have been really negative about this whole process lately as people keep trying to cheer me up, telling me how lucky I am and how excited I should be. All I can say is, let me see them be excited when their heads are in the toilet. It's amazing that a tiny ultrasound blob that is only one centimeter long can screw up/bless my life so royally.
I keep trying to come up with reasons to justify why I am not enjoying pregnancy and already dreading the next one (borrowing trouble just a little bit there). I really hate change and this reeks of my typical negative attitude and freaking out that accompanies life changes. Or it could be that my entire body is changing and everything hurts constantly and everyday is a struggle to get through. I mean, when the basics (sleeping, going to the bathroom, eating) are a nightmarish struggle, that is some cause for anxiety. It could be that I'm freaking out about being a parent, although I don't think that's it. I feel pretty prepared and am frankly counting down the days till this baby can come out and at least I can get my stomach back. Maybe it's because I, unlike some girls, have seen a lot of pregnancies and know what to expect. There are no rose-colored glasses guarding me from seeing into the next seven months of happy hell. So what is the deal? Why can't I get excited about this? Maybe I'm just a terrible person.
My theory is that I'm completely normal. You see, the happy things in pregnancy eventually block out the bad. I've seen this with moms who just went through an atrocious delivery process only to forget everything the minute that baby is in their arms. I think women just get to the second trimester of their pregnancy, their body feels better, they can feel their baby kicking, and they just forget how horrible the last four months have been. It's like God-made memory drugs.
So what's the moral of this story? If you'd ever like to have kids, don't talk to someone about their experience until they're well past their first trimester. Better yet, wait till their kids are toddlers and they are reminiscing about the old days of having babies.
In the end, even though I felt really prepared for pregnancy, I really had no idea. I knew at least to some extent how much a baby changes your life once it comes out. I've seen how much that baby takes over your body once you start looking like a whale. However, I was not prepared for how much this baby would change my life starting a mere 10 days after it's conception. I had no idea I'd start running the marathon this early.
Wow, that's a lot of negativity. Don't get me wrong, I am really glad that I'm pregnant and excited for this baby, but right now my brain is kind of caught up in daily survival. When I can make it through a day again semi-normally and I can see/feel this baby more, I think I will be able to get much more excited. The one thing I do know is that my mother was a epic hero, a strong soldier, a superhero. Hope I can measure up...
Or at least make it to the second trimester.
I keep trying to come up with reasons to justify why I am not enjoying pregnancy and already dreading the next one (borrowing trouble just a little bit there). I really hate change and this reeks of my typical negative attitude and freaking out that accompanies life changes. Or it could be that my entire body is changing and everything hurts constantly and everyday is a struggle to get through. I mean, when the basics (sleeping, going to the bathroom, eating) are a nightmarish struggle, that is some cause for anxiety. It could be that I'm freaking out about being a parent, although I don't think that's it. I feel pretty prepared and am frankly counting down the days till this baby can come out and at least I can get my stomach back. Maybe it's because I, unlike some girls, have seen a lot of pregnancies and know what to expect. There are no rose-colored glasses guarding me from seeing into the next seven months of happy hell. So what is the deal? Why can't I get excited about this? Maybe I'm just a terrible person.
My theory is that I'm completely normal. You see, the happy things in pregnancy eventually block out the bad. I've seen this with moms who just went through an atrocious delivery process only to forget everything the minute that baby is in their arms. I think women just get to the second trimester of their pregnancy, their body feels better, they can feel their baby kicking, and they just forget how horrible the last four months have been. It's like God-made memory drugs.
So what's the moral of this story? If you'd ever like to have kids, don't talk to someone about their experience until they're well past their first trimester. Better yet, wait till their kids are toddlers and they are reminiscing about the old days of having babies.
In the end, even though I felt really prepared for pregnancy, I really had no idea. I knew at least to some extent how much a baby changes your life once it comes out. I've seen how much that baby takes over your body once you start looking like a whale. However, I was not prepared for how much this baby would change my life starting a mere 10 days after it's conception. I had no idea I'd start running the marathon this early.
Wow, that's a lot of negativity. Don't get me wrong, I am really glad that I'm pregnant and excited for this baby, but right now my brain is kind of caught up in daily survival. When I can make it through a day again semi-normally and I can see/feel this baby more, I think I will be able to get much more excited. The one thing I do know is that my mother was a epic hero, a strong soldier, a superhero. Hope I can measure up...
Or at least make it to the second trimester.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Changes, Changes, and (yep) More Changes!
So let's just recap the changes I've had so far this year. It's about two months in and I have taken over conducting my kids choir and am in charge of their entire program this spring. My husband and I are looking at working in a professional capacity at a church. There's a big change right there we weren't expecting anytime soon! I got a new job and am getting used to not being a bum anymore. I've had to change my schedule completely due to said job. I'm looking at moving in the next few months and even buying a house. Now, you say, what else could possibly change? At least that was what I was saying. Well, I'm pregnant. That's not exactly a tiny change. Funny how you can be trying and still be completely taken by surprise when it actually happens. I guess they do say that it happens when you least expect it.
What's taken me by surprise the most is not the uncertain future of pregnancy or the fact that I'm pregnant, but the effect it's having on me here and now a measily five weeks in. I'm barely pregnant and my life has already changed drastically because of it. My stamina is cut about in half, I need to eat twice as much, I need to drink about twice as much, I need to cut my caffeine in half, I spend most of my life going to the bathroom yet again and, for the first time in my life, I can finally faint like Scarlett O'Hara. After only five weeks! My schedule is completely shot. Every Sunday morning I get up at the crack of dawn to get to the church around dawn and don't end up eating breakfast since food does not sound good that early in the morning. Then I conduct/sing through one rehearsal and two services, sometimes getting a snack but sometimes not, and I'm perfectly fine. Not anymore. Let's just say I was physically done half way through the rehearsal and almost fainted during the service. That would have been a funny scene. The conductor falling in a heap on the floor in the middle of "You're My All in All." I just cannot do what I used to do and it is monumentally frustrating!
Some things still coming up that there's no way I will physically be able to do:
Second service
Two kids choir rehearsals tonight
Conducting again next Sunday
The second half of all future rehearsals
Teaching and conducting all Palm Sunday music
Preparing for Palm Sunday music
Oh, and I saved the best for last! Conducting the entire Easter service three times back to back without a break. And I might even have actual morning sickness by that point and be throwing up. Maybe I should just keep a trash can next to my music stand?! Or run off periodically and tell they congregation we're in intermission?
Oh Lord, help!
What's taken me by surprise the most is not the uncertain future of pregnancy or the fact that I'm pregnant, but the effect it's having on me here and now a measily five weeks in. I'm barely pregnant and my life has already changed drastically because of it. My stamina is cut about in half, I need to eat twice as much, I need to drink about twice as much, I need to cut my caffeine in half, I spend most of my life going to the bathroom yet again and, for the first time in my life, I can finally faint like Scarlett O'Hara. After only five weeks! My schedule is completely shot. Every Sunday morning I get up at the crack of dawn to get to the church around dawn and don't end up eating breakfast since food does not sound good that early in the morning. Then I conduct/sing through one rehearsal and two services, sometimes getting a snack but sometimes not, and I'm perfectly fine. Not anymore. Let's just say I was physically done half way through the rehearsal and almost fainted during the service. That would have been a funny scene. The conductor falling in a heap on the floor in the middle of "You're My All in All." I just cannot do what I used to do and it is monumentally frustrating!
Some things still coming up that there's no way I will physically be able to do:
Second service
Two kids choir rehearsals tonight
Conducting again next Sunday
The second half of all future rehearsals
Teaching and conducting all Palm Sunday music
Preparing for Palm Sunday music
Oh, and I saved the best for last! Conducting the entire Easter service three times back to back without a break. And I might even have actual morning sickness by that point and be throwing up. Maybe I should just keep a trash can next to my music stand?! Or run off periodically and tell they congregation we're in intermission?
Oh Lord, help!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Church Meeting Update
Well, I am now a busy, busy lady which is the making for not only fewer blogs, but possibly shorter. Yes, I hear the celebration over the death of my long-windedness. Today I just have a short update. We had our meeting with the transition team (temporary elder board) on Thursday night, which for those of you who have the gall not to read all of my blogs is the church that is condering hiring us as youth pastor and music director. It is still in the get-to-know-you phase and they will probably not talk serious business for several more weeks. However, the meeting went very well and we seemed to impress the transition team. We don't seem to be what they're looking for, but rather what they never dreamed they could have. Apparently, they've had a lot of youth pastors with uninvolved wives who won't move into the area and only stay a year. We got a roar of approval for every one of those things that we said we would do. So we will see. And I am off to get stuff done in my now limited free time. I know everyone else is grieving as much as I am over how short this blog is. It's shameful.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The end of my world as I know it...
I am the whiniest, most ungrateful person in the whole world! I got the job. I actually spent all day Friday crying over it (yes, crying), because I was so not ready to give up my jobless status. Sigh. Eventually resignation set in and I set off to my first day on Monday generally cheerful. It actually went pretty well. I work with two wonderful people, I work in a Christian atmosphere where I actually feel like I can be myself, I like the work ok, and I have a sweet office complete with a door and pretty cherry furniture. As long as I don't think about the 25 hours I'm putting in at the church, 10 hours of driving time (2 hrs/day x 5 days), the 30 hours I'm putting in at work now, the loads of housework, and the new inability to hang out with friends because I now have no free time, I can not freak out and almost enjoy working again. I am trying not to think about how much more time I will spend on church stuff if I get the worship director job and how in the world I'm going to add that in to everything. Or about the fact that I am now making a whopping $40 more a week than I was doing nothing on unemployment.
See, I'm the whiniest girl in the world. So all in all, it's a bittersweet job announcement. If you only think about the job than I have a great new job where I'm learning a lot and have the ability to make all sorts of good connections for our future. It may even help us move closer. But if you look at my life as a whole, I'm just trusting that God knows what He's doing and trying to take one day at a time. "Overwhelmed!" is the word that has been running through my head all weekend. We meet with the church board on Thursday and I will have more information than. I have to admit, if I don't get the church job, than this new job I have is a hinderance not a help and I will basically be very screwed money and insurance wise. I'm just going to trust that God knows what He's doing.
See, I'm the whiniest girl in the world. So all in all, it's a bittersweet job announcement. If you only think about the job than I have a great new job where I'm learning a lot and have the ability to make all sorts of good connections for our future. It may even help us move closer. But if you look at my life as a whole, I'm just trusting that God knows what He's doing and trying to take one day at a time. "Overwhelmed!" is the word that has been running through my head all weekend. We meet with the church board on Thursday and I will have more information than. I have to admit, if I don't get the church job, than this new job I have is a hinderance not a help and I will basically be very screwed money and insurance wise. I'm just going to trust that God knows what He's doing.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
God, you have GOT to be kidding me!
Duty. That's an ugly word today. The situation started out pretty exciting. The pastor of the church we're looking into working at found some secondary work for us at their church association offices. Confusing, I know. From the sound of it, it seemed like the perfect job for my husband. His job has slowly been going to you-know-where in a handbasket. I had actually spent the last several days praying for a new situation for him, since the church probably won't be able to support him fully. I was so excited! What an answer to prayer! He was pretty darn excited, too.
Then we got the job description. Sigh. So very much not up his alley. Even worse, it was up mine. At least, work experience wise. I have just gotten out of two-and-a-half years of office hell. I've never liked working in an office environment and was especially miserable in that terrible job. That was a big part of this church opportunity being an answer to my prayers. My own schedule and no stupid secretarial/admin assistant job!
I desperately, terribly, whole-heartedly do not want this job. But it would be stupid not to take it. I'd be good at it. It is only 30 hours a week which is better than 40 and the pay is at the top of what I was looking for. It would help us financially and maybe help us buy a house. This time it would even be in a "Christian" workplace! What an amazing opportunity right? Yeah, I desperately, terribly, whole-heartedly do not want this job.
I do not believe that God is cruel or the type that would get your hopes up for nothing. So why in the world am I back in this situation that I just thought I'd escaped? Why is it that I don't feel a particular leading in this? If I felt a big no, I would have such relief. If I felt like this was meant to be, I would resign myself and have peace. Instead, my interview tomorrow has a strong resemblence to one of those super intrusive dentist appointments.
So, as a woman who's God has never led me wrong before, I am going to go to that interview tomorrow. I am going to pray a lot. I am going to trust God to handle this situation. I am going to trust that if I get this job, it will not be the end of the world like my emotions are telling me. And I am going to try my darnedest not to whine the whole way. Yeah, not being real successful with the whining so far. Will keep you updated on the rest.
Then we got the job description. Sigh. So very much not up his alley. Even worse, it was up mine. At least, work experience wise. I have just gotten out of two-and-a-half years of office hell. I've never liked working in an office environment and was especially miserable in that terrible job. That was a big part of this church opportunity being an answer to my prayers. My own schedule and no stupid secretarial/admin assistant job!
I desperately, terribly, whole-heartedly do not want this job. But it would be stupid not to take it. I'd be good at it. It is only 30 hours a week which is better than 40 and the pay is at the top of what I was looking for. It would help us financially and maybe help us buy a house. This time it would even be in a "Christian" workplace! What an amazing opportunity right? Yeah, I desperately, terribly, whole-heartedly do not want this job.
I do not believe that God is cruel or the type that would get your hopes up for nothing. So why in the world am I back in this situation that I just thought I'd escaped? Why is it that I don't feel a particular leading in this? If I felt a big no, I would have such relief. If I felt like this was meant to be, I would resign myself and have peace. Instead, my interview tomorrow has a strong resemblence to one of those super intrusive dentist appointments.
So, as a woman who's God has never led me wrong before, I am going to go to that interview tomorrow. I am going to pray a lot. I am going to trust God to handle this situation. I am going to trust that if I get this job, it will not be the end of the world like my emotions are telling me. And I am going to try my darnedest not to whine the whole way. Yeah, not being real successful with the whining so far. Will keep you updated on the rest.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A Flawed Hero
"Ms. Grace, I love you and I'm so glad that you are my teacher!" The cutest words from the cutest little girl. A little girl who was distant in the beginning and sometimes difficult to work with. Imagine my heart when I heard those words come out of her mouth.
It was short lived. She followed that cute little innocuous phrase with, "Ms. Grace I want to be just like you! I love your hair! I tried to part my hair just like yours, but it didn't work. I wish my hair was just like yours. Ms. Grace..." And so it has continued for the past few weeks. Rather than spend her break time with the other children in the gym, she'd rather hang out with me, waxing poetic about my "perfections".
Now, I am a little used to this phenomenom of hero worship since my only sister is nine years younger. It was always terrifying knowing that anything I said or did would have a magnified impact on her impressionable mind. However, possibily messing up your little sister is nothing compared to having that sort of sway with a stranger's daughter. My sister sees my mistakes on a daily basis and I know that she will forgive me and learn someday that I am not perfect. This young girl will have very little contact with me, so I must be sure to live above reproach in her eyes. She is of that tender age where she is just starting to reach beyond her parents for role models. What's worse, she is especially taken with my appearance and style, the last things a second grader need worry about.
What message do I send if I wear that almost-too-low-cut shirt to church? What does she think of her hero when I lose my temper with the choir or brush her off when I'm busy? Does she ever see me at church with a bad attitude during worship or talking during the service? If I were to continue talking with her about style and encourage her to try to be pretty, will that continue to be the misguided focus of her young years?
"Oh but honey, you're hair is so beautiful! Much prettier than mine. You should part it so it looks good on you, not me. I don't think you need to change anything. You are much prettier than me just as you are." Hopefully those words averted this crisis, but I will have to be wise in my dealings from now on. I have sixty-five little eyes on me that see more than I had expected. I pray that I can be half the hero they expect.
On a lighter note, at least I have one child in my choir that thinks everything I say is divine. Something possessed me to explain to her and her little sister why little sis shouldn't be spinning around the gym when she had an ear infection and why that made her abnormally sick. I am no expert on the inner ear and I was dillusional to expect a second grader and kindergartener to understand the complicated workings of the body. Yet, she made her sister stand still during my five minute lecture and afterwards told me in her most serious voice, "Thank you Ms. Grace for telling us that. You are right. That makes sense. I will make sure my sister doesn't spin anymore." and walked away on her best behavior. If only the other sixty-four kids believed I was always right and to be revered! :)
It was short lived. She followed that cute little innocuous phrase with, "Ms. Grace I want to be just like you! I love your hair! I tried to part my hair just like yours, but it didn't work. I wish my hair was just like yours. Ms. Grace..." And so it has continued for the past few weeks. Rather than spend her break time with the other children in the gym, she'd rather hang out with me, waxing poetic about my "perfections".
Now, I am a little used to this phenomenom of hero worship since my only sister is nine years younger. It was always terrifying knowing that anything I said or did would have a magnified impact on her impressionable mind. However, possibily messing up your little sister is nothing compared to having that sort of sway with a stranger's daughter. My sister sees my mistakes on a daily basis and I know that she will forgive me and learn someday that I am not perfect. This young girl will have very little contact with me, so I must be sure to live above reproach in her eyes. She is of that tender age where she is just starting to reach beyond her parents for role models. What's worse, she is especially taken with my appearance and style, the last things a second grader need worry about.
What message do I send if I wear that almost-too-low-cut shirt to church? What does she think of her hero when I lose my temper with the choir or brush her off when I'm busy? Does she ever see me at church with a bad attitude during worship or talking during the service? If I were to continue talking with her about style and encourage her to try to be pretty, will that continue to be the misguided focus of her young years?
"Oh but honey, you're hair is so beautiful! Much prettier than mine. You should part it so it looks good on you, not me. I don't think you need to change anything. You are much prettier than me just as you are." Hopefully those words averted this crisis, but I will have to be wise in my dealings from now on. I have sixty-five little eyes on me that see more than I had expected. I pray that I can be half the hero they expect.
On a lighter note, at least I have one child in my choir that thinks everything I say is divine. Something possessed me to explain to her and her little sister why little sis shouldn't be spinning around the gym when she had an ear infection and why that made her abnormally sick. I am no expert on the inner ear and I was dillusional to expect a second grader and kindergartener to understand the complicated workings of the body. Yet, she made her sister stand still during my five minute lecture and afterwards told me in her most serious voice, "Thank you Ms. Grace for telling us that. You are right. That makes sense. I will make sure my sister doesn't spin anymore." and walked away on her best behavior. If only the other sixty-four kids believed I was always right and to be revered! :)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The White Picket Fence
I was never the girl who dreamed of the white picket fence. I was not the girl who wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Nor was I that girl who dwelled in the world of food, decor, and artsy things to do about the house.
After six years of daycare in my house (my mother's career), I decided that kids were hideous and they were not to occur until I was in my thirties at the very earliest. During my Nellie McKay period in college, I was well known as a man-hater (mind you, not a women-lover, just man-hater)and decided the single life was for me. Did I want to get married someday and have a family? Yeah sometimes. But I had much bigger dreams than that. I was never defined as the homemaker wannabe.
How is it that in just three short years things have done such a 180? I'm married. I'm dreaming of the little pitter patter of feet. I'm looking into a house complete with white picket fence. And worst, now all of a sudden I want a dog. I hate dogs! What is wrong with me?!
Even though I know God has changed my life for the better, I still often feel like a sellout. I mean, I had big and very "holy" plans. I was going to be a missionary in some exotic country embracing a sacrificial life of singleness! It sounds especially immature and crazy when said like that, but I was very sure that this was God's plan for my life and I was dedicated to see it come to fruition. I think sometimes God lets us come up with these hair-brained schemes of ours (and even applauds them for a time) in order to get us one step closer to what He really wants and to let us fail in order to see the truth. At least, that's how it happened in my life.
I used to have little respect for the people who just settled down to the wifey business, not fulfilling their true potential or following their dreams. Yet, here I stand married like those poor saps and incredibly happy just like they are. I think God has a sense of humor when it comes to His plans.
Then again, the ultimate dog hater herself who believes in the systematic extermination of all little yappy dogs has been pining away for an Australian Shepherd puppy for several weeks now. Maybe I did go a little crazy in the head.
After six years of daycare in my house (my mother's career), I decided that kids were hideous and they were not to occur until I was in my thirties at the very earliest. During my Nellie McKay period in college, I was well known as a man-hater (mind you, not a women-lover, just man-hater)and decided the single life was for me. Did I want to get married someday and have a family? Yeah sometimes. But I had much bigger dreams than that. I was never defined as the homemaker wannabe.
How is it that in just three short years things have done such a 180? I'm married. I'm dreaming of the little pitter patter of feet. I'm looking into a house complete with white picket fence. And worst, now all of a sudden I want a dog. I hate dogs! What is wrong with me?!
Even though I know God has changed my life for the better, I still often feel like a sellout. I mean, I had big and very "holy" plans. I was going to be a missionary in some exotic country embracing a sacrificial life of singleness! It sounds especially immature and crazy when said like that, but I was very sure that this was God's plan for my life and I was dedicated to see it come to fruition. I think sometimes God lets us come up with these hair-brained schemes of ours (and even applauds them for a time) in order to get us one step closer to what He really wants and to let us fail in order to see the truth. At least, that's how it happened in my life.
I used to have little respect for the people who just settled down to the wifey business, not fulfilling their true potential or following their dreams. Yet, here I stand married like those poor saps and incredibly happy just like they are. I think God has a sense of humor when it comes to His plans.
Then again, the ultimate dog hater herself who believes in the systematic extermination of all little yappy dogs has been pining away for an Australian Shepherd puppy for several weeks now. Maybe I did go a little crazy in the head.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The 47th State
For the record, let me just make this really clear.
New Mexico is a state, NOT a country!
Here is how a typical introductory conversation with me goes.
Idiot: "Are you originally from Colorado?"
Me: "No, I moved here when I was ten. I'm originally from New Mexico."
Idiot: (look of surprise and admiration) "Wow! What was it like moving to America?"
or
Idiot: (with look of confusion) "So do you have duel citizenship?"
or
Idiot: (more confusion) "Oh, so you speak Spanish?"
or worst
Idiot: (look of perfect understanding) "Your parents must have been missionaries down there."
Sigh. For those of you who failed to learn anything about your country, much less ever look at a map, New Mexico is a state in the United States of America, which is the country that you live in. By the way, the USA (United States of America (remember, that country you live in)) is located on the planet earth, which is also where you live.
I can almost understand people out east asking me this question, however I have gotten this response from an alarming number of Coloradans. I mean, it's only their southern border state. How is it possible that so many people can be soooo ignorant?! For those of you stupid Coloradans on your way to vacation in a Mexican paradise, all you have to do is cross the southern state line. Really. Just make sure you go through the border patrols before you hit Pueblo.
New Mexico is a state, NOT a country!
Here is how a typical introductory conversation with me goes.
Idiot: "Are you originally from Colorado?"
Me: "No, I moved here when I was ten. I'm originally from New Mexico."
Idiot: (look of surprise and admiration) "Wow! What was it like moving to America?"
or
Idiot: (with look of confusion) "So do you have duel citizenship?"
or
Idiot: (more confusion) "Oh, so you speak Spanish?"
or worst
Idiot: (look of perfect understanding) "Your parents must have been missionaries down there."
Sigh. For those of you who failed to learn anything about your country, much less ever look at a map, New Mexico is a state in the United States of America, which is the country that you live in. By the way, the USA (United States of America (remember, that country you live in)) is located on the planet earth, which is also where you live.
I can almost understand people out east asking me this question, however I have gotten this response from an alarming number of Coloradans. I mean, it's only their southern border state. How is it possible that so many people can be soooo ignorant?! For those of you stupid Coloradans on your way to vacation in a Mexican paradise, all you have to do is cross the southern state line. Really. Just make sure you go through the border patrols before you hit Pueblo.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Family in the Ministry?
Yes, I know. Two blogs in one day. Tsk, tsk. My defense is that I have missed several blogging days that I need to make up. The truth is that my previous blog got me thinking on a whole separate topic.
So what about family in the ministry? We've all seen those preacher's kids who seem to go crazy on reaching adolesence and adulthood. We've seen those missionary's kids who turn away from their faith forever. We've seen the bitterness they have for their parents. We've seen the men who cheat on their wives with some cute girl in the youth group. We've seen marriages of the great and "godly" desolve. Can kids be brought up successfully by parents in the ministry? Can marriages survive the ministry?
These questions have haunted me since I met that husband of mine who was determined to go into the ministry. I was brought up in the ministry, so to speak. From the time I was six until I was twelve, my parents worked as houseparents at a Christian children's home. We had between six and twelve troubled teenagers living in our house pretty much 24/7. The plus was that I had lots of older brothers and sisters, some of which I adored. I also learned how to relate to people from the lowliest walks of life (they were my siblings after all) and learned from their many mistakes. However, part of the reason that I was so bonded with them is because I felt like one of them. They didn't have parents around. I didn't have my parents around either. For six years, I gave up my parents for those kids. My parents weren't just absent physically, but emotionally and mentally. I felt very abandoned. For years after we left, I hated my parents for making me feel like one of those teens. You see, it doesn't matter if parents in ministry are abandoning their kids for a good cause. It's still abandonment.
As we are now looking not only at going into the ministry very soon, but also starting to have children, this topic is really on my mind. As I told my husband when we were dating, I CANNOT DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN! I cannot say it emphatically enough. The sad thing is that to some extent, I probably will. In fact, I already have trouble putting the ministry before my husband. I get caught up in my work and forget to look into his needs. I see a need before me and feel the desire to take the time to help that person, forgetting the husband who is waiting on me yet again. My husband is very understanding, but what havoc will this eventually wreck on our marriage? What will my young, non-understanding children feel like if I do this to them? What will my children and I feel like when my husband misses yet another night/day/week with us?
For once, I am at a complete loss. I can think about things that I could do better or that I wish my parents would have done, but ultimately I have no idea what this sort of family would look like. What does it take to make your spouse and kids number one? How much time, love, energy? There is no fiddling around with this and I dare not just experiment. Besides my God, my husband and children are the most important things in my life. How can I effectively do the ministry that I am called to do and still be there for them? That is the one big humdinger of a question.
So what about family in the ministry? We've all seen those preacher's kids who seem to go crazy on reaching adolesence and adulthood. We've seen those missionary's kids who turn away from their faith forever. We've seen the bitterness they have for their parents. We've seen the men who cheat on their wives with some cute girl in the youth group. We've seen marriages of the great and "godly" desolve. Can kids be brought up successfully by parents in the ministry? Can marriages survive the ministry?
These questions have haunted me since I met that husband of mine who was determined to go into the ministry. I was brought up in the ministry, so to speak. From the time I was six until I was twelve, my parents worked as houseparents at a Christian children's home. We had between six and twelve troubled teenagers living in our house pretty much 24/7. The plus was that I had lots of older brothers and sisters, some of which I adored. I also learned how to relate to people from the lowliest walks of life (they were my siblings after all) and learned from their many mistakes. However, part of the reason that I was so bonded with them is because I felt like one of them. They didn't have parents around. I didn't have my parents around either. For six years, I gave up my parents for those kids. My parents weren't just absent physically, but emotionally and mentally. I felt very abandoned. For years after we left, I hated my parents for making me feel like one of those teens. You see, it doesn't matter if parents in ministry are abandoning their kids for a good cause. It's still abandonment.
As we are now looking not only at going into the ministry very soon, but also starting to have children, this topic is really on my mind. As I told my husband when we were dating, I CANNOT DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN! I cannot say it emphatically enough. The sad thing is that to some extent, I probably will. In fact, I already have trouble putting the ministry before my husband. I get caught up in my work and forget to look into his needs. I see a need before me and feel the desire to take the time to help that person, forgetting the husband who is waiting on me yet again. My husband is very understanding, but what havoc will this eventually wreck on our marriage? What will my young, non-understanding children feel like if I do this to them? What will my children and I feel like when my husband misses yet another night/day/week with us?
For once, I am at a complete loss. I can think about things that I could do better or that I wish my parents would have done, but ultimately I have no idea what this sort of family would look like. What does it take to make your spouse and kids number one? How much time, love, energy? There is no fiddling around with this and I dare not just experiment. Besides my God, my husband and children are the most important things in my life. How can I effectively do the ministry that I am called to do and still be there for them? That is the one big humdinger of a question.
Updates and Thoughts on Ministry
First, I feel the need for some updates on previous posts. Our kids choir rehearsal on Sunday actually went very well. They have been behind, but were all caught up on Sunday. They all behaved surprisingly well. Could it be that I told them we were going to hand out parts, but we couldn't until we got everything done? Maybe, but honestly larger threats/bribes have proved ineffective before. I was just so encouraged that we were caught up. Phew! I might not be a failure after all! :)
We also had our meeting yesterday with the aforementioned pastor. The meeting went very well, although nothing was really decided. On the bright side, the job has the capacity of being more than we had hoped. They have a youth ministry position for my husband, a music ministry one for me, and lots of other work besides. They were also hoping to not only be able to financially support one or both of us full-time, but to help us move down into the area. Wow. Not sure if that will actually work out, but the fact that it is even a possibility and that they are committed to helping our financial situation is really comforting. We will hopefully know in the next ten days, which realistically can probably be translated into three months. We both feel an uncanny peace about this though, as if it's going to happen. It's in God's hands though. Cliche? Yes, but true.
I always expected that when the time came to get a job for the ministry my husband would be done with school, we would be in our thirties, and we would have lots of time to prepare. And here we are at 25/26 looking at a real job possibility. Wow. I feel way too young and inexperienced for this as a whole, but capable and ready for the actual tasks.
I found it ironic that our pastor preached on the appropriate use of power/authority in our lives this week as we're looking at jumping into powerful positions that will help make a church. It has really gotten me thinking. Whether we join this ministry or another down the road, we will be in great positions to work for God or for Satan in our church. I have been in a church where I can honestly say Satan was at work. That experience made me turn my back on my calling. Other teens my age left the church forever and some will be scarred for life. My husband and I cannot let that happen in our church. What an awesome, fearsome responsibility!
So, I suppose throughout this blogging experience (my future) I need to be asking the following questions. Am I using my power correctly or am I abusing it? Am I being a good example (especially to the teens) or am I adding strongholds for Satan into their lives? Am I living authentically or am I acting every week? Do I really love God or do I just love this job? Why am I doing this? Is it for the applause of men, for power, for enjoyment, to feel holy? What are the right reasons? Am I teaching truth or lies? Am I living truth or lies? Am I encouraging people or turning them away empty? What are God's plans and am I following them or my own? Am I sacrificing my family for the ministry? Am I prideful, hateful, selfish, looking for sin? Am I watching out for my husband and being an encourager, not a nag? Are we both watching out for the sins that creep in and destroy? So many questions. So much responsibility! It is amazing how something can feel so right, how you can feel so at peace about something, and yet feel so terrified.
We also had our meeting yesterday with the aforementioned pastor. The meeting went very well, although nothing was really decided. On the bright side, the job has the capacity of being more than we had hoped. They have a youth ministry position for my husband, a music ministry one for me, and lots of other work besides. They were also hoping to not only be able to financially support one or both of us full-time, but to help us move down into the area. Wow. Not sure if that will actually work out, but the fact that it is even a possibility and that they are committed to helping our financial situation is really comforting. We will hopefully know in the next ten days, which realistically can probably be translated into three months. We both feel an uncanny peace about this though, as if it's going to happen. It's in God's hands though. Cliche? Yes, but true.
I always expected that when the time came to get a job for the ministry my husband would be done with school, we would be in our thirties, and we would have lots of time to prepare. And here we are at 25/26 looking at a real job possibility. Wow. I feel way too young and inexperienced for this as a whole, but capable and ready for the actual tasks.
I found it ironic that our pastor preached on the appropriate use of power/authority in our lives this week as we're looking at jumping into powerful positions that will help make a church. It has really gotten me thinking. Whether we join this ministry or another down the road, we will be in great positions to work for God or for Satan in our church. I have been in a church where I can honestly say Satan was at work. That experience made me turn my back on my calling. Other teens my age left the church forever and some will be scarred for life. My husband and I cannot let that happen in our church. What an awesome, fearsome responsibility!
So, I suppose throughout this blogging experience (my future) I need to be asking the following questions. Am I using my power correctly or am I abusing it? Am I being a good example (especially to the teens) or am I adding strongholds for Satan into their lives? Am I living authentically or am I acting every week? Do I really love God or do I just love this job? Why am I doing this? Is it for the applause of men, for power, for enjoyment, to feel holy? What are the right reasons? Am I teaching truth or lies? Am I living truth or lies? Am I encouraging people or turning them away empty? What are God's plans and am I following them or my own? Am I sacrificing my family for the ministry? Am I prideful, hateful, selfish, looking for sin? Am I watching out for my husband and being an encourager, not a nag? Are we both watching out for the sins that creep in and destroy? So many questions. So much responsibility! It is amazing how something can feel so right, how you can feel so at peace about something, and yet feel so terrified.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Living in a Horror Flick
For those of you who don't believe in the supernatural, don't even continue reading. You live a blissfully ignorant life and will probably just think I'm crazy. For those of you who do, I have just one question. Have you ever had a supernatural experience?
When I ask this question, I typically get a story about an experience with God or His angels from people who believe in such things. What about a demonic supernatural experience? I find it odd that most people never experience this. I, unfortunately, have had a lot of experience with evil. Maybe it's because I am working in the church and am under more direct attack than the average joe? Yet that sounds and feels rather egotistical. Who knows why I'm "lucky" enough to be chosen.
Throughout the years, Satan has always targeted me in my dreams. Most of the time it's just a week of continual dreams pushing me on an issue I'm weak in, erroding my self-confidence or my sense of security. People have asked whether these dreams could just be my subconcious or from watching a scary movie the night before. Somehow, I just knew that it wasn't quite that simple. They were very attacking in nature and always involved topics that were not on my mind or subconcious. That was the horror of them. They would pull things out of the blue and hound me with them for an entire week, leaving me an emotional basketcase.
Since I started working at my church in August, Satan has stepped things up. At first my dreams only started getting more intense and frequent. Then around November, things changed. I started having horrifying dreams seeing demon faces and being attacked my demonic beings. Pure terror is the only way I can describe my month under attack. After only a week of this treatment, I was in a constant state of terror. I felt like demons were dogging my footsteps. It is very hard to describe, but every moment of every day I felt horror and terror about what I had seen and dread for the next night's demonic installment. It was downright debilitating. I know that God is stronger and that He will always win, but it is really hard to see Him when you're rivated by the horror all around you.
The most terrifying part was not the dreams, but the deep realization that my dreams were real. Christians know that the demonic realms exist in theory. In theory, I knew that Satan messed with me in my dreams. These dreams made me realize deep down that it is not just theory, that I am really at war against principalities of darkness. It's not just a motivational statement in the Bible, it's really true! That awareness is where most of my horror came from. It's like waking up one day to find out you've been deceived by your fairytale, inside-the-Matrix life and in all reality you are living in the middle of a horror film.
After having several people pray for freedom from my dreams and fears (they eventually got so bad that my own prayers were doing nothing), I had one final dream where I fought Satan. I have since been dream free for about two months. That's not the end of the story. Since that time, two other people (that I know of) on the church staff have started being attacked in their dreams. Each one is attacked at their weakest point. One of them is a counselor and has taken classes on spiritual warfare. In one of her classes, she was told that when demonic groups meet they start late at night and end around 2:30-3:00 a.m. At the end of their meetings they pray and send out demons to Christians. I have no idea how much stock to actually put in that, but I did find it interesting that all of us tend to wake up with these dreams about 2:30-3:00 every night. In fact, the last two nights I have woken up filled with anxiety right at 2:30. I spent last night praying for anyone at our church that might be being attacked. I know of several demonic cults in the area and one that has had conflict with our church. It almost makes me wonder if some group has our number. That is fanciful thinking, but what is not fanciful thinking is that Satan does has our number, is attacking us, and will ultimately lose.
Out of my entire internship, I think this experience has been the most helpful. It has given me a realistic idea of what a job in the ministry will entail. I wasn't expecting to lose my rose-colored glasses quite like this. I must admit that I am still gripped by fear that those dreams will come back. After a particularly productive day at church, I still go home dreading Satan's revenge. On Monday, I will be having a job interview with a small church plant. My career path is based on working in the church. This is not going to go away. I somehow must learn not to live in dread or fear and let Satan win.
I wonder what would happen if we Americans stopped living life blissfully ignorant of the supernatural around us? In most other countries, the supernatural is revered and a part of daily life. We Americans have put on blinders to anything outside of the scientific realm. I wonder what we would experience or discover if we looked the supernatural side of life in the face? However, do I want to go back to living with those blinders? Right now, desperately.
When I ask this question, I typically get a story about an experience with God or His angels from people who believe in such things. What about a demonic supernatural experience? I find it odd that most people never experience this. I, unfortunately, have had a lot of experience with evil. Maybe it's because I am working in the church and am under more direct attack than the average joe? Yet that sounds and feels rather egotistical. Who knows why I'm "lucky" enough to be chosen.
Throughout the years, Satan has always targeted me in my dreams. Most of the time it's just a week of continual dreams pushing me on an issue I'm weak in, erroding my self-confidence or my sense of security. People have asked whether these dreams could just be my subconcious or from watching a scary movie the night before. Somehow, I just knew that it wasn't quite that simple. They were very attacking in nature and always involved topics that were not on my mind or subconcious. That was the horror of them. They would pull things out of the blue and hound me with them for an entire week, leaving me an emotional basketcase.
Since I started working at my church in August, Satan has stepped things up. At first my dreams only started getting more intense and frequent. Then around November, things changed. I started having horrifying dreams seeing demon faces and being attacked my demonic beings. Pure terror is the only way I can describe my month under attack. After only a week of this treatment, I was in a constant state of terror. I felt like demons were dogging my footsteps. It is very hard to describe, but every moment of every day I felt horror and terror about what I had seen and dread for the next night's demonic installment. It was downright debilitating. I know that God is stronger and that He will always win, but it is really hard to see Him when you're rivated by the horror all around you.
The most terrifying part was not the dreams, but the deep realization that my dreams were real. Christians know that the demonic realms exist in theory. In theory, I knew that Satan messed with me in my dreams. These dreams made me realize deep down that it is not just theory, that I am really at war against principalities of darkness. It's not just a motivational statement in the Bible, it's really true! That awareness is where most of my horror came from. It's like waking up one day to find out you've been deceived by your fairytale, inside-the-Matrix life and in all reality you are living in the middle of a horror film.
After having several people pray for freedom from my dreams and fears (they eventually got so bad that my own prayers were doing nothing), I had one final dream where I fought Satan. I have since been dream free for about two months. That's not the end of the story. Since that time, two other people (that I know of) on the church staff have started being attacked in their dreams. Each one is attacked at their weakest point. One of them is a counselor and has taken classes on spiritual warfare. In one of her classes, she was told that when demonic groups meet they start late at night and end around 2:30-3:00 a.m. At the end of their meetings they pray and send out demons to Christians. I have no idea how much stock to actually put in that, but I did find it interesting that all of us tend to wake up with these dreams about 2:30-3:00 every night. In fact, the last two nights I have woken up filled with anxiety right at 2:30. I spent last night praying for anyone at our church that might be being attacked. I know of several demonic cults in the area and one that has had conflict with our church. It almost makes me wonder if some group has our number. That is fanciful thinking, but what is not fanciful thinking is that Satan does has our number, is attacking us, and will ultimately lose.
Out of my entire internship, I think this experience has been the most helpful. It has given me a realistic idea of what a job in the ministry will entail. I wasn't expecting to lose my rose-colored glasses quite like this. I must admit that I am still gripped by fear that those dreams will come back. After a particularly productive day at church, I still go home dreading Satan's revenge. On Monday, I will be having a job interview with a small church plant. My career path is based on working in the church. This is not going to go away. I somehow must learn not to live in dread or fear and let Satan win.
I wonder what would happen if we Americans stopped living life blissfully ignorant of the supernatural around us? In most other countries, the supernatural is revered and a part of daily life. We Americans have put on blinders to anything outside of the scientific realm. I wonder what we would experience or discover if we looked the supernatural side of life in the face? However, do I want to go back to living with those blinders? Right now, desperately.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Scary Future
I have been waiting for this email for two weeks and now that I have it I almost wish it had never come!
Let's back up. Two weeks ago I had a minor panic attack. I started looking into the future and realized that I needed a job and I needed it now. I have been desperately trying to find a way to work at home or do something I love. When I finally crunched the numbers I knew I couldn't wait any longer. The problem is that if I get a job I will (a) get a job I hate because that's all that's available, (b) be overwhelmed again by trying to work full-time and trying to fit 2 hours of travel time into my day since I live so far away, (c) fail again at our getting-out-of-debt plan as I won't have the time or energy it takes to make money saving meals, and worst (d) not have time for my part-time job at my church which is really what I want to do. In other words, my life would go back to hell-in-a-handbasket. However, I needed money and I needed insurance. I crunched the numbers and freaked out!
How in the world could God let me fall in love with my job, get hope of getting out of the sucky working world into what I'm meant to do, and now take it all away from me?! I was miserable before and going back felt like going before a firing squad. How could He?!
I tried everything to calm down. I quoted the memory verses and sermon notes to myself from the women's conference on anxiety that I had been to a week before. I re-lived all of the other times that God had come through for me. I asked God for exactly what I wanted and left it in His hands. And I still didn't believe. I got craigslist out and started seriously applying for crappy jobs. I even voiced my doubt to my encouraging mother on the phone and told her that reality was calling and I was answering.
Then I got slapped with another mother's-always-right moment (those are always painful). As soon as I got off the phone with her, I got an email about a church plant from my church that was looking not only for a music position that I could fill, but possibly a youth ministry position that my even more unhappy husband could fill. The work was part-time and the money took care of at least half of my weekly goals. Huh. Then I found out that my old part-time job at our city library, that I loved and have been trying to get back into, will hopefully be opening soon. That would take care of the other half of my paycheck and eventually benefits. Keep in mind, I love both of these jobs and not only do they work around each other, but will eventually keep me pretty much home with my kids. Huh again. Then I got home to my mail informing me that my Cobra dirt-cheap benefits were extended till next year taking care of my insurance problems for another 12 months. Huh, huh and huh. Now, He has never come through for me so dramatically before in less than 24 hours. Think He's trying to tell me something?
These last two weeks I've been in waiting mode. I never heard back from the church and the city job never opened. Somehow my husband and I have felt a neurotic peace about it. We still believed it had to happen. I mean, it felt like God slapped us in the face with each of them, so surely He actually meant to carry things through. Right? Funny, this time we felt peace with even more to lose. Our dreams were at stake.
Peace until this morning. I found out that the church has been trying to contact me, but had the wrong email address. They want to look into this. Now I'm freaking out. Freaking, freaking out! Dreams are a lot easier when they are just dreams.
Let's back up. Two weeks ago I had a minor panic attack. I started looking into the future and realized that I needed a job and I needed it now. I have been desperately trying to find a way to work at home or do something I love. When I finally crunched the numbers I knew I couldn't wait any longer. The problem is that if I get a job I will (a) get a job I hate because that's all that's available, (b) be overwhelmed again by trying to work full-time and trying to fit 2 hours of travel time into my day since I live so far away, (c) fail again at our getting-out-of-debt plan as I won't have the time or energy it takes to make money saving meals, and worst (d) not have time for my part-time job at my church which is really what I want to do. In other words, my life would go back to hell-in-a-handbasket. However, I needed money and I needed insurance. I crunched the numbers and freaked out!
How in the world could God let me fall in love with my job, get hope of getting out of the sucky working world into what I'm meant to do, and now take it all away from me?! I was miserable before and going back felt like going before a firing squad. How could He?!
I tried everything to calm down. I quoted the memory verses and sermon notes to myself from the women's conference on anxiety that I had been to a week before. I re-lived all of the other times that God had come through for me. I asked God for exactly what I wanted and left it in His hands. And I still didn't believe. I got craigslist out and started seriously applying for crappy jobs. I even voiced my doubt to my encouraging mother on the phone and told her that reality was calling and I was answering.
Then I got slapped with another mother's-always-right moment (those are always painful). As soon as I got off the phone with her, I got an email about a church plant from my church that was looking not only for a music position that I could fill, but possibly a youth ministry position that my even more unhappy husband could fill. The work was part-time and the money took care of at least half of my weekly goals. Huh. Then I found out that my old part-time job at our city library, that I loved and have been trying to get back into, will hopefully be opening soon. That would take care of the other half of my paycheck and eventually benefits. Keep in mind, I love both of these jobs and not only do they work around each other, but will eventually keep me pretty much home with my kids. Huh again. Then I got home to my mail informing me that my Cobra dirt-cheap benefits were extended till next year taking care of my insurance problems for another 12 months. Huh, huh and huh. Now, He has never come through for me so dramatically before in less than 24 hours. Think He's trying to tell me something?
These last two weeks I've been in waiting mode. I never heard back from the church and the city job never opened. Somehow my husband and I have felt a neurotic peace about it. We still believed it had to happen. I mean, it felt like God slapped us in the face with each of them, so surely He actually meant to carry things through. Right? Funny, this time we felt peace with even more to lose. Our dreams were at stake.
Peace until this morning. I found out that the church has been trying to contact me, but had the wrong email address. They want to look into this. Now I'm freaking out. Freaking, freaking out! Dreams are a lot easier when they are just dreams.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Introduction
Finally, the promised introductory blog. I find myself at a loss as to what to write, but still strongly feel like my blog deserves a proper introduction. The theme of my blog is not only the story of my life, but the accomplishment of my goals. So let me tell you a little bit about my story and my goals.
As previously stated, I am 25 years old. I am a Christian. I am not religious, affiliated with any religious side, or anything else of the sort. I have a relationship with God. He gets me through every day and provides for my every legitimate need. You cannot understand me without understanding Him.
I have been married for two and a half years to my best friend. My husband is an extremely smart, loving man who I respect and adore. We are currently trying to put him through college while he works as assistant manager at an oil lube shop (our just-for-now job that turned into a long-term-works-with-school-schedule job). I was recently laid off from a job I hated, so I am enjoying living off the government for a while until I find the right vocational path. Right now it is just us and our adorable cat Tidus, but we are hoping to add more soon.
Another big part of me is that I am a musician. I am a singer, but also a closet pianist. I am an avid reader. Music and stories are the best avenue of communication for me. I am extremely easygoing, but have my obsessive compulsive moments. I went to a bible college and got a degree in music. That is where I've been. Now for where I want to go. Here's a list of my goals:
~ My life belongs to my God. I want to live it according to what He wants. I've already learned that my life is better when I follow His plan. However, I do have goals that I hope I will accomplish along the way.
~ My husband and I both want to work in ministry whether it's in a church or a para-church organization. We're especially interested in ministries including: music, drama, discipleship, children (me mainly), marriage, teens, and church planting. Basically everything.
~ Being a mom. I will state more on my views of this later, but being a good mom someday is very important to me.
~ Teaching. Someday, I want to teach. Probably just music classes, but something.
~ I want my job to be something I love and am called to do from now on. No more money-making jobs that make me miserable. Lofty and impractical, yes.
~ Become a good (at least functional) pianist.
~ Become fluent in Spanish.
~ Travel to Japan, S. Korea, Austria, Thailand, and India. I also want to go back to Australia and New Zealand with my husband. We've both been separately. Other countries are also welcome.
~ Take classes on conducting an orchestra and spend a lot of time doing so.
~ Buy a house.
~ Get a dog.
~ Teach private music lessons.
I think that's about as brief as I can be.
As previously stated, I am 25 years old. I am a Christian. I am not religious, affiliated with any religious side, or anything else of the sort. I have a relationship with God. He gets me through every day and provides for my every legitimate need. You cannot understand me without understanding Him.
I have been married for two and a half years to my best friend. My husband is an extremely smart, loving man who I respect and adore. We are currently trying to put him through college while he works as assistant manager at an oil lube shop (our just-for-now job that turned into a long-term-works-with-school-schedule job). I was recently laid off from a job I hated, so I am enjoying living off the government for a while until I find the right vocational path. Right now it is just us and our adorable cat Tidus, but we are hoping to add more soon.
Another big part of me is that I am a musician. I am a singer, but also a closet pianist. I am an avid reader. Music and stories are the best avenue of communication for me. I am extremely easygoing, but have my obsessive compulsive moments. I went to a bible college and got a degree in music. That is where I've been. Now for where I want to go. Here's a list of my goals:
~ My life belongs to my God. I want to live it according to what He wants. I've already learned that my life is better when I follow His plan. However, I do have goals that I hope I will accomplish along the way.
~ My husband and I both want to work in ministry whether it's in a church or a para-church organization. We're especially interested in ministries including: music, drama, discipleship, children (me mainly), marriage, teens, and church planting. Basically everything.
~ Being a mom. I will state more on my views of this later, but being a good mom someday is very important to me.
~ Teaching. Someday, I want to teach. Probably just music classes, but something.
~ I want my job to be something I love and am called to do from now on. No more money-making jobs that make me miserable. Lofty and impractical, yes.
~ Become a good (at least functional) pianist.
~ Become fluent in Spanish.
~ Travel to Japan, S. Korea, Austria, Thailand, and India. I also want to go back to Australia and New Zealand with my husband. We've both been separately. Other countries are also welcome.
~ Take classes on conducting an orchestra and spend a lot of time doing so.
~ Buy a house.
~ Get a dog.
~ Teach private music lessons.
I think that's about as brief as I can be.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
zzzzzzzz.........PUNCH!
Sooooooo tired. Too tired to come up with the promised introductory blog. I teach my church's kid's choir and today was auditions. Thankfully, not quite all of the 60+ K-5th graders tried out for a part, but by golly we probably had a 75% turn out. Sigh. Lots of whinny parents, unprepared kiddos, and no dinner. Add that to an hour and a half rehearsal of now beyond fidgity children and you get a big need for a strong drink and soft bed.
I was socked in the nose tonight. Or at least in the nose of my pride. Our 60+ kids individually are all wonderful angels, but combined become the most disrespectful, loud, unfocused, devils I have ever had the misfortune or privilage to work with. So this year, I decided that if I was in control I had better take control. I made an extensive set of rules with a super brutal list of corrections if those rules weren't followed. I even made the kids memorize them. Last week the kids were so terrified in the face of my strict punishments that they behaved like perfect angels. I went home, gave an evil laugh, patted myself on the back, and said "Grace, you are finally going to turn this choir around!" Heh. Heh. Heh. Punch. My dear co-director and I were close to murder by the end of the night. Scared of us, the kids are not. Sigh. Kind of defeats the purpose of a semester long four strike discipline plan if they get all four strikes in one night. I think I will hide under the covers until I have to emerge next week for the next round. We will see who wins. I might have scored the last two weeks, but tonight it felt like the monsters might have scored 10 points each.
I was socked in the nose tonight. Or at least in the nose of my pride. Our 60+ kids individually are all wonderful angels, but combined become the most disrespectful, loud, unfocused, devils I have ever had the misfortune or privilage to work with. So this year, I decided that if I was in control I had better take control. I made an extensive set of rules with a super brutal list of corrections if those rules weren't followed. I even made the kids memorize them. Last week the kids were so terrified in the face of my strict punishments that they behaved like perfect angels. I went home, gave an evil laugh, patted myself on the back, and said "Grace, you are finally going to turn this choir around!" Heh. Heh. Heh. Punch. My dear co-director and I were close to murder by the end of the night. Scared of us, the kids are not. Sigh. Kind of defeats the purpose of a semester long four strike discipline plan if they get all four strikes in one night. I think I will hide under the covers until I have to emerge next week for the next round. We will see who wins. I might have scored the last two weeks, but tonight it felt like the monsters might have scored 10 points each.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Against my better judgement...
I am not a writer. I long ago lost all illusions about my writing skills. In fact, I am sure that I will find further humiliation in writing a blog. It really is my old roommate's fault. I have to admit, I've been having an itch to start blogging about something, anything. After reading her blog I became inspired. After confessing my inspiration and lack of confidence, I was encouraged to go for it. So blame her for your pain. I reserve all rights to be slow to post, stupid in words, and to eventually drop this blog business altogether. In fact, I'm going to be so contrary that I will wait at least a day to come up with a proper introductory blog. Alright, it's all a farce. I'm pathetically excited about this. :)
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