The Scary Future

I have been waiting for this email for two weeks and now that I have it I almost wish it had never come!

Let's back up. Two weeks ago I had a minor panic attack. I started looking into the future and realized that I needed a job and I needed it now. I have been desperately trying to find a way to work at home or do something I love. When I finally crunched the numbers I knew I couldn't wait any longer. The problem is that if I get a job I will (a) get a job I hate because that's all that's available, (b) be overwhelmed again by trying to work full-time and trying to fit 2 hours of travel time into my day since I live so far away, (c) fail again at our getting-out-of-debt plan as I won't have the time or energy it takes to make money saving meals, and worst (d) not have time for my part-time job at my church which is really what I want to do. In other words, my life would go back to hell-in-a-handbasket. However, I needed money and I needed insurance. I crunched the numbers and freaked out!

How in the world could God let me fall in love with my job, get hope of getting out of the sucky working world into what I'm meant to do, and now take it all away from me?! I was miserable before and going back felt like going before a firing squad. How could He?!

I tried everything to calm down. I quoted the memory verses and sermon notes to myself from the women's conference on anxiety that I had been to a week before. I re-lived all of the other times that God had come through for me. I asked God for exactly what I wanted and left it in His hands. And I still didn't believe. I got craigslist out and started seriously applying for crappy jobs. I even voiced my doubt to my encouraging mother on the phone and told her that reality was calling and I was answering.

Then I got slapped with another mother's-always-right moment (those are always painful). As soon as I got off the phone with her, I got an email about a church plant from my church that was looking not only for a music position that I could fill, but possibly a youth ministry position that my even more unhappy husband could fill. The work was part-time and the money took care of at least half of my weekly goals. Huh. Then I found out that my old part-time job at our city library, that I loved and have been trying to get back into, will hopefully be opening soon. That would take care of the other half of my paycheck and eventually benefits. Keep in mind, I love both of these jobs and not only do they work around each other, but will eventually keep me pretty much home with my kids. Huh again. Then I got home to my mail informing me that my Cobra dirt-cheap benefits were extended till next year taking care of my insurance problems for another 12 months. Huh, huh and huh. Now, He has never come through for me so dramatically before in less than 24 hours. Think He's trying to tell me something?

These last two weeks I've been in waiting mode. I never heard back from the church and the city job never opened. Somehow my husband and I have felt a neurotic peace about it. We still believed it had to happen. I mean, it felt like God slapped us in the face with each of them, so surely He actually meant to carry things through. Right? Funny, this time we felt peace with even more to lose. Our dreams were at stake.

Peace until this morning. I found out that the church has been trying to contact me, but had the wrong email address. They want to look into this. Now I'm freaking out. Freaking, freaking out! Dreams are a lot easier when they are just dreams.