Priorities

It is so funny how quickly your life can change around. Just a few months ago my dream was to work as a worship director at a church. I was loving working at my church. I was beyond excited for the challenge of my hopefully upcoming job at another church. Then I got pregnant. Now I don't have time for my work at the church and it has frankly sunk way low on my priority list. I am dreading, dreading, dreading the possibility of getting the job at the other church. How in the world can my lifelong dreams change in a few short months? I knew in theory that it stinks to work when you have children, but now I know it on a whole new level. Right now, there is nothing in my mind besides getting through pregnancy and raising my child. Everything else is just taking from that time. Do I still want that job? Well yes, because I know I would regret not getting it, I'll want it more someday soon, and it really is the best option financially right now. Although one of the biggest reasons is because if I took that job I would be able to stay home with my baby. Pathetic, maybe. As much as I don't want our lives to revolve around our children, I just can't help being singleminded at the moment. Some of that could be because it's hard to look at the world around you when your heads in the toilet, but not all.

Here's the weirdest thing. I'm experiencing this on a level of the inevitable loss of independence from having children. I'm actually saddened that my life has taken this turn and almost yearning for life to go back to normal. Of course, only almost because I wouldn't change my baby for anything in the world. But still, I wonder if my life will ever get back to normal. Will I ever have my own goals and dreams again or will my life just be centered around my family? I can't help but think that neither extreme is healthy. I mean while I am terrified of becoming a Stepford Wife, I still wouldn't miss my baby's life by being a professional mom. At the same time, I don't want to give up my God-given calling just because I'm happier with my kids. Hopefully I'll be able to find a better balance. For now I will go on waiting for things to fall into place and trying not to be stressed out by the future. Yeah, easier said than done. I have visions of being up all night Saturday for the fourth night in a row with the baby and having to get up early to make a service happen. Bleh. Our mother's were truly super heroes. I'm not even thinking quality right now, but merely hoping I can do this.

On a side note, I have noticed that most of my posts lately have been negative and about change. Maybe because I'm a pretty negative person and my life is all about change right now, but still no fun. :) So, here's an update on baby bean. It is almost 3 inches long. It has arms, legs, joints, and can even suck it's thumb. It's moving around all over the place twitching and getting the nerves ready to move muscles and just starting to learn how to command it's muscles to do things. Researchers say that if you could see it or feel it, you would start being able to detect a personality. It really is a little person even though it's only 3 inches long. Amazing. In the next four to five weeks, I'll hopefully be able to feel it. On the outside, it has given me a wonderful (sarcastic) early baby bump. Which is really awkward when people notice my bump, ask how far along I am, and then get this puzzled look when I say only 11 weeks. Oh well, the bump was inevitable and enables me to wear super comfy maternity pants. It's actually starting to be a good and exciting experience. Thank goodness!