Yep, I'm Crazy!

Those one or two of you who actually read my blog know how much I hate pregnancy. With every fiber of my being! Remember how I talked about God's funny little brainwashing that causes women to have warm fuzzy feelings about getting another little bundle of joy? It's so true. For some reason I'm pregnant again. That's right, already. My son will be 20 months old when we welcome our next bundle of joy. Oddly enough, I'm really excited. This time around is different. Don't get me wrong, I still hate every moment of pregnancy, but I've learned some things since last time: 1. IT IS WORTH IT! Last time I honestly questioned this often. I can honestly say that I would be pregnant many times just to have my one little boy. Does that make it less hard or more fun? Heck no. But at least I'm not afraid of the light at the end of the tunnel this time around. 2. This time I know what to expect. From the first glance at that little plus sign, I knew exactly what hell awaited me. I fell like this time it was my choice to deal with this instead of just being surprised by the yuckiness handed to me. 3. Distraction. Talk about distracted this time around! A young baby and four jobs leave me with very little time to think about what's going on in my body. I have already done this. This time I don't need to remember every moment of this monumentous occasion. In fact, I'm purposefully trying to not dwell on this in hopes that the time will go faster. I'm trying not to count down the weeks. I'm trying to only dwell on the positive and focus more on life here and now. Enjoy my time with just my son, enjoy the little freedom I still have left, leave the worrying for later. 4. I can do this! The knowledge that I have already accomplished this, that I am actually super woman, is actually very comforting. There are new worries and hardships that come with another child, but pregnancy is the hardest part and I know now I've got this! The good news is that this time around the nausea seems a little better. Not sure if it's just I know how bad it can get so my measuring stick has changed or maybe I've got a little girl growing this time...? Who knows, but I'll take what I can get! Countdown to July, please begin and go fast! Here's hopes and prayers for a better pregnancy this time around!

First Steps

My little boy took his first steps yesterday.

I have been looking forward to his first steps for a long time. It's after all one of those big events and milestones that you write in the babybook. Except it was a lot bigger than I thought.

Kind of like your love as a parent. You know that when you have kids you will love them with an undescribeable love. You know it's coming. But when it comes...it's stronger and more joyous than you could ever imagine.

It may sound cheesy, but watching my little boy walk was one of the greatest moments in my life.

There is just something special about first steps. It's that first step towards becoming a grown up. First step towards independence. First step towards humanity. Sadly, first step away from mommy.

Even Roen seemed to feel that this was an extra special accomplishment. Every time he walked the distance between his parents, he grinned this gigantic, proud grin that seemed to say a lot more than "Look at me!" This morning my husband and I noticed that he wasn't just cruising the couch. No, he was cruising with a newfound confidence. In fact, he was downright parading himself around that couch knowing that he could let go and continue going...if he wanted. :)

It was a rite of passage like I didn't expect. Like adolescence, his first car, his first drink, his first love. It all started with his first steps.

There are all sorts of "first steps" in life. I wonder if God feels the same way about our steps? What an amazing thought. What an amazing experience this week!

That Nasty Little Voice

Has anyone ever told you you couldn't do something? Have you been told you are a failure and need to re-direct your energies? If you're anything like me, that nasty little voice pops up into your head and eventually you start believing it.

I have always been very gifted musically. There really hasn't been anything I can't do. Ever since I was little I dreamed about composing. My mom tells me I would make up songs on the playground and perform them for my family.

In college, I couldn't wait to take my composition class and become a good or at least functional composer! Until my composition professor became that nasty little voice.

My composition class was the hardest class of my college career. No matter what I wrote, I could not please my professor. I remember meetings in his office where he would tell me how I had no talent in composing and was impossible. He never used those exact words and never meant to be cruel, but...

The brightest day of my college career was oddly in composition class. I worked so so sooo hard on an arrangement of my favorite Christmas song, trying desperately to get back in my professor's good graces. At my weekly office visit, he told me I was doing great. He praised my song in front of the whole class and made us all play through it several times. I was so excited when I saw the A on the cover! Or even a B!

C-?!?! Yep, worst grade in the class yet and worse than everyone around me. What the heck?! My best got me a C-.

I decided that day that I should just give up composing.

Yet all of a sudden I'm feeling very pricked to get at it again. I direct a children's choir and have found that all of the musicals being published are stupid, cliche, and doctrinally weak if not crazy. For quite some time now, I have been passionate about writing my own musicals.

I was planning on giving out the music portion to a friend, however that fell through. I also gave away the script to my husband because he's much better at that sort of thing. Now I'm left with the music myself and feeling like I really need to just do it. But that nasty little voice says I can't!

I know that I am no Handel or Mozart or even Coldplay, but maybe I can at least do an adequate job. Maybe I can do this. I feel like I should. I guess it's time to punch that nasty voiced professor in the face!

Stupid Office Injuries

I am a workman's comp nightmare. I have several jobs worth of co-workers that know this about me. No, I don't work with any heavy machinery so I haven't ripped off a limb or anything yet. However, my ability to hurt myself with the smallest desktop staples (pun not intended, but accepted) is legendary.

Oh sure, I get all of the typical office injuries: tendonitis (in both wrists), stubbed toes, banged body parts, scratches, even a twisted ankle and knee once. The problem is that those are only the beginning. Here's a list of just the unusual injuries that I can remember:

• Stappled my thumb.


• Cut myself with scissors multiple times


• Smashed my finger while whole punching


• Cardboard cuts


• Intense paper cuts off plan paper which got close to slitting my wrist


• Cut off half my thumb nail with the paper cutter (The only reason I have escaped worse mutilation from that thing is that I'm terrified of it!)


• Burned on copier parts


• Several bumps on the head (one actually creating a raised egg) from the phone


• Cut from paper clip


• Stabbed with pen


• Missed my chair sitting down


• Cut my finger along with the tape on the dispenser

And now my latest...well...I think I saved the best for last.

• Snapped my eyeball with a rubber band.

Yes, this is actually possible. Come to find out a rubber band can break and snap back before you have time to blink.

I was putting a thin rubber band around something and it broke. The end whipped back catching me perfectly on my bare eyeball. There is now a stinging red spot on my eye. Feels similar to the time that a little girl in my afterschool ministry sliced my eyeball with her fingernail making it bleed for about 30 minutes...

Sound like a 4th Stooge? I really don't think I'm clumsy. Not normally. In fact, I pride myself on being somewhat graceful. Maybe I need to re-think that...

The terrifying question keeps running through my head...what's next...?

I Have an Excuse!

Yes, I have been absent for a while. I know that I promised to write more and then promptly stopped writing. I do have an excuse!

I started another blog. Yes, I do feel like a dirty cheater, but it's turned out quite nicely for me. Remember how I was whining about not having a purpose for my blog? Ding ding ding! I have a special purpose! (For those of you who haven't seen The Jerk with Steve Martin...you need to.)

Since I got married I started gaining weight. I'm convinced marriage makes you fat. You know what makes you even fatter? Pregnancy! My son is now 9 months old (can you believe it?!) and I am still rather...large. Or at least I feel that way.

I started a diet. It actually is going pretty well. However, I knew I needed accountability...and I had a couple of people ask me how I was doing it...and all of a sudden, I had my purpose!

So I started all over again with my brand new weight loss blog. My blog is about dieting in a realistic fashion by making small life long changes that build on each other. In the process, I have lost 6 pounds and am averaging 1 pound per week! Not bad, considering the lack of effort I've had to put into my diet.

How am I doing it? Well, you'll just have to join my cheating ways and read the blog to find out. :)

http://therealisticdieter.blogspot.com

The Best Gift

It’s funny how someone you have never met can impact your life so greatly.

When I was a kid, I don’t remember ever wishing for toys or money or looks that my friend’s had. You know what I envied? Their grandparents. Oh sure, I had grandparents. I had one complete set left. They were quite the pair. Everyone’s family is dysfunctional, but mine… Not only was my immediate family terribly scarred by the things they had done to my mother, but they continued to fail me.

I distinctly remember noticing at a very early age that my grandmother never told me she loved me. I remember waiting for years for those words, the anger growing. Finally, at the age of 12 she finally said them. 12 years… It’s not like we had a “bad” relationship with them. We saw them every Christmas and many holidays. They bought me gifts and sometimes did random things that were nice. But they were never there for me. They never loved me like a grandparent should. I watched my friends with their grandparents who loved them and oh it burned!

What’s worse is that I had those grandparents. My father’s parents were godly, wonderful people. When I was a little girl, I am told that I loved my granddad and he doted on me. By the time I could remember him, he had severe Parkinsons and Alzheimers. I remember visiting him in the nursing home and receiving blank stares or random pats for a little girl he didn’t know existed. I loved him dearly, but he just wasn’t able to be there.

Then there is my grandmother. She is the woman I never met and have missed from my earliest memories. She died when my father was a teenager. She never met my mother. She was the mother of five boys who always wanted a girl. From pictures and stories, I have always known several things about her: she would have loved me like a grandma should, she would have spoiled me, she would have influenced my life as a godly grandma, she passed her looks to me, I feel like we would have been very close, and even though I have very little idea of what she was actually like, I desperately wanted/want to be just like her.


Today is my birthday. It’s kind of a mediocre one this year because we lack money and it lands on my hardest work day. However, I received the greatest gift I have ever gotten from my dad. He wrote this in an email to me today:

“You have a lot of my Mom's qualities and characteristics, I think. Hair color, certain occasional mannerisms I see, and I think even some personality similarities. I think you and she would have really enjoyed each other's company - even if you were the same age, I think you would have been good friends.”

He had no idea of how much I wanted to believe those things all of my life. How much I yearned to know her and be loved by her, much less to be her friend. According to him, I AM like her.

I have never known you Grandma, never heard your laugh or feel your hug, but I love you with all of my heart. I can’t wait to meet you in heaven someday!

It’s funny how someone you have never met can impact your life so greatly.

Nanny Robot? Yes Please!

When are they going to come up with a nanny robot? I have been giving voice lessons for a while and have found them to be a spectacular way to make a living. There is little prep and I make twice as much per hour as I would with any other job. Oh and I love it! There's only one problem. Each student takes an hour of my undivided attention. Hard to do with a baby around. So far I've worked it around his naps or he'll play nicely while I work. However, as he ages this will get harder. When we add another kid this might become impossible. I'd love to go fulltime, but that would take hiring someone which makes the money not quite worth it. You know what would solve my problem? A nanny robot!!!! A one time payment to fulfill hours of babysitting needs! Maybe I just need to invent one.

In other voice studio news, I am getting my second full hour student (the full hour ones are not only the ones that pay, but the serious students so they're the ones I'm aiming for). This little guy is 13 and will be my first male student. I don't know very much yet about teaching guys. Add to that interesting complications with adolescent voice changes and...this will be interesting. But I'm looking forward to it! Wish I had more readers so I could get suggestions. :)

If at first you don't succeed...ah, screw it!

Today I am still reeling. It’s funny how some of the vilest enemies are our own minds, our own insecurities. It is obvious from the way the job rejection went down that my rejection was not a personal rejection of me, but rather the job was already in their minds filled with someone else, someone probably with more schooling and experience. Yet I cannot get my own insecurities out of my mind. As I said, if they won’t hire me who will? I must be very incapable if they don’t even look at my resume. Why can’t they see what a great person I am, how accomplished and how far just a little investment in me will take them? Must be because it’s all in my mind and not real. Right? Why did I ever think I could do this?!

Then at church today I looked up on stage and saw my replacement. Yep, they hired a young intern FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!!! He is young and not completely sure he wants to be a worship director and yet they hired him for three whole years, obviously investing in his future. Why didn’t they offer that to me? Did I miss an opportunity? Am I just not good enough? Who’s investing in my future? I’ve think we’ve established this week, no one. Why am I not worth investing in? Looking up at that young man who was leading worship, playing the piano (another thing I’m lacking) and seemingly clicking with the worship pastor like I never did, it just hit me that I have been enthusiastically replaced. They won’t need me for the next three years. The place I had to leave to have my son no longer wants or needs me back. Or at least that’s what my mind is telling me. I must confess, I wasn’t able to sing about the goodness of God this morning.

The funny thing is that I know this isn’t true. I’ve had people I respect and who are knowledgeable about music and directing encourage me and tell me that I am meant for this. I know myself that my confidence in my abilities are not mistaken. I know that God has created me to do this. I know that a lot of the problem is timing.

The bigger blow was in the little voice I heard in the car. I was driving home after finding out about my big rejection and asking God why. As I was quieting down from my tirade I heard clear as day the voice of God saying, “You were too proud. You wanted this for the wrong reasons.” I’ve had this experience a few times in my life, oddly always on the topic of my future in worship ministry. There is no possible way to deny God’s voice when you hear your Creator speaking. I knew it was Him…and I knew He was right. Those visions of grandeur, applause, ownership of a choir, respect in the community and power while not so bad that they make me the next Napolean still are not the right attitude I need to succeed. Those thoughts only grow with power and probably would have caused me to fail. I know that. Still, there is nothing worse than having your Creator acknowledge that you are in the wrong…to your face…audibly. Ouch. Knowing the reason is not comforting, it’s actually the worst part of this ordeal.

But at least I know the reason or a big part of it. Where do I go from here? God knows. I certainly don’t. Do I despair? Well, I am right now. Hopefully I’ll gain confidence as the sting wears off. Do I try again? Right now I’m considering just giving up my dream altogether as sticking my neck out and then being judged not good enough is too painful. Oh well, maybe by next week I’ll be able to shrug and say, “You win some, you lose some.”

That was a little too fast...

Heard back from the conducting dream job. They were nice enough to tell me that they got my resume and sweetly added that they aren't auditioning anymore candidates at this time. Can't help but think that it's because I didn't get it in early like I wanted to. Can't help but be a little mad at the people who were reviewing my resume and made me wait 10 days. Can't help but wonder if their lack of enthusiasm is because they knew I couldn't do it (they would know, too). Can't help but wonder if I'm just not good enough. Sigh. I know none of those trails will lead me anywhere which leaves me with two things that I know to be true. It wasn't God's will for me, it just wasn't. And, this really sucks...

How Many Non-Christians Do Christians Know?

One of the benefits of working for a Christian organization is that part of my job is reading interesting articles. I got a very thought provoking one today. The article covered many points, but the one that stuck out to me is the church’s failure to reach out is not necessarily through failure in the church programs, but in the individual’s failure to live outside of the church. Christians have a tendency to spend a lot of time at the church or with churchy people. There are two ways we typically evangelize. One is through relationships, however if you don’t know or spend any time with non-Christians how do you build relationships? That leaves the second type…evangelizing strangers. I am a Christian and I have been offended time and again by the door to door knockers, hateful street preachers, and childish hellfire pamphlets I have received. I’ve always been appalled at what people who are “not in the club” might think. In my book, that is just not an acceptable way to reach people…ok, it’s the worst possible way to reach people.

So how do we as a church fulfill Jesus’ to-do list of introducing Him around and helping to change lives? I believe it’s mostly through relationships. In fact, I’ve seen it happen myself. I have a friend who I met and instantly clicked with. However, she and her husband were not Christians. I spent a lot of time praying for them, but honestly I spent more time getting to know her and having fun with her. We have talked about the specifics of religion maybe once. I’m not the person she needs to hear it from, I’m the person that she enjoys spending time with, that tries (and fails a lot) to model Christ’s changes in my heart, and who tries to be there practically for her both as a friend and as an obligated slave of Christ reaching out to someone who needs something (sometimes easy and sometimes…not). She and her husband are Christians today and are raising their child to love Jesus. I honestly didn’t have a lot to do with that. I just did what Christ did. I reached out and loved. I enjoy her. Our friendship was never based around her coming to salvation and me adding another tick on my list of people I’ve “saved.” She is like a sister to me and now I just happen to be lucky enough to have her as a sister in Christ. Seeking out a relationship rather than seeking out a salvation has been pretty effective for me.

That long story said, I felt pretty good about myself. Then I thought about it. How many other non-Christian friends do I have…? Umm…. I’m reaching here. Surely I have more?! Nope, not really. Oh sure, I have excuses. I work at mainly Christian workplaces so I don’t really meet people at work. That’s a pretty good excuse, yet…I have a feeling not good enough. I’m reaching out to other really hurting Christians. Doesn’t that count? Not quite.

Maybe I need to make a greater effort to get outside of my Christian bubble. I have nothing against non-Christians, but I just never meet them. Yeah, that’s a bad excuse. Should I be knocking door to door or meeting neighbors just to bring them to Christ? Heck no! But maybe I can be more intentional about placing myself in situations to be more “in the world.” Maybe I can find a way to work in the secular realm. Maybe I need to join secular mom play groups, not MOPS. Maybe this new job will work out and I’ll be doing music in the community rather than at a church. All in all, a lot to think about.

The Perfect Blogger...What Planet Are You From?!

What do moms have time for? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Wait, sometimes I get lunch, every once in a while close to an accepted lunch time, and a few times even hot! What I want to know is how most of my mom friends have time to write blogs? And they don't just write long winded, selfish drivel with no point like I do. No, I have read blog after blog on baking cakes, sewing, couponing your way to financial freedom, organization (what is that?), making your home magazine worthy, and perfect parenting. I can't help but hope the truth is these moms have messy houses, spoiled brats for kids, and their only comfort in life is staying up till 2:00 a.m. writing a fairy tale on their blog.

In an effort to appear perfect to my large blog audience, I've made a mid-year's resolution to blog more. I did start this blog with great intentions, to keep up with friends. Admittedly, it has turned into a good place to "discuss" (aka talk to myself) about my deep thoughts. The good news is I barely have time to pee anymore much less think big thoughts. So there's a slight chance I might be able to get this blog back on track. Maybe my house cleaning will become motivated and follow suit. :)

Now for a topic...Hmm... I'm a terrible baker. I do know a lot about kids, but who listens to a first time mom with a baby merely 7 months old? My only hobby is reading, but I HATE reading book reviews so why write them? I am a whiz at craigslist (seriously, I could change your life), but I don't think I can give instructions as this gift is not a skill but merely a blessing from the gods. So I will do what every other blogger does. I'll pour my heart out in a public blog and hope that someday I can find a purpose for my meaningless drivel.

Here's to blogging mainly because everyone else is doing it! I'm telling you, these days to be a good wife, mother, and homemaker...you just have to blog.

What if dreams come true?

Dreams. We all dream dreams. Some little and some big, big dreams. I dream big dreams. I have always been the type to dream big, but to live practically. For instance, I may dream about what it would be like to be a movie star or a princess. I may dwell on the majesty of it and how much I'd love to be in that place doing that amazing thing. But I never actually strive for it or believe that it will actually happen. I know the difference between a crazy dream and reality.

Conducting is one of those big crazy dreams. When I was young there were two things I wanted to be when I grew up. One was a professional singer singing on Broadway or Opera or voicing the next little mermaid. Everyone knew about that dream. I took strides to accomplish that dream. Everyone thought that was my big dream. Really, it was second place. It was the dream I could accomplish for sure, the practical dream. In the privacy of my mind conducting was what I really thought about.

Even as a 12 year old I knew that the odds were slim that I could actually be a conductor someday, so I put it out of my mind. Or tried. It was always lurking in the back. The dream that would trump all other dreams, yet would probably never happen. Yet things started working out for that dream. It was shocking to be one of the top conductors in my classes at school. It was shocking how easily it came to me more than others around me. It was shocking when I started doing it in my internship. It was shocking that others who have a background in conducting told me I had a future, possibly a big one. Now I know I can accomplish this. Yet it's still the dream in the background. Why? It's still not practical. I need an education which I cannot afford or take time to get. I mean, who would hire me professionally with only a singing degree? I ultimately want to do orchestral conducting, but know nothing about orchestras. Even the choral side, who has job openings or would actually hire a nobody? So it's just been in the back of my mind as the future dream. I can't even say future goal as I knew these types of dreams seldom come to pass.

And then everything changed. An amazing opportunity that I never expected. My dream stepped into the practical realm. Out of no where, a job opening that I am capable of filling and have connections for. A job that would probably catapult me onto the path of my dreams. That would provide the prestige, contacts and experience I need with the possible plus of helping with schooling down the road. A job that would fit into my first goals of being a wife and mother. A job that seems to be meant for me. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened!

You see, before it was just a dream. Just something I could quietly wish for. Just something that no one would blame me for screwing up or failing to achieve. Something my heart was attached to, but not something that I could lose. You can't lose a dream. Singing was something I could do if I wanted, but had chosen to turn my back on. It was something my heart was not attached to. My heart is whole-heartedly attached to this. Obviously, my husband and children are the focus and passion of my life. However, me separate of that on top of that dreams of one other thing and only one other thing...conducting. It is something that I am determined to accomplish in my life, but was always in the future. Now it is in the now. And everything is on the line.

This job isn't even in the ethereal, safe realm of dreaming. If there were any job at any time that would give me a chance to conduct, this would be the one. I am a shoe-in. But I know from experience, things do not always work out that way. There are better conductors in town, more educated conductors. This job begs the question: If they don't choose me, who ever will?

I have never had so much on the line with one little job. It's not even my ultimate dream job, but it's a beginning, a start, a way to get into it, a real possibility. There has only been one other time in my life that I have felt so vulnerable and able to lose all. That time was when I proposed a relationship to my husband, a relationship we both knew was a intentional path towards marriage. If I had lost that, I would have always regretted it. I would have felt like I missed something, like I ruined a piece of my life. If they don't hire me, if I screw up my resume, if I do not present myself well enough, if I am not able enough, if there is someone better than me, if...I will feel the same way. I will feel like I've lost something, ruined a part of my life. After all, if this job that fits like nothing I've ever encountered will not hire me, who will......