If at first you don't succeed...ah, screw it!

Today I am still reeling. It’s funny how some of the vilest enemies are our own minds, our own insecurities. It is obvious from the way the job rejection went down that my rejection was not a personal rejection of me, but rather the job was already in their minds filled with someone else, someone probably with more schooling and experience. Yet I cannot get my own insecurities out of my mind. As I said, if they won’t hire me who will? I must be very incapable if they don’t even look at my resume. Why can’t they see what a great person I am, how accomplished and how far just a little investment in me will take them? Must be because it’s all in my mind and not real. Right? Why did I ever think I could do this?!

Then at church today I looked up on stage and saw my replacement. Yep, they hired a young intern FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!!! He is young and not completely sure he wants to be a worship director and yet they hired him for three whole years, obviously investing in his future. Why didn’t they offer that to me? Did I miss an opportunity? Am I just not good enough? Who’s investing in my future? I’ve think we’ve established this week, no one. Why am I not worth investing in? Looking up at that young man who was leading worship, playing the piano (another thing I’m lacking) and seemingly clicking with the worship pastor like I never did, it just hit me that I have been enthusiastically replaced. They won’t need me for the next three years. The place I had to leave to have my son no longer wants or needs me back. Or at least that’s what my mind is telling me. I must confess, I wasn’t able to sing about the goodness of God this morning.

The funny thing is that I know this isn’t true. I’ve had people I respect and who are knowledgeable about music and directing encourage me and tell me that I am meant for this. I know myself that my confidence in my abilities are not mistaken. I know that God has created me to do this. I know that a lot of the problem is timing.

The bigger blow was in the little voice I heard in the car. I was driving home after finding out about my big rejection and asking God why. As I was quieting down from my tirade I heard clear as day the voice of God saying, “You were too proud. You wanted this for the wrong reasons.” I’ve had this experience a few times in my life, oddly always on the topic of my future in worship ministry. There is no possible way to deny God’s voice when you hear your Creator speaking. I knew it was Him…and I knew He was right. Those visions of grandeur, applause, ownership of a choir, respect in the community and power while not so bad that they make me the next Napolean still are not the right attitude I need to succeed. Those thoughts only grow with power and probably would have caused me to fail. I know that. Still, there is nothing worse than having your Creator acknowledge that you are in the wrong…to your face…audibly. Ouch. Knowing the reason is not comforting, it’s actually the worst part of this ordeal.

But at least I know the reason or a big part of it. Where do I go from here? God knows. I certainly don’t. Do I despair? Well, I am right now. Hopefully I’ll gain confidence as the sting wears off. Do I try again? Right now I’m considering just giving up my dream altogether as sticking my neck out and then being judged not good enough is too painful. Oh well, maybe by next week I’ll be able to shrug and say, “You win some, you lose some.”