What if dreams come true?

Dreams. We all dream dreams. Some little and some big, big dreams. I dream big dreams. I have always been the type to dream big, but to live practically. For instance, I may dream about what it would be like to be a movie star or a princess. I may dwell on the majesty of it and how much I'd love to be in that place doing that amazing thing. But I never actually strive for it or believe that it will actually happen. I know the difference between a crazy dream and reality.

Conducting is one of those big crazy dreams. When I was young there were two things I wanted to be when I grew up. One was a professional singer singing on Broadway or Opera or voicing the next little mermaid. Everyone knew about that dream. I took strides to accomplish that dream. Everyone thought that was my big dream. Really, it was second place. It was the dream I could accomplish for sure, the practical dream. In the privacy of my mind conducting was what I really thought about.

Even as a 12 year old I knew that the odds were slim that I could actually be a conductor someday, so I put it out of my mind. Or tried. It was always lurking in the back. The dream that would trump all other dreams, yet would probably never happen. Yet things started working out for that dream. It was shocking to be one of the top conductors in my classes at school. It was shocking how easily it came to me more than others around me. It was shocking when I started doing it in my internship. It was shocking that others who have a background in conducting told me I had a future, possibly a big one. Now I know I can accomplish this. Yet it's still the dream in the background. Why? It's still not practical. I need an education which I cannot afford or take time to get. I mean, who would hire me professionally with only a singing degree? I ultimately want to do orchestral conducting, but know nothing about orchestras. Even the choral side, who has job openings or would actually hire a nobody? So it's just been in the back of my mind as the future dream. I can't even say future goal as I knew these types of dreams seldom come to pass.

And then everything changed. An amazing opportunity that I never expected. My dream stepped into the practical realm. Out of no where, a job opening that I am capable of filling and have connections for. A job that would probably catapult me onto the path of my dreams. That would provide the prestige, contacts and experience I need with the possible plus of helping with schooling down the road. A job that would fit into my first goals of being a wife and mother. A job that seems to be meant for me. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened!

You see, before it was just a dream. Just something I could quietly wish for. Just something that no one would blame me for screwing up or failing to achieve. Something my heart was attached to, but not something that I could lose. You can't lose a dream. Singing was something I could do if I wanted, but had chosen to turn my back on. It was something my heart was not attached to. My heart is whole-heartedly attached to this. Obviously, my husband and children are the focus and passion of my life. However, me separate of that on top of that dreams of one other thing and only one other thing...conducting. It is something that I am determined to accomplish in my life, but was always in the future. Now it is in the now. And everything is on the line.

This job isn't even in the ethereal, safe realm of dreaming. If there were any job at any time that would give me a chance to conduct, this would be the one. I am a shoe-in. But I know from experience, things do not always work out that way. There are better conductors in town, more educated conductors. This job begs the question: If they don't choose me, who ever will?

I have never had so much on the line with one little job. It's not even my ultimate dream job, but it's a beginning, a start, a way to get into it, a real possibility. There has only been one other time in my life that I have felt so vulnerable and able to lose all. That time was when I proposed a relationship to my husband, a relationship we both knew was a intentional path towards marriage. If I had lost that, I would have always regretted it. I would have felt like I missed something, like I ruined a piece of my life. If they don't hire me, if I screw up my resume, if I do not present myself well enough, if I am not able enough, if there is someone better than me, if...I will feel the same way. I will feel like I've lost something, ruined a part of my life. After all, if this job that fits like nothing I've ever encountered will not hire me, who will......