Changes, Changes, and (yep) More Changes!

So let's just recap the changes I've had so far this year. It's about two months in and I have taken over conducting my kids choir and am in charge of their entire program this spring. My husband and I are looking at working in a professional capacity at a church. There's a big change right there we weren't expecting anytime soon! I got a new job and am getting used to not being a bum anymore. I've had to change my schedule completely due to said job. I'm looking at moving in the next few months and even buying a house. Now, you say, what else could possibly change? At least that was what I was saying. Well, I'm pregnant. That's not exactly a tiny change. Funny how you can be trying and still be completely taken by surprise when it actually happens. I guess they do say that it happens when you least expect it.

What's taken me by surprise the most is not the uncertain future of pregnancy or the fact that I'm pregnant, but the effect it's having on me here and now a measily five weeks in. I'm barely pregnant and my life has already changed drastically because of it. My stamina is cut about in half, I need to eat twice as much, I need to drink about twice as much, I need to cut my caffeine in half, I spend most of my life going to the bathroom yet again and, for the first time in my life, I can finally faint like Scarlett O'Hara. After only five weeks! My schedule is completely shot. Every Sunday morning I get up at the crack of dawn to get to the church around dawn and don't end up eating breakfast since food does not sound good that early in the morning. Then I conduct/sing through one rehearsal and two services, sometimes getting a snack but sometimes not, and I'm perfectly fine. Not anymore. Let's just say I was physically done half way through the rehearsal and almost fainted during the service. That would have been a funny scene. The conductor falling in a heap on the floor in the middle of "You're My All in All." I just cannot do what I used to do and it is monumentally frustrating!

Some things still coming up that there's no way I will physically be able to do:
Second service
Two kids choir rehearsals tonight
Conducting again next Sunday
The second half of all future rehearsals
Teaching and conducting all Palm Sunday music
Preparing for Palm Sunday music

Oh, and I saved the best for last! Conducting the entire Easter service three times back to back without a break. And I might even have actual morning sickness by that point and be throwing up. Maybe I should just keep a trash can next to my music stand?! Or run off periodically and tell they congregation we're in intermission?

Oh Lord, help!

Church Meeting Update

Well, I am now a busy, busy lady which is the making for not only fewer blogs, but possibly shorter. Yes, I hear the celebration over the death of my long-windedness. Today I just have a short update. We had our meeting with the transition team (temporary elder board) on Thursday night, which for those of you who have the gall not to read all of my blogs is the church that is condering hiring us as youth pastor and music director. It is still in the get-to-know-you phase and they will probably not talk serious business for several more weeks. However, the meeting went very well and we seemed to impress the transition team. We don't seem to be what they're looking for, but rather what they never dreamed they could have. Apparently, they've had a lot of youth pastors with uninvolved wives who won't move into the area and only stay a year. We got a roar of approval for every one of those things that we said we would do. So we will see. And I am off to get stuff done in my now limited free time. I know everyone else is grieving as much as I am over how short this blog is. It's shameful.

The end of my world as I know it...

I am the whiniest, most ungrateful person in the whole world! I got the job. I actually spent all day Friday crying over it (yes, crying), because I was so not ready to give up my jobless status. Sigh. Eventually resignation set in and I set off to my first day on Monday generally cheerful. It actually went pretty well. I work with two wonderful people, I work in a Christian atmosphere where I actually feel like I can be myself, I like the work ok, and I have a sweet office complete with a door and pretty cherry furniture. As long as I don't think about the 25 hours I'm putting in at the church, 10 hours of driving time (2 hrs/day x 5 days), the 30 hours I'm putting in at work now, the loads of housework, and the new inability to hang out with friends because I now have no free time, I can not freak out and almost enjoy working again. I am trying not to think about how much more time I will spend on church stuff if I get the worship director job and how in the world I'm going to add that in to everything. Or about the fact that I am now making a whopping $40 more a week than I was doing nothing on unemployment.

See, I'm the whiniest girl in the world. So all in all, it's a bittersweet job announcement. If you only think about the job than I have a great new job where I'm learning a lot and have the ability to make all sorts of good connections for our future. It may even help us move closer. But if you look at my life as a whole, I'm just trusting that God knows what He's doing and trying to take one day at a time. "Overwhelmed!" is the word that has been running through my head all weekend. We meet with the church board on Thursday and I will have more information than. I have to admit, if I don't get the church job, than this new job I have is a hinderance not a help and I will basically be very screwed money and insurance wise. I'm just going to trust that God knows what He's doing.

God, you have GOT to be kidding me!

Duty. That's an ugly word today. The situation started out pretty exciting. The pastor of the church we're looking into working at found some secondary work for us at their church association offices. Confusing, I know. From the sound of it, it seemed like the perfect job for my husband. His job has slowly been going to you-know-where in a handbasket. I had actually spent the last several days praying for a new situation for him, since the church probably won't be able to support him fully. I was so excited! What an answer to prayer! He was pretty darn excited, too.

Then we got the job description. Sigh. So very much not up his alley. Even worse, it was up mine. At least, work experience wise. I have just gotten out of two-and-a-half years of office hell. I've never liked working in an office environment and was especially miserable in that terrible job. That was a big part of this church opportunity being an answer to my prayers. My own schedule and no stupid secretarial/admin assistant job!

I desperately, terribly, whole-heartedly do not want this job. But it would be stupid not to take it. I'd be good at it. It is only 30 hours a week which is better than 40 and the pay is at the top of what I was looking for. It would help us financially and maybe help us buy a house. This time it would even be in a "Christian" workplace! What an amazing opportunity right? Yeah, I desperately, terribly, whole-heartedly do not want this job.

I do not believe that God is cruel or the type that would get your hopes up for nothing. So why in the world am I back in this situation that I just thought I'd escaped? Why is it that I don't feel a particular leading in this? If I felt a big no, I would have such relief. If I felt like this was meant to be, I would resign myself and have peace. Instead, my interview tomorrow has a strong resemblence to one of those super intrusive dentist appointments.

So, as a woman who's God has never led me wrong before, I am going to go to that interview tomorrow. I am going to pray a lot. I am going to trust God to handle this situation. I am going to trust that if I get this job, it will not be the end of the world like my emotions are telling me. And I am going to try my darnedest not to whine the whole way. Yeah, not being real successful with the whining so far. Will keep you updated on the rest.

A Flawed Hero

"Ms. Grace, I love you and I'm so glad that you are my teacher!" The cutest words from the cutest little girl. A little girl who was distant in the beginning and sometimes difficult to work with. Imagine my heart when I heard those words come out of her mouth.

It was short lived. She followed that cute little innocuous phrase with, "Ms. Grace I want to be just like you! I love your hair! I tried to part my hair just like yours, but it didn't work. I wish my hair was just like yours. Ms. Grace..." And so it has continued for the past few weeks. Rather than spend her break time with the other children in the gym, she'd rather hang out with me, waxing poetic about my "perfections".

Now, I am a little used to this phenomenom of hero worship since my only sister is nine years younger. It was always terrifying knowing that anything I said or did would have a magnified impact on her impressionable mind. However, possibily messing up your little sister is nothing compared to having that sort of sway with a stranger's daughter. My sister sees my mistakes on a daily basis and I know that she will forgive me and learn someday that I am not perfect. This young girl will have very little contact with me, so I must be sure to live above reproach in her eyes. She is of that tender age where she is just starting to reach beyond her parents for role models. What's worse, she is especially taken with my appearance and style, the last things a second grader need worry about.

What message do I send if I wear that almost-too-low-cut shirt to church? What does she think of her hero when I lose my temper with the choir or brush her off when I'm busy? Does she ever see me at church with a bad attitude during worship or talking during the service? If I were to continue talking with her about style and encourage her to try to be pretty, will that continue to be the misguided focus of her young years?

"Oh but honey, you're hair is so beautiful! Much prettier than mine. You should part it so it looks good on you, not me. I don't think you need to change anything. You are much prettier than me just as you are." Hopefully those words averted this crisis, but I will have to be wise in my dealings from now on. I have sixty-five little eyes on me that see more than I had expected. I pray that I can be half the hero they expect.

On a lighter note, at least I have one child in my choir that thinks everything I say is divine. Something possessed me to explain to her and her little sister why little sis shouldn't be spinning around the gym when she had an ear infection and why that made her abnormally sick. I am no expert on the inner ear and I was dillusional to expect a second grader and kindergartener to understand the complicated workings of the body. Yet, she made her sister stand still during my five minute lecture and afterwards told me in her most serious voice, "Thank you Ms. Grace for telling us that. You are right. That makes sense. I will make sure my sister doesn't spin anymore." and walked away on her best behavior. If only the other sixty-four kids believed I was always right and to be revered! :)

The White Picket Fence

I was never the girl who dreamed of the white picket fence. I was not the girl who wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Nor was I that girl who dwelled in the world of food, decor, and artsy things to do about the house.

After six years of daycare in my house (my mother's career), I decided that kids were hideous and they were not to occur until I was in my thirties at the very earliest. During my Nellie McKay period in college, I was well known as a man-hater (mind you, not a women-lover, just man-hater)and decided the single life was for me. Did I want to get married someday and have a family? Yeah sometimes. But I had much bigger dreams than that. I was never defined as the homemaker wannabe.

How is it that in just three short years things have done such a 180? I'm married. I'm dreaming of the little pitter patter of feet. I'm looking into a house complete with white picket fence. And worst, now all of a sudden I want a dog. I hate dogs! What is wrong with me?!

Even though I know God has changed my life for the better, I still often feel like a sellout. I mean, I had big and very "holy" plans. I was going to be a missionary in some exotic country embracing a sacrificial life of singleness! It sounds especially immature and crazy when said like that, but I was very sure that this was God's plan for my life and I was dedicated to see it come to fruition. I think sometimes God lets us come up with these hair-brained schemes of ours (and even applauds them for a time) in order to get us one step closer to what He really wants and to let us fail in order to see the truth. At least, that's how it happened in my life.

I used to have little respect for the people who just settled down to the wifey business, not fulfilling their true potential or following their dreams. Yet, here I stand married like those poor saps and incredibly happy just like they are. I think God has a sense of humor when it comes to His plans.

Then again, the ultimate dog hater herself who believes in the systematic extermination of all little yappy dogs has been pining away for an Australian Shepherd puppy for several weeks now. Maybe I did go a little crazy in the head.

The 47th State

For the record, let me just make this really clear.

New Mexico is a state, NOT a country!

Here is how a typical introductory conversation with me goes.

Idiot: "Are you originally from Colorado?"
Me: "No, I moved here when I was ten. I'm originally from New Mexico."
Idiot: (look of surprise and admiration) "Wow! What was it like moving to America?"
or
Idiot: (with look of confusion) "So do you have duel citizenship?"
or
Idiot: (more confusion) "Oh, so you speak Spanish?"
or worst
Idiot: (look of perfect understanding) "Your parents must have been missionaries down there."

Sigh. For those of you who failed to learn anything about your country, much less ever look at a map, New Mexico is a state in the United States of America, which is the country that you live in. By the way, the USA (United States of America (remember, that country you live in)) is located on the planet earth, which is also where you live.

I can almost understand people out east asking me this question, however I have gotten this response from an alarming number of Coloradans. I mean, it's only their southern border state. How is it possible that so many people can be soooo ignorant?! For those of you stupid Coloradans on your way to vacation in a Mexican paradise, all you have to do is cross the southern state line. Really. Just make sure you go through the border patrols before you hit Pueblo.

Family in the Ministry?

Yes, I know. Two blogs in one day. Tsk, tsk. My defense is that I have missed several blogging days that I need to make up. The truth is that my previous blog got me thinking on a whole separate topic.

So what about family in the ministry? We've all seen those preacher's kids who seem to go crazy on reaching adolesence and adulthood. We've seen those missionary's kids who turn away from their faith forever. We've seen the bitterness they have for their parents. We've seen the men who cheat on their wives with some cute girl in the youth group. We've seen marriages of the great and "godly" desolve. Can kids be brought up successfully by parents in the ministry? Can marriages survive the ministry?

These questions have haunted me since I met that husband of mine who was determined to go into the ministry. I was brought up in the ministry, so to speak. From the time I was six until I was twelve, my parents worked as houseparents at a Christian children's home. We had between six and twelve troubled teenagers living in our house pretty much 24/7. The plus was that I had lots of older brothers and sisters, some of which I adored. I also learned how to relate to people from the lowliest walks of life (they were my siblings after all) and learned from their many mistakes. However, part of the reason that I was so bonded with them is because I felt like one of them. They didn't have parents around. I didn't have my parents around either. For six years, I gave up my parents for those kids. My parents weren't just absent physically, but emotionally and mentally. I felt very abandoned. For years after we left, I hated my parents for making me feel like one of those teens. You see, it doesn't matter if parents in ministry are abandoning their kids for a good cause. It's still abandonment.

As we are now looking not only at going into the ministry very soon, but also starting to have children, this topic is really on my mind. As I told my husband when we were dating, I CANNOT DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN! I cannot say it emphatically enough. The sad thing is that to some extent, I probably will. In fact, I already have trouble putting the ministry before my husband. I get caught up in my work and forget to look into his needs. I see a need before me and feel the desire to take the time to help that person, forgetting the husband who is waiting on me yet again. My husband is very understanding, but what havoc will this eventually wreck on our marriage? What will my young, non-understanding children feel like if I do this to them? What will my children and I feel like when my husband misses yet another night/day/week with us?

For once, I am at a complete loss. I can think about things that I could do better or that I wish my parents would have done, but ultimately I have no idea what this sort of family would look like. What does it take to make your spouse and kids number one? How much time, love, energy? There is no fiddling around with this and I dare not just experiment. Besides my God, my husband and children are the most important things in my life. How can I effectively do the ministry that I am called to do and still be there for them? That is the one big humdinger of a question.

Updates and Thoughts on Ministry

First, I feel the need for some updates on previous posts. Our kids choir rehearsal on Sunday actually went very well. They have been behind, but were all caught up on Sunday. They all behaved surprisingly well. Could it be that I told them we were going to hand out parts, but we couldn't until we got everything done? Maybe, but honestly larger threats/bribes have proved ineffective before. I was just so encouraged that we were caught up. Phew! I might not be a failure after all! :)

We also had our meeting yesterday with the aforementioned pastor. The meeting went very well, although nothing was really decided. On the bright side, the job has the capacity of being more than we had hoped. They have a youth ministry position for my husband, a music ministry one for me, and lots of other work besides. They were also hoping to not only be able to financially support one or both of us full-time, but to help us move down into the area. Wow. Not sure if that will actually work out, but the fact that it is even a possibility and that they are committed to helping our financial situation is really comforting. We will hopefully know in the next ten days, which realistically can probably be translated into three months. We both feel an uncanny peace about this though, as if it's going to happen. It's in God's hands though. Cliche? Yes, but true.

I always expected that when the time came to get a job for the ministry my husband would be done with school, we would be in our thirties, and we would have lots of time to prepare. And here we are at 25/26 looking at a real job possibility. Wow. I feel way too young and inexperienced for this as a whole, but capable and ready for the actual tasks.

I found it ironic that our pastor preached on the appropriate use of power/authority in our lives this week as we're looking at jumping into powerful positions that will help make a church. It has really gotten me thinking. Whether we join this ministry or another down the road, we will be in great positions to work for God or for Satan in our church. I have been in a church where I can honestly say Satan was at work. That experience made me turn my back on my calling. Other teens my age left the church forever and some will be scarred for life. My husband and I cannot let that happen in our church. What an awesome, fearsome responsibility!

So, I suppose throughout this blogging experience (my future) I need to be asking the following questions. Am I using my power correctly or am I abusing it? Am I being a good example (especially to the teens) or am I adding strongholds for Satan into their lives? Am I living authentically or am I acting every week? Do I really love God or do I just love this job? Why am I doing this? Is it for the applause of men, for power, for enjoyment, to feel holy? What are the right reasons? Am I teaching truth or lies? Am I living truth or lies? Am I encouraging people or turning them away empty? What are God's plans and am I following them or my own? Am I sacrificing my family for the ministry? Am I prideful, hateful, selfish, looking for sin? Am I watching out for my husband and being an encourager, not a nag? Are we both watching out for the sins that creep in and destroy? So many questions. So much responsibility! It is amazing how something can feel so right, how you can feel so at peace about something, and yet feel so terrified.