When a baby happens, nothing else does. Just getting through the first (all three) trimesters of a pregnancy takes all of you. There is a tiny bit left at the end of the day. Just a sprinkling of attention for your baby, a quick kiss for your hubby, a tiny little burst of energy some days to even cook dinner, followed by a few short hours before you go to bed early. This is sadly just the way life is for a pregnant mom. A life full of sitting on the couch trying not to be sick, trying desperately not to fall asleep while the toddler is awake, trying to find energy to feed your family and yourself, basically just trying and rarely succeeding.
Which begs the question, what happens to all of the things that a mom is supposed to be doing that are not included in this list? Well, my house is a wreck…and I do mean in a biohazardly way. The daily chores that must be done such as dishes are done by my loving, yet tired husband. My son learns how to play with himself or brings games to wherever mommy is plopped. We pay for everyone else to make us food. I am lucky to show up at church or to mutter a quick prayer for mercy and Bible reading becomes a rare luxury.
To some extent, this is just what happens when you’re pregnant. Nothing you can do about it. But there does come a day where you need to stand up and fight for your family regardless of how crappy you feel. I feel like that day came and went a long time ago in my house. My poor family is still struggling along without me and we’re just at week 15!
As my energy starts slowly coming back, I’ve found myself constantly convicted in a new way about disciplines I am lacking. In one short week, I’ve been hit by the following long list:
1. Procrastination. I am the queen of it. This procrastination has digressed into 30 days late on bills and a depression that would rather watch a show than face the overwhelming list of things I’m holding off till later.
2. Motherhood. I’ve found myself spending my days trying to distract from life and demanding that my precious child leave me alone while I indulge. I can’t remember the last time I’ve read him a book. I have some pretty good excuses, but when it comes to your child…no excuse is good enough.
3. Laziness and Whining. These go hand in hand because they both desperately affect my husband. Again, I feel miserable. I have constant reasons to sit in misery and whine about my plot. Does that mean that my husband likes coming home night after night to a cold kitchen, sink full of dishes and a whiny wife? Right
now, my husband is doing his job and mine. That’s ok for a little while in the
crisis of pregnancy, but it’s time I took my job back and started caring for
him instead.
4. Where is God at? Boy have I been hit left and right with spiritual convictions this week! The reason is that my life is full of bad actions, but it’s not really the actions that I need to address. The root of the problem is my heart. There are no godly thoughts in my heart. God seems to be at the bottom of my list these days. How can I fix my life when I’m still a broken mess myself?
5. Worship. I got dragged (kicking and screaming)to an international kid’s choir performance this week. I was put to shame. Here were these kids 5-15 years of age who stood up there and worshiped like I haven’t in years. When was the last time I cared enough to worship God?
6. Music. There are always little indulgences that you have in your life that you swear you’ll give up once you have kids. You know they aren’t good for you and you certainly don’t want your kids exposed to them, but you’ll just indulge in them for now. Except once you have a kid, you realize that they’re too young at first to understand, so you keep it up. The first months turn into the first years and excuses keep coming. For me, this was music. I have a love for the radio. My musical tastes do not include the amateur world of Christian music and I deplore the Christian radio stations. So I listen to the “better” stuff filled with crap on the radio. My son loves it, too! Rap songs, rock songs, anything with a beat. He jams and sings along in the back seat. Seems like such a little thing right? Yet what sort of example am I setting for him? I listened to a dear friend’s teenage daughter this week go on and on about her hero Lady Gaga and other less than classy influences. I saw the way it affected her attitude, made her open to the message they were singing, how it shaped her world view. I might sound like a crazy conservative(goodness, I feel like an old lady conservative right now!), but it all became clear. It hit me the consequences of such a tiny indulgence. Do I really think it appropriate for my young son to grow up hearing about oral sex, drugs, violence, disrespect of woman, casual sex, all of the things that our family stands against? Everything that stands against the family. It’s not appropriate and my dial has sadly stayed on the Christian station ever since. Funny thingis, I’ve actually enjoyed it a lot more than I thought.
Well, that is my long winded confession. Needless to say, it’s been quite a week. The amazing thing about convictions is that they often come with the breath of God giving energy, hope, love, and a small voice that leads from depression over the bad to a remembrance of who you are in Him. In other words, I feel liberated from my depression over my failures; my extreme tiredness; my loveless heart; my lazy mind; my wicked soul; and instead feel ready to start conquering this list. Is life all better now? Ha. Still feeling ick; have a little more energy, but still tire easily; still give in to the tv or radio every now and then; still struggling. But this time I know what I’m fighting and I know that I can win. All I can say is a deep heartfelt “Thank you God!” I certainly couldn’t have gotten up off my butt on my own.
July…come quickly please!
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