When are they going to come up with a nanny robot? I have been giving voice lessons for a while and have found them to be a spectacular way to make a living. There is little prep and I make twice as much per hour as I would with any other job. Oh and I love it! There's only one problem. Each student takes an hour of my undivided attention. Hard to do with a baby around. So far I've worked it around his naps or he'll play nicely while I work. However, as he ages this will get harder. When we add another kid this might become impossible. I'd love to go fulltime, but that would take hiring someone which makes the money not quite worth it. You know what would solve my problem? A nanny robot!!!! A one time payment to fulfill hours of babysitting needs! Maybe I just need to invent one.
In other voice studio news, I am getting my second full hour student (the full hour ones are not only the ones that pay, but the serious students so they're the ones I'm aiming for). This little guy is 13 and will be my first male student. I don't know very much yet about teaching guys. Add to that interesting complications with adolescent voice changes and...this will be interesting. But I'm looking forward to it! Wish I had more readers so I could get suggestions. :)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
If at first you don't succeed...ah, screw it!
Today I am still reeling. It’s funny how some of the vilest enemies are our own minds, our own insecurities. It is obvious from the way the job rejection went down that my rejection was not a personal rejection of me, but rather the job was already in their minds filled with someone else, someone probably with more schooling and experience. Yet I cannot get my own insecurities out of my mind. As I said, if they won’t hire me who will? I must be very incapable if they don’t even look at my resume. Why can’t they see what a great person I am, how accomplished and how far just a little investment in me will take them? Must be because it’s all in my mind and not real. Right? Why did I ever think I could do this?!
Then at church today I looked up on stage and saw my replacement. Yep, they hired a young intern FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!!! He is young and not completely sure he wants to be a worship director and yet they hired him for three whole years, obviously investing in his future. Why didn’t they offer that to me? Did I miss an opportunity? Am I just not good enough? Who’s investing in my future? I’ve think we’ve established this week, no one. Why am I not worth investing in? Looking up at that young man who was leading worship, playing the piano (another thing I’m lacking) and seemingly clicking with the worship pastor like I never did, it just hit me that I have been enthusiastically replaced. They won’t need me for the next three years. The place I had to leave to have my son no longer wants or needs me back. Or at least that’s what my mind is telling me. I must confess, I wasn’t able to sing about the goodness of God this morning.
The funny thing is that I know this isn’t true. I’ve had people I respect and who are knowledgeable about music and directing encourage me and tell me that I am meant for this. I know myself that my confidence in my abilities are not mistaken. I know that God has created me to do this. I know that a lot of the problem is timing.
The bigger blow was in the little voice I heard in the car. I was driving home after finding out about my big rejection and asking God why. As I was quieting down from my tirade I heard clear as day the voice of God saying, “You were too proud. You wanted this for the wrong reasons.” I’ve had this experience a few times in my life, oddly always on the topic of my future in worship ministry. There is no possible way to deny God’s voice when you hear your Creator speaking. I knew it was Him…and I knew He was right. Those visions of grandeur, applause, ownership of a choir, respect in the community and power while not so bad that they make me the next Napolean still are not the right attitude I need to succeed. Those thoughts only grow with power and probably would have caused me to fail. I know that. Still, there is nothing worse than having your Creator acknowledge that you are in the wrong…to your face…audibly. Ouch. Knowing the reason is not comforting, it’s actually the worst part of this ordeal.
But at least I know the reason or a big part of it. Where do I go from here? God knows. I certainly don’t. Do I despair? Well, I am right now. Hopefully I’ll gain confidence as the sting wears off. Do I try again? Right now I’m considering just giving up my dream altogether as sticking my neck out and then being judged not good enough is too painful. Oh well, maybe by next week I’ll be able to shrug and say, “You win some, you lose some.”
Then at church today I looked up on stage and saw my replacement. Yep, they hired a young intern FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!!! He is young and not completely sure he wants to be a worship director and yet they hired him for three whole years, obviously investing in his future. Why didn’t they offer that to me? Did I miss an opportunity? Am I just not good enough? Who’s investing in my future? I’ve think we’ve established this week, no one. Why am I not worth investing in? Looking up at that young man who was leading worship, playing the piano (another thing I’m lacking) and seemingly clicking with the worship pastor like I never did, it just hit me that I have been enthusiastically replaced. They won’t need me for the next three years. The place I had to leave to have my son no longer wants or needs me back. Or at least that’s what my mind is telling me. I must confess, I wasn’t able to sing about the goodness of God this morning.
The funny thing is that I know this isn’t true. I’ve had people I respect and who are knowledgeable about music and directing encourage me and tell me that I am meant for this. I know myself that my confidence in my abilities are not mistaken. I know that God has created me to do this. I know that a lot of the problem is timing.
The bigger blow was in the little voice I heard in the car. I was driving home after finding out about my big rejection and asking God why. As I was quieting down from my tirade I heard clear as day the voice of God saying, “You were too proud. You wanted this for the wrong reasons.” I’ve had this experience a few times in my life, oddly always on the topic of my future in worship ministry. There is no possible way to deny God’s voice when you hear your Creator speaking. I knew it was Him…and I knew He was right. Those visions of grandeur, applause, ownership of a choir, respect in the community and power while not so bad that they make me the next Napolean still are not the right attitude I need to succeed. Those thoughts only grow with power and probably would have caused me to fail. I know that. Still, there is nothing worse than having your Creator acknowledge that you are in the wrong…to your face…audibly. Ouch. Knowing the reason is not comforting, it’s actually the worst part of this ordeal.
But at least I know the reason or a big part of it. Where do I go from here? God knows. I certainly don’t. Do I despair? Well, I am right now. Hopefully I’ll gain confidence as the sting wears off. Do I try again? Right now I’m considering just giving up my dream altogether as sticking my neck out and then being judged not good enough is too painful. Oh well, maybe by next week I’ll be able to shrug and say, “You win some, you lose some.”
Thursday, June 23, 2011
That was a little too fast...
Heard back from the conducting dream job. They were nice enough to tell me that they got my resume and sweetly added that they aren't auditioning anymore candidates at this time. Can't help but think that it's because I didn't get it in early like I wanted to. Can't help but be a little mad at the people who were reviewing my resume and made me wait 10 days. Can't help but wonder if their lack of enthusiasm is because they knew I couldn't do it (they would know, too). Can't help but wonder if I'm just not good enough. Sigh. I know none of those trails will lead me anywhere which leaves me with two things that I know to be true. It wasn't God's will for me, it just wasn't. And, this really sucks...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
How Many Non-Christians Do Christians Know?
One of the benefits of working for a Christian organization is that part of my job is reading interesting articles. I got a very thought provoking one today. The article covered many points, but the one that stuck out to me is the church’s failure to reach out is not necessarily through failure in the church programs, but in the individual’s failure to live outside of the church. Christians have a tendency to spend a lot of time at the church or with churchy people. There are two ways we typically evangelize. One is through relationships, however if you don’t know or spend any time with non-Christians how do you build relationships? That leaves the second type…evangelizing strangers. I am a Christian and I have been offended time and again by the door to door knockers, hateful street preachers, and childish hellfire pamphlets I have received. I’ve always been appalled at what people who are “not in the club” might think. In my book, that is just not an acceptable way to reach people…ok, it’s the worst possible way to reach people.
So how do we as a church fulfill Jesus’ to-do list of introducing Him around and helping to change lives? I believe it’s mostly through relationships. In fact, I’ve seen it happen myself. I have a friend who I met and instantly clicked with. However, she and her husband were not Christians. I spent a lot of time praying for them, but honestly I spent more time getting to know her and having fun with her. We have talked about the specifics of religion maybe once. I’m not the person she needs to hear it from, I’m the person that she enjoys spending time with, that tries (and fails a lot) to model Christ’s changes in my heart, and who tries to be there practically for her both as a friend and as an obligated slave of Christ reaching out to someone who needs something (sometimes easy and sometimes…not). She and her husband are Christians today and are raising their child to love Jesus. I honestly didn’t have a lot to do with that. I just did what Christ did. I reached out and loved. I enjoy her. Our friendship was never based around her coming to salvation and me adding another tick on my list of people I’ve “saved.” She is like a sister to me and now I just happen to be lucky enough to have her as a sister in Christ. Seeking out a relationship rather than seeking out a salvation has been pretty effective for me.
That long story said, I felt pretty good about myself. Then I thought about it. How many other non-Christian friends do I have…? Umm…. I’m reaching here. Surely I have more?! Nope, not really. Oh sure, I have excuses. I work at mainly Christian workplaces so I don’t really meet people at work. That’s a pretty good excuse, yet…I have a feeling not good enough. I’m reaching out to other really hurting Christians. Doesn’t that count? Not quite.
Maybe I need to make a greater effort to get outside of my Christian bubble. I have nothing against non-Christians, but I just never meet them. Yeah, that’s a bad excuse. Should I be knocking door to door or meeting neighbors just to bring them to Christ? Heck no! But maybe I can be more intentional about placing myself in situations to be more “in the world.” Maybe I can find a way to work in the secular realm. Maybe I need to join secular mom play groups, not MOPS. Maybe this new job will work out and I’ll be doing music in the community rather than at a church. All in all, a lot to think about.
So how do we as a church fulfill Jesus’ to-do list of introducing Him around and helping to change lives? I believe it’s mostly through relationships. In fact, I’ve seen it happen myself. I have a friend who I met and instantly clicked with. However, she and her husband were not Christians. I spent a lot of time praying for them, but honestly I spent more time getting to know her and having fun with her. We have talked about the specifics of religion maybe once. I’m not the person she needs to hear it from, I’m the person that she enjoys spending time with, that tries (and fails a lot) to model Christ’s changes in my heart, and who tries to be there practically for her both as a friend and as an obligated slave of Christ reaching out to someone who needs something (sometimes easy and sometimes…not). She and her husband are Christians today and are raising their child to love Jesus. I honestly didn’t have a lot to do with that. I just did what Christ did. I reached out and loved. I enjoy her. Our friendship was never based around her coming to salvation and me adding another tick on my list of people I’ve “saved.” She is like a sister to me and now I just happen to be lucky enough to have her as a sister in Christ. Seeking out a relationship rather than seeking out a salvation has been pretty effective for me.
That long story said, I felt pretty good about myself. Then I thought about it. How many other non-Christian friends do I have…? Umm…. I’m reaching here. Surely I have more?! Nope, not really. Oh sure, I have excuses. I work at mainly Christian workplaces so I don’t really meet people at work. That’s a pretty good excuse, yet…I have a feeling not good enough. I’m reaching out to other really hurting Christians. Doesn’t that count? Not quite.
Maybe I need to make a greater effort to get outside of my Christian bubble. I have nothing against non-Christians, but I just never meet them. Yeah, that’s a bad excuse. Should I be knocking door to door or meeting neighbors just to bring them to Christ? Heck no! But maybe I can be more intentional about placing myself in situations to be more “in the world.” Maybe I can find a way to work in the secular realm. Maybe I need to join secular mom play groups, not MOPS. Maybe this new job will work out and I’ll be doing music in the community rather than at a church. All in all, a lot to think about.
The Perfect Blogger...What Planet Are You From?!
What do moms have time for? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Wait, sometimes I get lunch, every once in a while close to an accepted lunch time, and a few times even hot! What I want to know is how most of my mom friends have time to write blogs? And they don't just write long winded, selfish drivel with no point like I do. No, I have read blog after blog on baking cakes, sewing, couponing your way to financial freedom, organization (what is that?), making your home magazine worthy, and perfect parenting. I can't help but hope the truth is these moms have messy houses, spoiled brats for kids, and their only comfort in life is staying up till 2:00 a.m. writing a fairy tale on their blog.
In an effort to appear perfect to my large blog audience, I've made a mid-year's resolution to blog more. I did start this blog with great intentions, to keep up with friends. Admittedly, it has turned into a good place to "discuss" (aka talk to myself) about my deep thoughts. The good news is I barely have time to pee anymore much less think big thoughts. So there's a slight chance I might be able to get this blog back on track. Maybe my house cleaning will become motivated and follow suit. :)
Now for a topic...Hmm... I'm a terrible baker. I do know a lot about kids, but who listens to a first time mom with a baby merely 7 months old? My only hobby is reading, but I HATE reading book reviews so why write them? I am a whiz at craigslist (seriously, I could change your life), but I don't think I can give instructions as this gift is not a skill but merely a blessing from the gods. So I will do what every other blogger does. I'll pour my heart out in a public blog and hope that someday I can find a purpose for my meaningless drivel.
Here's to blogging mainly because everyone else is doing it! I'm telling you, these days to be a good wife, mother, and homemaker...you just have to blog.
In an effort to appear perfect to my large blog audience, I've made a mid-year's resolution to blog more. I did start this blog with great intentions, to keep up with friends. Admittedly, it has turned into a good place to "discuss" (aka talk to myself) about my deep thoughts. The good news is I barely have time to pee anymore much less think big thoughts. So there's a slight chance I might be able to get this blog back on track. Maybe my house cleaning will become motivated and follow suit. :)
Now for a topic...Hmm... I'm a terrible baker. I do know a lot about kids, but who listens to a first time mom with a baby merely 7 months old? My only hobby is reading, but I HATE reading book reviews so why write them? I am a whiz at craigslist (seriously, I could change your life), but I don't think I can give instructions as this gift is not a skill but merely a blessing from the gods. So I will do what every other blogger does. I'll pour my heart out in a public blog and hope that someday I can find a purpose for my meaningless drivel.
Here's to blogging mainly because everyone else is doing it! I'm telling you, these days to be a good wife, mother, and homemaker...you just have to blog.
Monday, June 20, 2011
What if dreams come true?
Dreams. We all dream dreams. Some little and some big, big dreams. I dream big dreams. I have always been the type to dream big, but to live practically. For instance, I may dream about what it would be like to be a movie star or a princess. I may dwell on the majesty of it and how much I'd love to be in that place doing that amazing thing. But I never actually strive for it or believe that it will actually happen. I know the difference between a crazy dream and reality.
Conducting is one of those big crazy dreams. When I was young there were two things I wanted to be when I grew up. One was a professional singer singing on Broadway or Opera or voicing the next little mermaid. Everyone knew about that dream. I took strides to accomplish that dream. Everyone thought that was my big dream. Really, it was second place. It was the dream I could accomplish for sure, the practical dream. In the privacy of my mind conducting was what I really thought about.
Even as a 12 year old I knew that the odds were slim that I could actually be a conductor someday, so I put it out of my mind. Or tried. It was always lurking in the back. The dream that would trump all other dreams, yet would probably never happen. Yet things started working out for that dream. It was shocking to be one of the top conductors in my classes at school. It was shocking how easily it came to me more than others around me. It was shocking when I started doing it in my internship. It was shocking that others who have a background in conducting told me I had a future, possibly a big one. Now I know I can accomplish this. Yet it's still the dream in the background. Why? It's still not practical. I need an education which I cannot afford or take time to get. I mean, who would hire me professionally with only a singing degree? I ultimately want to do orchestral conducting, but know nothing about orchestras. Even the choral side, who has job openings or would actually hire a nobody? So it's just been in the back of my mind as the future dream. I can't even say future goal as I knew these types of dreams seldom come to pass.
And then everything changed. An amazing opportunity that I never expected. My dream stepped into the practical realm. Out of no where, a job opening that I am capable of filling and have connections for. A job that would probably catapult me onto the path of my dreams. That would provide the prestige, contacts and experience I need with the possible plus of helping with schooling down the road. A job that would fit into my first goals of being a wife and mother. A job that seems to be meant for me. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened!
You see, before it was just a dream. Just something I could quietly wish for. Just something that no one would blame me for screwing up or failing to achieve. Something my heart was attached to, but not something that I could lose. You can't lose a dream. Singing was something I could do if I wanted, but had chosen to turn my back on. It was something my heart was not attached to. My heart is whole-heartedly attached to this. Obviously, my husband and children are the focus and passion of my life. However, me separate of that on top of that dreams of one other thing and only one other thing...conducting. It is something that I am determined to accomplish in my life, but was always in the future. Now it is in the now. And everything is on the line.
This job isn't even in the ethereal, safe realm of dreaming. If there were any job at any time that would give me a chance to conduct, this would be the one. I am a shoe-in. But I know from experience, things do not always work out that way. There are better conductors in town, more educated conductors. This job begs the question: If they don't choose me, who ever will?
I have never had so much on the line with one little job. It's not even my ultimate dream job, but it's a beginning, a start, a way to get into it, a real possibility. There has only been one other time in my life that I have felt so vulnerable and able to lose all. That time was when I proposed a relationship to my husband, a relationship we both knew was a intentional path towards marriage. If I had lost that, I would have always regretted it. I would have felt like I missed something, like I ruined a piece of my life. If they don't hire me, if I screw up my resume, if I do not present myself well enough, if I am not able enough, if there is someone better than me, if...I will feel the same way. I will feel like I've lost something, ruined a part of my life. After all, if this job that fits like nothing I've ever encountered will not hire me, who will......
Conducting is one of those big crazy dreams. When I was young there were two things I wanted to be when I grew up. One was a professional singer singing on Broadway or Opera or voicing the next little mermaid. Everyone knew about that dream. I took strides to accomplish that dream. Everyone thought that was my big dream. Really, it was second place. It was the dream I could accomplish for sure, the practical dream. In the privacy of my mind conducting was what I really thought about.
Even as a 12 year old I knew that the odds were slim that I could actually be a conductor someday, so I put it out of my mind. Or tried. It was always lurking in the back. The dream that would trump all other dreams, yet would probably never happen. Yet things started working out for that dream. It was shocking to be one of the top conductors in my classes at school. It was shocking how easily it came to me more than others around me. It was shocking when I started doing it in my internship. It was shocking that others who have a background in conducting told me I had a future, possibly a big one. Now I know I can accomplish this. Yet it's still the dream in the background. Why? It's still not practical. I need an education which I cannot afford or take time to get. I mean, who would hire me professionally with only a singing degree? I ultimately want to do orchestral conducting, but know nothing about orchestras. Even the choral side, who has job openings or would actually hire a nobody? So it's just been in the back of my mind as the future dream. I can't even say future goal as I knew these types of dreams seldom come to pass.
And then everything changed. An amazing opportunity that I never expected. My dream stepped into the practical realm. Out of no where, a job opening that I am capable of filling and have connections for. A job that would probably catapult me onto the path of my dreams. That would provide the prestige, contacts and experience I need with the possible plus of helping with schooling down the road. A job that would fit into my first goals of being a wife and mother. A job that seems to be meant for me. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened!
You see, before it was just a dream. Just something I could quietly wish for. Just something that no one would blame me for screwing up or failing to achieve. Something my heart was attached to, but not something that I could lose. You can't lose a dream. Singing was something I could do if I wanted, but had chosen to turn my back on. It was something my heart was not attached to. My heart is whole-heartedly attached to this. Obviously, my husband and children are the focus and passion of my life. However, me separate of that on top of that dreams of one other thing and only one other thing...conducting. It is something that I am determined to accomplish in my life, but was always in the future. Now it is in the now. And everything is on the line.
This job isn't even in the ethereal, safe realm of dreaming. If there were any job at any time that would give me a chance to conduct, this would be the one. I am a shoe-in. But I know from experience, things do not always work out that way. There are better conductors in town, more educated conductors. This job begs the question: If they don't choose me, who ever will?
I have never had so much on the line with one little job. It's not even my ultimate dream job, but it's a beginning, a start, a way to get into it, a real possibility. There has only been one other time in my life that I have felt so vulnerable and able to lose all. That time was when I proposed a relationship to my husband, a relationship we both knew was a intentional path towards marriage. If I had lost that, I would have always regretted it. I would have felt like I missed something, like I ruined a piece of my life. If they don't hire me, if I screw up my resume, if I do not present myself well enough, if I am not able enough, if there is someone better than me, if...I will feel the same way. I will feel like I've lost something, ruined a part of my life. After all, if this job that fits like nothing I've ever encountered will not hire me, who will......
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