A Miracle of God's Love

She had been married for five years, when my good friend looked at me and asked with innocent honesty, "I hear all of these songs on the radio about loving someone so much you can't imagine life without them, wanting to always be with them, loving them no matter what. Are those songs true or is it just a fairytale? Does that love really exist between other couples? I have never experienced anything like that." Those words broke my heart. What could I say? I couldn't lie to her. When I nodded my head yes and told her brokenly that my husband and I could completey relate to every one of those thoughts I watched her crumple.

They had married straight out of a Christian college. He was a smart, charismatic man who was terrified of the very thought of people seeing the real him. He knew that he had never finished much of anything in life and that he was not always a good person. Instead of facing these facts honestly, he blamed everything on somebody else and took out the resulting guilt on those he loved the most. He never accepted responsibility for anything, but rather tore his wife down to make himself feel better. His verbal abuse took five years to ring a bell of warning in his wife. She had grown up with a verbally abusive father and for her it was just the norm. What's worse, growing up with such abuse, she believed every word of it. They both had big problems, which meant their marriage had bigger problems. The difference was that she was desperately looking for ways to change and to fix it. He was not.

A few weeks later we were at a coffee shop when she looked at me, willing me to understand, and told me she was seriously considering leaving her husband. We both cried. How as a Christian can you think of or promote such an action? Yet, after much prayer and thought, we both knew what she had to do. From the beginning she held out hope that her husband would soon see the error of his ways and be willing to consider changing. She wasn't asking for much. She had no hopes of love, a white picket fence, or even the ability to involve children in their unhealhty marriage, just for safety and honesty. It was very difficult to keep my skeptism to myself. After working with people like her husband for most of my life, I knew that there was no way he was going to change. The chances were a million to one. When someone makes it their lifestyle to avoid truth at all costs, they typically won't change their habits even for their spouses or children. On top of that, I was pretty sure that neither one of them had ever really loved the other. It was a typical case of falling in love with love and the stability of marriage.

My friend and I prayed. We fasted. We read books. They went to counselors. We tried everything. The day came when there was nothing left to try and my friend felt God pushing her to separate. A month later she finally realized what I had been trying to warn her of all along. Her husband was not interested in change. If there was going to be a change, it would not take months to accomplish, but rather years. We both refused to admit defeat, although I think we both were almost out of hope deep down. I kept encouraging her to pray with expectation for God to answer. Funny that you can pray for a miracle and still be surprised when it happens.

Three months ago he moved back in and yet I held on to my skeptism, waiting for everything to blow up again. Today, almost exactly a year from the date where my friend asked me about love, we found ourselves once again at Starbucks. As she casually talked about how they were doing, she unmindfully said something that brought tears to my eyes. She simply said, "I know he loves me..." That was the first time I have ever heard her say that with confidence and truth. Almost a year after my friend realized she would probably lose her farce of a marriage, I listen to her and see that both of my friends have fallen for each other. Wow. When did that happen, God?

Today, they are back together. Her husband is making it a regular habit to admit his mistakes. He is making extreme efforts to fix his marriage and to show love for his wife. She has learned how to be honest and to stand up to her husband with the truth. She is now so used to the happiness and peace at her house that she is shocked when her simple updates move me to tears. They still have their problems. But then, what marriage does not? It is not problems that ruin a marriage, but refusal to face them.

That day she told me about her impending separation, we had both decided to do an experiment. We had nothing left to lose, nothing much left to try, and we felt that God was asking us to simply believe. We would both pray, we would both believe that God would answer our prayers for restoration, and if He chose not to, we would both still believe He was good. I think I prayed more for this than for anything else in my life. How is it then that I am shocked to see it occur? God is truly good. Does that mean life is a bed of roses? Heck no. But it means that we are in good hands. It means that He can heal even the most hopeless situation. It means that not everything turns out like we'd like, but every now and then He pulls out all of the stops and hands us a beautiful gift. Thank you, Father.

People that ever want to be a mom, read at your own risk.

Does it make me a terrible mom that I already hate being pregnant? That I cannot seem to get too excited as of late? That I almost resent this parasite, who I still love dearly, but nevertheless is a parasite that is sucking the life out of me and turning my own body against me? I apparently have been really negative about this whole process lately as people keep trying to cheer me up, telling me how lucky I am and how excited I should be. All I can say is, let me see them be excited when their heads are in the toilet. It's amazing that a tiny ultrasound blob that is only one centimeter long can screw up/bless my life so royally.

I keep trying to come up with reasons to justify why I am not enjoying pregnancy and already dreading the next one (borrowing trouble just a little bit there). I really hate change and this reeks of my typical negative attitude and freaking out that accompanies life changes. Or it could be that my entire body is changing and everything hurts constantly and everyday is a struggle to get through. I mean, when the basics (sleeping, going to the bathroom, eating) are a nightmarish struggle, that is some cause for anxiety. It could be that I'm freaking out about being a parent, although I don't think that's it. I feel pretty prepared and am frankly counting down the days till this baby can come out and at least I can get my stomach back. Maybe it's because I, unlike some girls, have seen a lot of pregnancies and know what to expect. There are no rose-colored glasses guarding me from seeing into the next seven months of happy hell. So what is the deal? Why can't I get excited about this? Maybe I'm just a terrible person.

My theory is that I'm completely normal. You see, the happy things in pregnancy eventually block out the bad. I've seen this with moms who just went through an atrocious delivery process only to forget everything the minute that baby is in their arms. I think women just get to the second trimester of their pregnancy, their body feels better, they can feel their baby kicking, and they just forget how horrible the last four months have been. It's like God-made memory drugs.

So what's the moral of this story? If you'd ever like to have kids, don't talk to someone about their experience until they're well past their first trimester. Better yet, wait till their kids are toddlers and they are reminiscing about the old days of having babies.

In the end, even though I felt really prepared for pregnancy, I really had no idea. I knew at least to some extent how much a baby changes your life once it comes out. I've seen how much that baby takes over your body once you start looking like a whale. However, I was not prepared for how much this baby would change my life starting a mere 10 days after it's conception. I had no idea I'd start running the marathon this early.

Wow, that's a lot of negativity. Don't get me wrong, I am really glad that I'm pregnant and excited for this baby, but right now my brain is kind of caught up in daily survival. When I can make it through a day again semi-normally and I can see/feel this baby more, I think I will be able to get much more excited. The one thing I do know is that my mother was a epic hero, a strong soldier, a superhero. Hope I can measure up...

Or at least make it to the second trimester.