One of the benefits of working for a Christian organization is that part of my job is reading interesting articles. I got a very thought provoking one today. The article covered many points, but the one that stuck out to me is the church’s failure to reach out is not necessarily through failure in the church programs, but in the individual’s failure to live outside of the church. Christians have a tendency to spend a lot of time at the church or with churchy people. There are two ways we typically evangelize. One is through relationships, however if you don’t know or spend any time with non-Christians how do you build relationships? That leaves the second type…evangelizing strangers. I am a Christian and I have been offended time and again by the door to door knockers, hateful street preachers, and childish hellfire pamphlets I have received. I’ve always been appalled at what people who are “not in the club” might think. In my book, that is just not an acceptable way to reach people…ok, it’s the worst possible way to reach people.
So how do we as a church fulfill Jesus’ to-do list of introducing Him around and helping to change lives? I believe it’s mostly through relationships. In fact, I’ve seen it happen myself. I have a friend who I met and instantly clicked with. However, she and her husband were not Christians. I spent a lot of time praying for them, but honestly I spent more time getting to know her and having fun with her. We have talked about the specifics of religion maybe once. I’m not the person she needs to hear it from, I’m the person that she enjoys spending time with, that tries (and fails a lot) to model Christ’s changes in my heart, and who tries to be there practically for her both as a friend and as an obligated slave of Christ reaching out to someone who needs something (sometimes easy and sometimes…not). She and her husband are Christians today and are raising their child to love Jesus. I honestly didn’t have a lot to do with that. I just did what Christ did. I reached out and loved. I enjoy her. Our friendship was never based around her coming to salvation and me adding another tick on my list of people I’ve “saved.” She is like a sister to me and now I just happen to be lucky enough to have her as a sister in Christ. Seeking out a relationship rather than seeking out a salvation has been pretty effective for me.
That long story said, I felt pretty good about myself. Then I thought about it. How many other non-Christian friends do I have…? Umm…. I’m reaching here. Surely I have more?! Nope, not really. Oh sure, I have excuses. I work at mainly Christian workplaces so I don’t really meet people at work. That’s a pretty good excuse, yet…I have a feeling not good enough. I’m reaching out to other really hurting Christians. Doesn’t that count? Not quite.
Maybe I need to make a greater effort to get outside of my Christian bubble. I have nothing against non-Christians, but I just never meet them. Yeah, that’s a bad excuse. Should I be knocking door to door or meeting neighbors just to bring them to Christ? Heck no! But maybe I can be more intentional about placing myself in situations to be more “in the world.” Maybe I can find a way to work in the secular realm. Maybe I need to join secular mom play groups, not MOPS. Maybe this new job will work out and I’ll be doing music in the community rather than at a church. All in all, a lot to think about.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Perfect Blogger...What Planet Are You From?!
What do moms have time for? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Wait, sometimes I get lunch, every once in a while close to an accepted lunch time, and a few times even hot! What I want to know is how most of my mom friends have time to write blogs? And they don't just write long winded, selfish drivel with no point like I do. No, I have read blog after blog on baking cakes, sewing, couponing your way to financial freedom, organization (what is that?), making your home magazine worthy, and perfect parenting. I can't help but hope the truth is these moms have messy houses, spoiled brats for kids, and their only comfort in life is staying up till 2:00 a.m. writing a fairy tale on their blog.
In an effort to appear perfect to my large blog audience, I've made a mid-year's resolution to blog more. I did start this blog with great intentions, to keep up with friends. Admittedly, it has turned into a good place to "discuss" (aka talk to myself) about my deep thoughts. The good news is I barely have time to pee anymore much less think big thoughts. So there's a slight chance I might be able to get this blog back on track. Maybe my house cleaning will become motivated and follow suit. :)
Now for a topic...Hmm... I'm a terrible baker. I do know a lot about kids, but who listens to a first time mom with a baby merely 7 months old? My only hobby is reading, but I HATE reading book reviews so why write them? I am a whiz at craigslist (seriously, I could change your life), but I don't think I can give instructions as this gift is not a skill but merely a blessing from the gods. So I will do what every other blogger does. I'll pour my heart out in a public blog and hope that someday I can find a purpose for my meaningless drivel.
Here's to blogging mainly because everyone else is doing it! I'm telling you, these days to be a good wife, mother, and homemaker...you just have to blog.
In an effort to appear perfect to my large blog audience, I've made a mid-year's resolution to blog more. I did start this blog with great intentions, to keep up with friends. Admittedly, it has turned into a good place to "discuss" (aka talk to myself) about my deep thoughts. The good news is I barely have time to pee anymore much less think big thoughts. So there's a slight chance I might be able to get this blog back on track. Maybe my house cleaning will become motivated and follow suit. :)
Now for a topic...Hmm... I'm a terrible baker. I do know a lot about kids, but who listens to a first time mom with a baby merely 7 months old? My only hobby is reading, but I HATE reading book reviews so why write them? I am a whiz at craigslist (seriously, I could change your life), but I don't think I can give instructions as this gift is not a skill but merely a blessing from the gods. So I will do what every other blogger does. I'll pour my heart out in a public blog and hope that someday I can find a purpose for my meaningless drivel.
Here's to blogging mainly because everyone else is doing it! I'm telling you, these days to be a good wife, mother, and homemaker...you just have to blog.
Monday, June 20, 2011
What if dreams come true?
Dreams. We all dream dreams. Some little and some big, big dreams. I dream big dreams. I have always been the type to dream big, but to live practically. For instance, I may dream about what it would be like to be a movie star or a princess. I may dwell on the majesty of it and how much I'd love to be in that place doing that amazing thing. But I never actually strive for it or believe that it will actually happen. I know the difference between a crazy dream and reality.
Conducting is one of those big crazy dreams. When I was young there were two things I wanted to be when I grew up. One was a professional singer singing on Broadway or Opera or voicing the next little mermaid. Everyone knew about that dream. I took strides to accomplish that dream. Everyone thought that was my big dream. Really, it was second place. It was the dream I could accomplish for sure, the practical dream. In the privacy of my mind conducting was what I really thought about.
Even as a 12 year old I knew that the odds were slim that I could actually be a conductor someday, so I put it out of my mind. Or tried. It was always lurking in the back. The dream that would trump all other dreams, yet would probably never happen. Yet things started working out for that dream. It was shocking to be one of the top conductors in my classes at school. It was shocking how easily it came to me more than others around me. It was shocking when I started doing it in my internship. It was shocking that others who have a background in conducting told me I had a future, possibly a big one. Now I know I can accomplish this. Yet it's still the dream in the background. Why? It's still not practical. I need an education which I cannot afford or take time to get. I mean, who would hire me professionally with only a singing degree? I ultimately want to do orchestral conducting, but know nothing about orchestras. Even the choral side, who has job openings or would actually hire a nobody? So it's just been in the back of my mind as the future dream. I can't even say future goal as I knew these types of dreams seldom come to pass.
And then everything changed. An amazing opportunity that I never expected. My dream stepped into the practical realm. Out of no where, a job opening that I am capable of filling and have connections for. A job that would probably catapult me onto the path of my dreams. That would provide the prestige, contacts and experience I need with the possible plus of helping with schooling down the road. A job that would fit into my first goals of being a wife and mother. A job that seems to be meant for me. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened!
You see, before it was just a dream. Just something I could quietly wish for. Just something that no one would blame me for screwing up or failing to achieve. Something my heart was attached to, but not something that I could lose. You can't lose a dream. Singing was something I could do if I wanted, but had chosen to turn my back on. It was something my heart was not attached to. My heart is whole-heartedly attached to this. Obviously, my husband and children are the focus and passion of my life. However, me separate of that on top of that dreams of one other thing and only one other thing...conducting. It is something that I am determined to accomplish in my life, but was always in the future. Now it is in the now. And everything is on the line.
This job isn't even in the ethereal, safe realm of dreaming. If there were any job at any time that would give me a chance to conduct, this would be the one. I am a shoe-in. But I know from experience, things do not always work out that way. There are better conductors in town, more educated conductors. This job begs the question: If they don't choose me, who ever will?
I have never had so much on the line with one little job. It's not even my ultimate dream job, but it's a beginning, a start, a way to get into it, a real possibility. There has only been one other time in my life that I have felt so vulnerable and able to lose all. That time was when I proposed a relationship to my husband, a relationship we both knew was a intentional path towards marriage. If I had lost that, I would have always regretted it. I would have felt like I missed something, like I ruined a piece of my life. If they don't hire me, if I screw up my resume, if I do not present myself well enough, if I am not able enough, if there is someone better than me, if...I will feel the same way. I will feel like I've lost something, ruined a part of my life. After all, if this job that fits like nothing I've ever encountered will not hire me, who will......
Conducting is one of those big crazy dreams. When I was young there were two things I wanted to be when I grew up. One was a professional singer singing on Broadway or Opera or voicing the next little mermaid. Everyone knew about that dream. I took strides to accomplish that dream. Everyone thought that was my big dream. Really, it was second place. It was the dream I could accomplish for sure, the practical dream. In the privacy of my mind conducting was what I really thought about.
Even as a 12 year old I knew that the odds were slim that I could actually be a conductor someday, so I put it out of my mind. Or tried. It was always lurking in the back. The dream that would trump all other dreams, yet would probably never happen. Yet things started working out for that dream. It was shocking to be one of the top conductors in my classes at school. It was shocking how easily it came to me more than others around me. It was shocking when I started doing it in my internship. It was shocking that others who have a background in conducting told me I had a future, possibly a big one. Now I know I can accomplish this. Yet it's still the dream in the background. Why? It's still not practical. I need an education which I cannot afford or take time to get. I mean, who would hire me professionally with only a singing degree? I ultimately want to do orchestral conducting, but know nothing about orchestras. Even the choral side, who has job openings or would actually hire a nobody? So it's just been in the back of my mind as the future dream. I can't even say future goal as I knew these types of dreams seldom come to pass.
And then everything changed. An amazing opportunity that I never expected. My dream stepped into the practical realm. Out of no where, a job opening that I am capable of filling and have connections for. A job that would probably catapult me onto the path of my dreams. That would provide the prestige, contacts and experience I need with the possible plus of helping with schooling down the road. A job that would fit into my first goals of being a wife and mother. A job that seems to be meant for me. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened!
You see, before it was just a dream. Just something I could quietly wish for. Just something that no one would blame me for screwing up or failing to achieve. Something my heart was attached to, but not something that I could lose. You can't lose a dream. Singing was something I could do if I wanted, but had chosen to turn my back on. It was something my heart was not attached to. My heart is whole-heartedly attached to this. Obviously, my husband and children are the focus and passion of my life. However, me separate of that on top of that dreams of one other thing and only one other thing...conducting. It is something that I am determined to accomplish in my life, but was always in the future. Now it is in the now. And everything is on the line.
This job isn't even in the ethereal, safe realm of dreaming. If there were any job at any time that would give me a chance to conduct, this would be the one. I am a shoe-in. But I know from experience, things do not always work out that way. There are better conductors in town, more educated conductors. This job begs the question: If they don't choose me, who ever will?
I have never had so much on the line with one little job. It's not even my ultimate dream job, but it's a beginning, a start, a way to get into it, a real possibility. There has only been one other time in my life that I have felt so vulnerable and able to lose all. That time was when I proposed a relationship to my husband, a relationship we both knew was a intentional path towards marriage. If I had lost that, I would have always regretted it. I would have felt like I missed something, like I ruined a piece of my life. If they don't hire me, if I screw up my resume, if I do not present myself well enough, if I am not able enough, if there is someone better than me, if...I will feel the same way. I will feel like I've lost something, ruined a part of my life. After all, if this job that fits like nothing I've ever encountered will not hire me, who will......
Saturday, October 16, 2010
The Great Adventure!
My favorite movie of all time is Disney's "Beauty and the Beast." I adore this movie for several reasons. As a music major, I have yet to find a movie with a better, more moving soundtrack. The opening scene of waterfall, haunting piano music gives me chills every time. I love the purity and romance of the story. I love that redemption, honesty, inner beauty, and love are celebrated. What I love most about the movie is that I completely relate with Belle's character. Ok, maybe not the beauty part. I have never been in danger of being considered the catch of the town or even beautiful. However, growing up, I was totally that girl walking down the street with her nose in a book. Not academic books either, mind you, but stories of "far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise!"
The climax of the movie for me (and the part as a young girl that I found myself always singing, pretending I was Belle) was after Belle is offered a marriage proposal by the male town catch. She is offered a chance to settle down in what the town considers the best opportunity a girl can possibly attain. What does Belle do? She not only throws her potential suitor out the door, into the mud, but goes on to explain what she really wants. With dramatic music and fantastic artistry that captures the longing in her face she sings, "I want much more than this provincial life! I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell!" And then the music calms and gets more reflective to something she wants even more deep in her inner being. "And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned."
That phrase always stuck with me. Like Belle, I always knew that I wanted adventure and to do great things, not for the acclaim or riches, but because I knew I was destined to and I wanted more than just "this provincial life." However, I realized early on that not very many people felt the same way or understood my longing. As a girl, Belle was the only person who understood me. Well, Belle and one other person...God.
From an early age, I was lucky enough to make the decision to let Him pilot my life. Not just in theory, but I really do let Him make the decisions for me. I've always been able to find His sense of peace and KNOW when a decision was what He wanted. It always took time, but in the end I have never regretted a single decision that I knew was His way. And I knew that God had destined me for something great! I could feel it in my bones! I still believe it today. However, I am finding an interesting pattern in His decision making.
My first great adventure started as a senior in highschool. I was fantastic at music. I was told over and over that I could go to Broadway and I knew I could, too. God needed Christians in the musical world and there was nothing that thrilled my soul like the adventure of being on stage, in the spotlight, singing my heart out, and loving what I was doing!!! Even now I can hear the soundtrack of my life starting up in my head with that dramatic music and then....zmph. The music comes to a screeching, fizzling halt. God walked in and said, "Um...nice idea, but nope. I have other plans." "Hmmm...." I said. "Well, I know you have big plans for me, so what else could they be?" Cue the music!
Being a missionary! I loved kids, I loved working with kids, I love other cultures and I had no male relationships in my life and no desire to risk myself with any of the male specimens around me. To work in an orphanage...I would love that! That has got to be it! So many things grew my love for missions and going on a big adventure around the world!!!!...zmph. "Nope, not quite it." Then God throws a husband my way. I mean, I love this man more than anything and he is the greatest husband in the world, but marriage? Really? What could be more boring and un-Belle like.
In fact, if there's one thing I've learned about marriage it is that life becomes as much anti-adventure as possible. You spend the evenings at home...again. You worry about the adventures of money and try to avoid them with every fiber of your being. When there's two of you, you're kind of stuck. You can't zip across the world to meet a need or take a low paying job that will save the world. You just become...steady.
And then I found something I loved more than anything else in the past. Something I knew I was knitted together in the womb for, completely and utterly made for! Music ministry in the church! Something I'd always dreamt about doing, but wasn't sure I could possibly attain. The fun and meaning of changing kid's lives through kid's choir. The excitement of directing a show or concert. The majesty of leading a choir. The importance of 60+ people looking to you for leadership with trusting, eager faces. The thrill of directing an orchestra and the utter joy of realization that you've never enjoyed anything more! The perfection of touching someone's life with your testimony about God on a weekly basis, despite the fact that you stumbled through it. And the best part...I can do it while being married! There is adventure here!
...zmph. Then I got pregnant. Let me tell you, it's pretty impossible to enjoy the majesty of a Sunday morning when all you can think about is when you can escape to put your head in the toilet. It's also pretty impossible to follow an adventurous career at church when you have a little cling-on. Talk about being pulled way down to earth by a tiny hand. I landed with a huge "thump!" Throughout my pregnancy I know both my husband and I both felt that "thump!" of responsibility. Now we're really stuck. As I looked for jobs to do after the baby, I found myself in tears again and again wishing I could follow that adventure, follow what God made me to do. Isn't that what I should be doing? Why in the world if God made me for adventure did He make it impossible? For really, with this baby I had followed typical protocol and knew that this baby was what God wanted for me and when He wanted it. So what was up?
It came to a head a few nights ago in a dream. I dreamed that my husband and I were a week away from graduation. I don't know what exact degrees we were getting, but we had both struggled through and were getting our masters degrees! We were so excited! In my dream (and probably in reality as I slept) I started to cry. I had achieved an adventure and honor I have always wanted. What's more, this degree was going to help slingshot both of us into further adventures. Then I woke up... I kept on crying. In fact, I was crying inside the rest of the day. The disappointment that not only had we not even started on our masters, but really there is no real hope in sight of getting it. Really, there is no hope in sight for any of our adventures. That realization finally settled in and stung. Boy did I resent this baby!
A few days past and I felt a little encouraged by a new adventure. It's not that big nor that great and will only last for a short time. It's going to stink basically the entire time and not receive a lot of appreciation. Ok, let's face it. It's an adventure I've never really wanted to have and I'm just holding onto it because it's the only one I have left. The adventure of birth. I'm at most a week away from the hellish adventure of labor. Here is an adventure that God has given me...and something that deep inside, I'm really looking forward to. An adventure that is pure and clean and meant to be since the dawn of time. An adventure I've realized that I wouldn't trade for any of the others. An adventure that's going to bring me my beloved baby boy.
And it hit me. So far I've been following God's leading. Instead of the big adventures I keep getting led off on all of these rabbit trails of typical life, missing out on the big events. Definitely not where I wanted to be, definitely the places I scorned other people for ending up, but definitely where God has led me. But what if these are the big adventures? After all, what could be more beautiful than showing God in our marriage and changing a friend's life through it? What can be better than to hear I've been missed at my little church ministry and that there's an adventurous job waiting for me later? What can be more exciting than trying to work out future adventurous possibilities around a family? And, perhaps, what can be a greater adventure than bringing new life into the world?
Belle, I finally have your answer. Life , yes even this provincial one, is the big adventure.
The climax of the movie for me (and the part as a young girl that I found myself always singing, pretending I was Belle) was after Belle is offered a marriage proposal by the male town catch. She is offered a chance to settle down in what the town considers the best opportunity a girl can possibly attain. What does Belle do? She not only throws her potential suitor out the door, into the mud, but goes on to explain what she really wants. With dramatic music and fantastic artistry that captures the longing in her face she sings, "I want much more than this provincial life! I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell!" And then the music calms and gets more reflective to something she wants even more deep in her inner being. "And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned."
That phrase always stuck with me. Like Belle, I always knew that I wanted adventure and to do great things, not for the acclaim or riches, but because I knew I was destined to and I wanted more than just "this provincial life." However, I realized early on that not very many people felt the same way or understood my longing. As a girl, Belle was the only person who understood me. Well, Belle and one other person...God.
From an early age, I was lucky enough to make the decision to let Him pilot my life. Not just in theory, but I really do let Him make the decisions for me. I've always been able to find His sense of peace and KNOW when a decision was what He wanted. It always took time, but in the end I have never regretted a single decision that I knew was His way. And I knew that God had destined me for something great! I could feel it in my bones! I still believe it today. However, I am finding an interesting pattern in His decision making.
My first great adventure started as a senior in highschool. I was fantastic at music. I was told over and over that I could go to Broadway and I knew I could, too. God needed Christians in the musical world and there was nothing that thrilled my soul like the adventure of being on stage, in the spotlight, singing my heart out, and loving what I was doing!!! Even now I can hear the soundtrack of my life starting up in my head with that dramatic music and then....zmph. The music comes to a screeching, fizzling halt. God walked in and said, "Um...nice idea, but nope. I have other plans." "Hmmm...." I said. "Well, I know you have big plans for me, so what else could they be?" Cue the music!
Being a missionary! I loved kids, I loved working with kids, I love other cultures and I had no male relationships in my life and no desire to risk myself with any of the male specimens around me. To work in an orphanage...I would love that! That has got to be it! So many things grew my love for missions and going on a big adventure around the world!!!!...zmph. "Nope, not quite it." Then God throws a husband my way. I mean, I love this man more than anything and he is the greatest husband in the world, but marriage? Really? What could be more boring and un-Belle like.
In fact, if there's one thing I've learned about marriage it is that life becomes as much anti-adventure as possible. You spend the evenings at home...again. You worry about the adventures of money and try to avoid them with every fiber of your being. When there's two of you, you're kind of stuck. You can't zip across the world to meet a need or take a low paying job that will save the world. You just become...steady.
And then I found something I loved more than anything else in the past. Something I knew I was knitted together in the womb for, completely and utterly made for! Music ministry in the church! Something I'd always dreamt about doing, but wasn't sure I could possibly attain. The fun and meaning of changing kid's lives through kid's choir. The excitement of directing a show or concert. The majesty of leading a choir. The importance of 60+ people looking to you for leadership with trusting, eager faces. The thrill of directing an orchestra and the utter joy of realization that you've never enjoyed anything more! The perfection of touching someone's life with your testimony about God on a weekly basis, despite the fact that you stumbled through it. And the best part...I can do it while being married! There is adventure here!
...zmph. Then I got pregnant. Let me tell you, it's pretty impossible to enjoy the majesty of a Sunday morning when all you can think about is when you can escape to put your head in the toilet. It's also pretty impossible to follow an adventurous career at church when you have a little cling-on. Talk about being pulled way down to earth by a tiny hand. I landed with a huge "thump!" Throughout my pregnancy I know both my husband and I both felt that "thump!" of responsibility. Now we're really stuck. As I looked for jobs to do after the baby, I found myself in tears again and again wishing I could follow that adventure, follow what God made me to do. Isn't that what I should be doing? Why in the world if God made me for adventure did He make it impossible? For really, with this baby I had followed typical protocol and knew that this baby was what God wanted for me and when He wanted it. So what was up?
It came to a head a few nights ago in a dream. I dreamed that my husband and I were a week away from graduation. I don't know what exact degrees we were getting, but we had both struggled through and were getting our masters degrees! We were so excited! In my dream (and probably in reality as I slept) I started to cry. I had achieved an adventure and honor I have always wanted. What's more, this degree was going to help slingshot both of us into further adventures. Then I woke up... I kept on crying. In fact, I was crying inside the rest of the day. The disappointment that not only had we not even started on our masters, but really there is no real hope in sight of getting it. Really, there is no hope in sight for any of our adventures. That realization finally settled in and stung. Boy did I resent this baby!
A few days past and I felt a little encouraged by a new adventure. It's not that big nor that great and will only last for a short time. It's going to stink basically the entire time and not receive a lot of appreciation. Ok, let's face it. It's an adventure I've never really wanted to have and I'm just holding onto it because it's the only one I have left. The adventure of birth. I'm at most a week away from the hellish adventure of labor. Here is an adventure that God has given me...and something that deep inside, I'm really looking forward to. An adventure that is pure and clean and meant to be since the dawn of time. An adventure I've realized that I wouldn't trade for any of the others. An adventure that's going to bring me my beloved baby boy.
And it hit me. So far I've been following God's leading. Instead of the big adventures I keep getting led off on all of these rabbit trails of typical life, missing out on the big events. Definitely not where I wanted to be, definitely the places I scorned other people for ending up, but definitely where God has led me. But what if these are the big adventures? After all, what could be more beautiful than showing God in our marriage and changing a friend's life through it? What can be better than to hear I've been missed at my little church ministry and that there's an adventurous job waiting for me later? What can be more exciting than trying to work out future adventurous possibilities around a family? And, perhaps, what can be a greater adventure than bringing new life into the world?
Belle, I finally have your answer. Life , yes even this provincial one, is the big adventure.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Friends Forever?
What makes a good friend? Do you ever feel like you’ve wasted your time on someone? I am not one of those people who has many friends. I am a homebody and can only handle investing so much of my week in social activities. When I make a friendship, I like to dig deep, way past the acquaintance stage, and make friends for life. As a result of this, I had almost no friends growing up. I eventually learned how to make many acquaintances and yet delve deep into the lives of a few. Through trial and error I learned to recognize pretty quickly what friends were “worth it” and would last and which friends could never go past the surface. I invest most of my time and energy into those few because I know that those few will stick around and not waste the little time I have to give. Maybe that sounds selfish, but it’s the most effective way for me to operate and still maintain good friendships. Those people will tell you that I’ll do anything for them. I spend hours being a listening ear, having fun times, and supporting them through life. I bleed, pray, sweat, and agonize over my close friends. Over the course of my life, I have made less than 10 of these types of friends.
My question today is, “where are they now?” If they are such good friends, where are they now?! Well, the good news is that the best friend I’ve ever made is my husband. He has been right here by my side supporting me through these last hellish 9 months. He’s not perfect, but he’s always been there for me even before we were an item and I know he will be there until his dying day.
The best female friends I ever made were in college. I’m happy to say that they are still wonderful friends I know that I can count on. The problem is that they’re all over the country and have lives of their own. That’s just life though, not a choice any of us has made.
But what about those people who are here, but aren’t there? I cannot even begin to recount the hours, weeks, months, worth of time I have spent on friends out here. Yet, I am just now realizing that for all of the time I have been there for them, they have been almost non-existent in my struggles. Sure, some of them have excuses. The problem is that I’m beginning to realize that they always seem to have excuses. I am realizing that I am now at the end of my 9 months and my friends have never kicked in, so to speak. Hmm…
So my question is how in the world do you know if people are worth spending time on? I do not take a completely selfish view to friendship nor do I necessarily regret the impact I’ve had on my friends’ lives. However, there have been many times where I’ve said no to other friends or lost time with my husband for these friends. I feel like I’ve run around the world for them several times over. Was all of that completely necessary? How do you keep from being a fool and giving everything to a friend that will never give back? When you don’t have your family nearby, it is so important to have good friends to help you when the going gets rough. I sure wish I had figured this out before I needed backup. I don’t make friends easily or trust people easily. This is exactly why. To all of my true friends and family, boy do I miss you!
My question today is, “where are they now?” If they are such good friends, where are they now?! Well, the good news is that the best friend I’ve ever made is my husband. He has been right here by my side supporting me through these last hellish 9 months. He’s not perfect, but he’s always been there for me even before we were an item and I know he will be there until his dying day.
The best female friends I ever made were in college. I’m happy to say that they are still wonderful friends I know that I can count on. The problem is that they’re all over the country and have lives of their own. That’s just life though, not a choice any of us has made.
But what about those people who are here, but aren’t there? I cannot even begin to recount the hours, weeks, months, worth of time I have spent on friends out here. Yet, I am just now realizing that for all of the time I have been there for them, they have been almost non-existent in my struggles. Sure, some of them have excuses. The problem is that I’m beginning to realize that they always seem to have excuses. I am realizing that I am now at the end of my 9 months and my friends have never kicked in, so to speak. Hmm…
So my question is how in the world do you know if people are worth spending time on? I do not take a completely selfish view to friendship nor do I necessarily regret the impact I’ve had on my friends’ lives. However, there have been many times where I’ve said no to other friends or lost time with my husband for these friends. I feel like I’ve run around the world for them several times over. Was all of that completely necessary? How do you keep from being a fool and giving everything to a friend that will never give back? When you don’t have your family nearby, it is so important to have good friends to help you when the going gets rough. I sure wish I had figured this out before I needed backup. I don’t make friends easily or trust people easily. This is exactly why. To all of my true friends and family, boy do I miss you!
Friday, August 27, 2010
The War of the Ribs
Do you believe that children are born inherently good? Do you believe that it’s society’s fault for corrupting our little angels? That they come out these cute little saints and then their parents get ahold of them and all hell breaks loose, literally? Well, you’re stupid. Or you’ve never really been near children. I don’t believe that anyone who has worked with young children and has even the tiniest bit of brains in their heads can deny that truth of an inherent sin nature. After working with kids for over 17 years, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Nobody ever has to teach a child how to lie or how to be selfish or how to manipulate their parents. Nope, kids know these tricks right from the get go and boy are they good at them!
For whatever reason, I think this is the funniest thing. I have two nieces and an adopted niece, all under 13 months old. I get the biggest kick out of watching their natural sin nature kick in even at their young ages. At 13 months old, my little niece is starting to learn the word “no” (always one of their first words). However, this is not where it starts. Oh no! At 8 months old, babies are fully capable of a full out fit if they don’t get their way. Even at 3 months or earlier they start developing this distinct cry in which you can totally hear, “That’s not fair! I’m not getting my way! I refuse to be happy simply because I’m not getting my way!” I have seen little babies that are just learning to crawl find out the evil thrill of the response you get from biting your little friend. Once they find any mobility (walking, crawling, even rolling over) we all know exactly where the first place they go to is. The forbidden territory is always the highlight. What’s a little toddler boy’s first response to a bug? Stomp! Utter domination and destruction! I can’t help but chuckle when I see this natural reaction from children.
Why in the world do I find it funny? I mean, sin is sin and sin is a very nasty thing. Well, perhaps it’s because they’re sinning with such innocence. They’re not hiding behind pretenses or feeling guilty for their behavior. That is something they also learn how to do pretty fast, but I love how little children originally just let that sinful attitude out without trying to pretty it up. It’s so honest. I love seeing that same ugliness that I like to hide when I sin just coming out. It reminds me of how ugly sin really is. It reminds me about how like a selfish, fit throwing child I really am. That sinning child is inside all of us, but we make it a lot uglier by trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. Trying to blame our sins on others. Babies don’t care who is keeping them from eating fast enough, they just know that they aren’t being satisfied quickly enough for their tastes. Babies don’t hide behind pretenses and throw out cutting remarks to mom about her lack of skill in meeting their needs. Nope, they just let that ugly squeal out that we adults like to turn into telling remarks, vengeful behavior and whatever other evil thing we can think of all the while pretending to be so righteous. Well, I’m not sure that I explained that as best I could or that that paragraph is completely theologically accurate, but you get the idea.
Now, I know what you other moms are thinking. It’s just not that funny when it’s your terrible two throwing a fit in Walmart over candy. Well, my turn has already come. My baby still has approximately 8 more weeks to cook and he’s already showing that hilarious little sin nature that makes him human. He’s got this one spot that he likes to put his foot in. It’s right on one of my organs right under my rib. He will push on that organ until it’s on fire and feeling like it’s going to burst. He’ll do this for hours. When he gets tired of that, he moves his foot a little farther up and pushes either on my diaphragm or right on my lungs, I’m not sure which. It causes me to have what feels like half capacity in that lung and gives mommy a panic attack when she can’t breathe. It even makes me quite light headed. Now, I completely understand that he is out of room and has no idea what he’s doing. That’s why mommy spends her day (yes, literally most of my day) gently pushing his foot into a new location. How does he respond to this? Well, you’d think that when he puts it immediately back that he’s just innocently not getting it. Maybe partially true. But the real truth comes out around the third time when he gets tired of being moved. That’s when he declares war. We literally have a strength war between my hand and his foot as he pushes back refusing to be moved yet again. He is ridiculously strong for such a little thing and he is very determined to win!
What is really going on? I call it “The War of the Ribs”, but really it’s a war of the wills. We are all born (really, conceived) with a God-given free will. We love to use it. It’s not that he doesn’t have another place to go. It’s not that he’s completely oblivious to my request. Not that I’m saying he’s a criminal mastermind fully capable of plotting the destruction of the world at this stage in life, but he does know a few things. He knows that he is being moved and he knows that he can move. He also knows that he doesn’t like it and sure as heck doesn’t want to. Sure enough, after enough wrestling he will eventually move to a new location. The amount of persuasion I have to give him though does not bode well for dealing with his terrible twos.
Maybe you think I’m crazy or imagining things. Well, due to the extreme lack of space for my little 8 month old son we do this battle throughout the day. It really takes him no time at all to fall asleep for his typical 30 minutes, wake up forgetful of last play time, and pretty quickly get himself back into his favorite position. In fact, “The War of the Ribs” is going on as we speak. Somehow I’m still able to laugh as he yet again gets frustrated and gives me several huge, quick kicks in obvious anger (mind you my galbladder, appendix, or small intestine, whatever is there, is definitely not laughing). Because I love him and because I’m his mother, I can laugh even though his actions are continually bringing me pain. I can laugh at his innocence and relate to his struggle to act out his free will. It’s a lovely reminder to me of this wonderful God I have who maybe cannot completely laugh at the ugliness of sin in His perfection, but still looks fondly down at me when I am kicking my feet at Him, completely understanding the urge to act out that free will He gave me and yet He again so gently redirects me. Hopefully I continually live up to His example with my strong willed little boy.
For whatever reason, I think this is the funniest thing. I have two nieces and an adopted niece, all under 13 months old. I get the biggest kick out of watching their natural sin nature kick in even at their young ages. At 13 months old, my little niece is starting to learn the word “no” (always one of their first words). However, this is not where it starts. Oh no! At 8 months old, babies are fully capable of a full out fit if they don’t get their way. Even at 3 months or earlier they start developing this distinct cry in which you can totally hear, “That’s not fair! I’m not getting my way! I refuse to be happy simply because I’m not getting my way!” I have seen little babies that are just learning to crawl find out the evil thrill of the response you get from biting your little friend. Once they find any mobility (walking, crawling, even rolling over) we all know exactly where the first place they go to is. The forbidden territory is always the highlight. What’s a little toddler boy’s first response to a bug? Stomp! Utter domination and destruction! I can’t help but chuckle when I see this natural reaction from children.
Why in the world do I find it funny? I mean, sin is sin and sin is a very nasty thing. Well, perhaps it’s because they’re sinning with such innocence. They’re not hiding behind pretenses or feeling guilty for their behavior. That is something they also learn how to do pretty fast, but I love how little children originally just let that sinful attitude out without trying to pretty it up. It’s so honest. I love seeing that same ugliness that I like to hide when I sin just coming out. It reminds me of how ugly sin really is. It reminds me about how like a selfish, fit throwing child I really am. That sinning child is inside all of us, but we make it a lot uglier by trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. Trying to blame our sins on others. Babies don’t care who is keeping them from eating fast enough, they just know that they aren’t being satisfied quickly enough for their tastes. Babies don’t hide behind pretenses and throw out cutting remarks to mom about her lack of skill in meeting their needs. Nope, they just let that ugly squeal out that we adults like to turn into telling remarks, vengeful behavior and whatever other evil thing we can think of all the while pretending to be so righteous. Well, I’m not sure that I explained that as best I could or that that paragraph is completely theologically accurate, but you get the idea.
Now, I know what you other moms are thinking. It’s just not that funny when it’s your terrible two throwing a fit in Walmart over candy. Well, my turn has already come. My baby still has approximately 8 more weeks to cook and he’s already showing that hilarious little sin nature that makes him human. He’s got this one spot that he likes to put his foot in. It’s right on one of my organs right under my rib. He will push on that organ until it’s on fire and feeling like it’s going to burst. He’ll do this for hours. When he gets tired of that, he moves his foot a little farther up and pushes either on my diaphragm or right on my lungs, I’m not sure which. It causes me to have what feels like half capacity in that lung and gives mommy a panic attack when she can’t breathe. It even makes me quite light headed. Now, I completely understand that he is out of room and has no idea what he’s doing. That’s why mommy spends her day (yes, literally most of my day) gently pushing his foot into a new location. How does he respond to this? Well, you’d think that when he puts it immediately back that he’s just innocently not getting it. Maybe partially true. But the real truth comes out around the third time when he gets tired of being moved. That’s when he declares war. We literally have a strength war between my hand and his foot as he pushes back refusing to be moved yet again. He is ridiculously strong for such a little thing and he is very determined to win!
What is really going on? I call it “The War of the Ribs”, but really it’s a war of the wills. We are all born (really, conceived) with a God-given free will. We love to use it. It’s not that he doesn’t have another place to go. It’s not that he’s completely oblivious to my request. Not that I’m saying he’s a criminal mastermind fully capable of plotting the destruction of the world at this stage in life, but he does know a few things. He knows that he is being moved and he knows that he can move. He also knows that he doesn’t like it and sure as heck doesn’t want to. Sure enough, after enough wrestling he will eventually move to a new location. The amount of persuasion I have to give him though does not bode well for dealing with his terrible twos.
Maybe you think I’m crazy or imagining things. Well, due to the extreme lack of space for my little 8 month old son we do this battle throughout the day. It really takes him no time at all to fall asleep for his typical 30 minutes, wake up forgetful of last play time, and pretty quickly get himself back into his favorite position. In fact, “The War of the Ribs” is going on as we speak. Somehow I’m still able to laugh as he yet again gets frustrated and gives me several huge, quick kicks in obvious anger (mind you my galbladder, appendix, or small intestine, whatever is there, is definitely not laughing). Because I love him and because I’m his mother, I can laugh even though his actions are continually bringing me pain. I can laugh at his innocence and relate to his struggle to act out his free will. It’s a lovely reminder to me of this wonderful God I have who maybe cannot completely laugh at the ugliness of sin in His perfection, but still looks fondly down at me when I am kicking my feet at Him, completely understanding the urge to act out that free will He gave me and yet He again so gently redirects me. Hopefully I continually live up to His example with my strong willed little boy.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I'm Back!
I have been very remiss about writing over the last few months. Between a crazy summer schedule, current lack of internet at home, and general busyness I haven’t even thought about my blog for a few months now. A lot has changed…and a lot remains the same. So here’s an update of my life over these past summer months. I will warn you, my life is pretty much baby, baby, baby. Not that everything else isn’t upside down, but baby kind of takes all of my attention these days. Oh and yes, it’s long. What’s new.
End of May: Things kind of got better after my last post. I’ve surprisingly only had a few breakdowns so far from pregnancy hormones and that was the big one. Pregnancy wise, things were pretty terrible in May. I have never been so miserable in my entire life! Not much else happened it May. It was mainly a month of surviving pregnancy. I have to admit, I barely made it.
June: Started off with a bang! We found out we were having a boy, little Roen Alexander. I was still sick as a dog, but things were starting to get more fun. My hubby could finally feel the baby moving and somehow knowing the name and sex finally helped me to bond with Roen. I suppose it sounds terrible that after five months I still had not bonded with my little guy, but up to that point I was spending more time with the toilet than with my guy. Thankfully, he finally stopped feeling like a parasite and more like a baby.
Baby finally started taking a back burner this month. First, my closest friend in Colorado found out that her husband of three years had been racking up secret debt since they were married in an amount approaching one million. Ouch. Thankfully, it was all spent on silly little things and not on other women, but still… I’ve since spent most of my summer trying to encourage them and help them try to gather the pieces of their marriage. They are both non-Christians, but it’s been neat watching God work in their lives and pursue them doggedly. I have a feeling things might change in that department soon.
Then we got kicked out of our house. Ok, not literally. We’ve been living with my in-laws for a year and they decided to put the house up for sale. We had to move it or lose it by July. Talk about stressful! Especially considering we had a baby coming, no money and only four weeks of notice. Luckily, we found a sweet deal on a beautiful townhome and the in-laws wonderfully offered to cover most of the moving cost and deposit.
July: I have no idea how we made it through this month. Can I just say that we both went over and over our budget in June. We knew that there was no way we were going to be able to survive financially this month or the months to follow. Somehow each month we not only ended up in the clear, but with extra. Only God knows what happened there.
So we made the dumb decision to be packed to move before vacation, go on vacation, and move the day after we got back. Yikes! Talk about financial and physical ruin. Not to mention that we had to help the in-laws get the house ready to go on the market before we left. This was a crazy month! We somehow made it.
The best news of this month is baby news. The last week in June I finally started feeling better! I panicked a bit in July when my medication cost changed and I was forced to go it alone. However, I have since made it with not one day of sickness! THANK YOU GOD!!!! I finally had energy and felt a lot less out of my mind. Roen was not only moving, but showing personality and developing habits. My hubby and I had fun playing with him this month.
August: We took another little vacation with no money. My grandparents had their 50th anniversary party and we were told that we were expected to be in attendance. Somehow that all worked out too and we had a lovely time.
Which brings us up to the present. I am now 30 weeks pregnant and getting so close! I’m feeling so good and am so thankful that I finally got a reprieve! I still have problems such as I can no longer sit comfortably for any length of time, I can’t lay on my back, I’m up and down all night, and my toilet is still my friend although this time just because I am literally on a 5-15 minute pee schedule (my toilet paper bill is through the roof!), but that is nothing compared to before. I’m beginning to think that even being kept up all night by a newborn will feel like nothing compared to the first 5 ½ months of pregnancy.
Our problems are now in other areas. I have no idea what I am going to do for a job when this baby comes. I have had absolutely no luck finding a nanny job. I just recently started a temporary, super part time nanny job for a 3 month old and it’s making me second guess even staying home with my son. Children are so much work! Especially infants. Plus, I have this huge desire to teach kids or do church music professionally. I’m really missing not being involved with music at church and really missing teaching kids. I was hoping to find a job before I go on maternity leave, but am quickly realizing that probably won’t happen. I’m trying to find my way and trying to be patient and trust God to provide. He has all summer so surely He won’t just drop us come October. Just trying not to panic, since there really is nothing I can do.
Basically, my life is just on hold until this baby comes and I get settled into a new job. I am just battling fears about if I can handle all of the above and if it will work out. I thought I knew what I had coming or at least an idea. Becoming a parent has been the hardest and scariest thing I could ever imagine. Even though I wouldn’t trade it for the world, it’s not because it’s amazing or fun, but rather because it’s meant to be. And after all, who would send their child back, especially once they began meeting their baby? So my life is just in God’s hands for now. I’m just waiting to see where that takes me and learning to be still and trust.
Of course, looking back at these few months I really have nothing to complain about. I am no longer living with my in-laws, we have a beyond beautiful home that I love, we are able to pay our bills and our rent, and, best of all, I am finally feeling better! I have only gained 15 pounds with this pregnancy and am healthy, tiny, and very happy. I have no complaints.
End of May: Things kind of got better after my last post. I’ve surprisingly only had a few breakdowns so far from pregnancy hormones and that was the big one. Pregnancy wise, things were pretty terrible in May. I have never been so miserable in my entire life! Not much else happened it May. It was mainly a month of surviving pregnancy. I have to admit, I barely made it.
June: Started off with a bang! We found out we were having a boy, little Roen Alexander. I was still sick as a dog, but things were starting to get more fun. My hubby could finally feel the baby moving and somehow knowing the name and sex finally helped me to bond with Roen. I suppose it sounds terrible that after five months I still had not bonded with my little guy, but up to that point I was spending more time with the toilet than with my guy. Thankfully, he finally stopped feeling like a parasite and more like a baby.
Baby finally started taking a back burner this month. First, my closest friend in Colorado found out that her husband of three years had been racking up secret debt since they were married in an amount approaching one million. Ouch. Thankfully, it was all spent on silly little things and not on other women, but still… I’ve since spent most of my summer trying to encourage them and help them try to gather the pieces of their marriage. They are both non-Christians, but it’s been neat watching God work in their lives and pursue them doggedly. I have a feeling things might change in that department soon.
Then we got kicked out of our house. Ok, not literally. We’ve been living with my in-laws for a year and they decided to put the house up for sale. We had to move it or lose it by July. Talk about stressful! Especially considering we had a baby coming, no money and only four weeks of notice. Luckily, we found a sweet deal on a beautiful townhome and the in-laws wonderfully offered to cover most of the moving cost and deposit.
July: I have no idea how we made it through this month. Can I just say that we both went over and over our budget in June. We knew that there was no way we were going to be able to survive financially this month or the months to follow. Somehow each month we not only ended up in the clear, but with extra. Only God knows what happened there.
So we made the dumb decision to be packed to move before vacation, go on vacation, and move the day after we got back. Yikes! Talk about financial and physical ruin. Not to mention that we had to help the in-laws get the house ready to go on the market before we left. This was a crazy month! We somehow made it.
The best news of this month is baby news. The last week in June I finally started feeling better! I panicked a bit in July when my medication cost changed and I was forced to go it alone. However, I have since made it with not one day of sickness! THANK YOU GOD!!!! I finally had energy and felt a lot less out of my mind. Roen was not only moving, but showing personality and developing habits. My hubby and I had fun playing with him this month.
August: We took another little vacation with no money. My grandparents had their 50th anniversary party and we were told that we were expected to be in attendance. Somehow that all worked out too and we had a lovely time.
Which brings us up to the present. I am now 30 weeks pregnant and getting so close! I’m feeling so good and am so thankful that I finally got a reprieve! I still have problems such as I can no longer sit comfortably for any length of time, I can’t lay on my back, I’m up and down all night, and my toilet is still my friend although this time just because I am literally on a 5-15 minute pee schedule (my toilet paper bill is through the roof!), but that is nothing compared to before. I’m beginning to think that even being kept up all night by a newborn will feel like nothing compared to the first 5 ½ months of pregnancy.
Our problems are now in other areas. I have no idea what I am going to do for a job when this baby comes. I have had absolutely no luck finding a nanny job. I just recently started a temporary, super part time nanny job for a 3 month old and it’s making me second guess even staying home with my son. Children are so much work! Especially infants. Plus, I have this huge desire to teach kids or do church music professionally. I’m really missing not being involved with music at church and really missing teaching kids. I was hoping to find a job before I go on maternity leave, but am quickly realizing that probably won’t happen. I’m trying to find my way and trying to be patient and trust God to provide. He has all summer so surely He won’t just drop us come October. Just trying not to panic, since there really is nothing I can do.
Basically, my life is just on hold until this baby comes and I get settled into a new job. I am just battling fears about if I can handle all of the above and if it will work out. I thought I knew what I had coming or at least an idea. Becoming a parent has been the hardest and scariest thing I could ever imagine. Even though I wouldn’t trade it for the world, it’s not because it’s amazing or fun, but rather because it’s meant to be. And after all, who would send their child back, especially once they began meeting their baby? So my life is just in God’s hands for now. I’m just waiting to see where that takes me and learning to be still and trust.
Of course, looking back at these few months I really have nothing to complain about. I am no longer living with my in-laws, we have a beyond beautiful home that I love, we are able to pay our bills and our rent, and, best of all, I am finally feeling better! I have only gained 15 pounds with this pregnancy and am healthy, tiny, and very happy. I have no complaints.
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