Potty Training Continued...

Instead of a quick potty training week, we seem to have settled on training whenever we can find a moment. Of course, the week after I decide to potty train has to be the busiest week in a while. Most days we haven't even been home, much less had time to put on undies. So potty training has stalled a bit.

The good news: He likes the candy, so he is very motivated when we get home to run to the bathroom and ask to pee. Sometimes he actually saved a full bladder and sometimes he just does the tiniest dribble and expects payment. More often the later which gets frustrating. Considering we aren't even training him most days, I am very happy that he's at least taking initiative.

He now is able to tell us when he needs to go. Of course, it's not in normal language. He gives a big "uh oh" and often grabs himself. He'll give 1-3 of those before it's too late. It is a nice change from just having to guess or notice that the room got quiet.

The bad news: We aren't making any progress and he is getting slacker. When we do put on undies, he seems to care a lot less about accidents. These really bothered him before, but I guess we've let him get used to it.

He also has found a way to manipulate the system. Whoever believes young children are angels are crazy. Here we are at 17 months working the system! He has figured out that if he empties it all, he only gets one candy and he's done for a while. But...if he can dribble just a bit, he will need to come back quickly and he'll get candy every time he goes! The result? We are in the bathroom every two minutes...literally. Sigh.

So our next step is to give candy not for peeing, but for staying dry and maybe for peeing a lot. However, who knows when I'm going to have another slue of free days to start working on that. Oh well, if nothing else he is started and has made progress. We still have 16 more weeks until the baby is supposed to be here, so we do have time. It's a start!

Potty Training Days #4-6

If at first you don't succeed...try, try, try, try, try, try and try again.

Finally success! It has been a really long week, but we are finally getting somewhere! Day #4 started out rough and discouraging again. However, after two good refresher courses of how we pee, he ran in there the third time and just went. Just like that.

Throughout the rest of the day, we would visit the potty every 10-15 minutes and he would pee on command. No fussing, no crying, just go. Amazing!

He stayed mostly dry, although he is still having issues emptying all the way. That means he'll drink a big cup of water and then go, but only empty part of it. Then as he's playing he'll start to drip. If mommy doesn't catch it and get him emptied, he'll eventually let it all go for a big accident. However, I've found if I watch and get him to the pot every 10-15 minutes he'll stay mostly dry. Altogether, the day was a breath of fresh air!

Day #5 was pretty much a waste. It landed on a Sunday so we spent the morning at church, afternoon sleeping, and evening needing to run errands in a diaper. However, some positive things we experienced was twice when we were home, he would give a little "oh no!" and run towards the bathroom, in his language asking to go potty. We would strip him and he'd go. More often than not, his diaper would be dry. Good to know he's taking intiative himself!

Day #6 is today! And it has just started, but I won't be there. He is home with daddy today! I will recap any further news later, but we've already had an eventful morning. He continued intiating himself. I was planning on leaving him in a diaper till daddy took over, but first thing he goes running in there asking to go pee. I strip him down and he just lets it fly. By the time daddy got up an hour later, we had already gone three more times and had stayed dry.

However, today was a struggle with two things: emptying his bladder and a rebellious, uncooperative attitude. He had a very full bladder from his milk, yet would only pee a little then demand he was done. I have been trying to teach him that he needs to sit and continue, one squirt just doesn't do it! He has been very resistent to that. We spent most of the morning fighting that he could not get up. He spends so much time and energy fighting it, if he would just cooperate, he can pee quickly and be done. But of course it's never that easy.

I did find that leaving the room made him cooperate faster as there was no one left to argue with. However, that is tricky as he is still popping up and has a tendency to yank the potty bowl up spilling pee everywhere, trying to flush it himself. So I can't leave him for more than a minute yet. Hopefully, I can continue to train him to be more obedient and trustworthy with that.

More about that attitude: I have noticed this entire week since we started training that a little terrible two's monster has risen from inside of him. Children do often act out due to changes or bad things in their lives. Mine apparently is not enjoying this change and is letting me know it. The sweet little son I had last week has been replaced by a roaring dragon demanding independence and disobedience in every aspect of life. He knows mommy is not ok with fit throwing, yet has thrown several in stores this week. He has basically been awful.

Just a word of warning that this may also happen to your child as they are stressed by this big change in their lives. We are slowly working through this attitude and helping him to settle back into an open and obedient heart.

Well, we will see how the rest of today goes. He is with daddy for the very first time potty training. Daddy has never done this before, but is doing pretty good. Although he has already run through 3 pairs of underwear in the hour I have been gone, so we'll see. Unfortunately, potty training is geared more towards mommy's strengths as it takes constant attention and ridiculous patience to catch them before they pee, especially as my guy is not able to catch himself yet. Hang in there daddy!

Potty Training Day #3

Today was another day of struggles. This concept of peeing seems to have alluded my son. This is one of the issues you can run up against training so young. Yet, we are working through it. My son has always been particularly oblivious to the potty process, so this is not necessarily true for the majority of 17 month olds that I have known.

I just determined to keep trying all day. I have figured out his signals for needing to go and also figured out that he likes to lift his leg a little in order to pee. Wonder if there's a link between male dogs lifting their legs, the men lifting a little at the urinal and my son lifting a leg... Either way, it's a little funny, yet helpful.

He kept dry all day with only two accidents! That's right, most kids you have to teach to stay dry, mine I just have to teach to pee. He naturally wants to stay dry, but then his bladder gets so full he starts dripping and eventually lets it all go out of necessity. That's how it went all day. I would try and try to get him to pee, and sometimes I was successful, but he never would empty all the way. So he would drip a bit and we'd run back to the potty and get a little more out.

So in the end, we aren't doing too bad. He has very few accidents and the ones he does have are only drips and obviously out of great need.

We did have one big one when we had a visitor overstay their welcome. I found that I cannot get him to focus on peeing when there is someone else in the house. I was just walking them out the door, preparing to run with him to the bathroom, when he just let loose. It was a big one! He is such an OCD thing though that he goes "oh no!" and then runs for a towel to clean. :) That one was definitely not his fault and those sort of accidents are just to be expected.

So all in all, we are making progress. I am a little frustrated as I had hoped the progress to move faster. I also am walking new territory as I've never had a child that just cannot figure out how to pee and refuses to try as it's uncomfortable.

Sorry if this is convoluted and confusing. I am having to get up every paragraph or so for another bathroom break. In fact, time to run again now!

Potty Training Day #2

My son still believes that peeing anywhere, especially the potty is the worst sin to commit. Yep, he is committed to dirtying his poor little potty at all costs!

After a long struggle with this yesterday and still having initial problems in the morning, I got desperate. I had heard a method where you use dolls to practice peeing on the potty and even give them candy for succeeding. I needed some way to show him peeing in the potty was actually good as he didn't believe even our biggest congratulations at his drips, so the dolls came out.

Or rather his favorite monkey. I got a cup, hid it behind the monkey and the monkey sat down on the potty and "peed". We both congratulated monkey on a job well done and gave him some candy. I noticed my son's eyes lighting up, but wasn't sure if it worked. Until he ran to his bedroom and started bringing out more animals. We had several pees and then had him take a turn. And it worked! Sort of...

Now he'll pee on demand, but just one squirt. Obviously he has more than just one squirt in that bulging bladder. After working all morning trying to get him to pee more, we got monkey to potty in squirts and then give more when mommy asked. No luck.

In the end, we spent the majority of the day with me demanding that he stay on the potty until he had emptied it, not just popping right back up. He played the drama king and screamed the whole way, but I noticed when he screamed he inadvertently peed. So I just encouraged the squirts and celebrated them and turned a deaf ear to his screams. At that point, his bladder needed release any way we could get it. I figured he wasn't actually being harmed in any way or being made to sit too long, in fact, I wasn't even scolding him, but being upbeat and encouraging. He just flat out didn't want to and I told tough. Sometimes our kids need to hear tough.

This went on most of the day. Finally, he woke up from second nap around five and we went at it again. Except this time no screaming...and this time he would pee long strings and more if I asked! He did great all night with some initial accidents where he'd start before he realized, but we got the rest in the potty. I was more than happy with that!

I have learned again and again when you feel discouraged and sure it won't work to keep going as you're about to make a breakthrough. I felt like quitting all day and am so glad I didn't!

Now that we can actually pee in the potty now I hope to make some bigger progress. However, after yesterday's traumatic day, I am still sitting here typing putting off the morning change over to undies. :)

One more thing, I have always trained with a timer, but this time I found it just didn't work. Since we were dealing with a still full bladder, he needed to go more often than I could time. I learned to watch his signals instead. It took a day or so, but I'm finally understanding his signals to pee. Eventually we'll switch over to a timer, but for now I found this is working great! Just takes moms full attention 24/7...

Ok, no more procrastinating. Off to start Day #3!

Potty Training Day #1

The adventure has started! We started with only an afternoon and evening to work with, but we got plenty done. We went straight to undies and started a schedule for pottying.

Some things I learned so far:

1. There are general principles that always work and it's always good to read up on other's ideas, but know that every kid is different and will need a mix of every method.

2. It is TONS harder to potty train your kid than someone else's. Think about it. When you were with another caregiver, didn't you behave so much better? Didn't you have twice the bravery when they asked you to do something hard? When it's not your kid, isn't it easier to institute tough love?

I read every tip I could get my hands on, potty trained many, many children and I still ran up against something I've never seen before. I have been suspecting for a while that my son is a neat freak. Yeah, let's just call it what it is now, downright OCD!

We started the day out fine. One pee immediately in the potty like he was born to do it. Then waiting, waiting, waiting. At first I thought he didn't need to go, then I realized he was holding it for dear life! After a series of little accidents, I started realizing the problem.

Even though I made a big effort to keep the training positive and only gave him nice admonitions of "oh no!" that pee was not to be in his pants or on the floor, he seems to have taken the idea of pee being bad and run with it!

Now he considers all pee to be bad, on the floor, in the toilet, and even in his diaper. Yep, we finally put him in a diaper after dinner to let him relieve his full bladder and he kept getting upset when he'd leak in there a little.

How do you potty train a guy who refuses to use the potty for sanitary reasons?

The next day just got better...worse.

Potty Training is Still Coming!!!

We had a minor set back with scheduling that made me wait another week to start our big potty training adventure. It really is essential to find as empty of a week as possible to start. A week where you can just sit in the bathroom all day if needed and order take out for dinner. Well, this is our week! I have another half day of work tomorrow and then 4 full days to try to get some good basic training in. After that, he'll be handed over to a day with daddy and a day in daycare...both of which make me kind of nervous. So I'm praying for some fast training!

I don't know how working moms ever get this done. Oh wait, back in my daycare days we did it for them. That sounds kind of nice right now... Still, potty training is a lot of work!

I had some positive things happen this week. My babysitter voiced strong approval in this venture and happens to share my beliefs in early training. She's a pretty new sitter, so I wasn't completely sure how she'd take it. My husband, while I think overwhelmed thinking about the process and still having no idea what he's getting himself into, is also very supportive. Goodness, just looking at a possible diaper bill with two gets both of us motivated! My son has made some good strides even in these last two weeks that we've waited in development that I believe will be helpful. In fact, he'll officially be 17 months next week..closing in on that easier 18 month mark!

And yet...the one downside is really dragging me down. My son still isn't grasping when he's peeing, cannot pee on command, and is not very interested in the process besides the candy (not that we've really spent that much time working on this stuff). I know this is common and inevitable to some extent, but it's really making me question my resolve.

Don't get me wrong, I completely believe in the process and know he is ready. The question is, is mom...? If this doesn't work out, will my schedule be able to handle this extreme potty training beyond my 4 days off? Will dad and I be able to handle these next few weeks of constant attention to bathroom habits? This has been a nail biter of a decision for me...literally.

The thing is, it would be a lot easier to just put this off a few weeks... It's funny how long that inner questioning of a parent's decisions and just plain procrastination can put this process off! I hear of more four year olds training these days...

However, I don't know when I'll get another "free" week like this, so I'm going to buckle down and give it my best effort! Hopefully this doesn't become a blog about failure with early potty training. :)

Potty Training - Prep Day

Well, I kind of messed myself up with this potty training deal. I am a part-time working momma and therefore have a big chunk of my week where it's just not wise to start potty training as I won't be there. I knew I was on the last of my free days, but just wanted to catch a pee in the potty. I thought that was as far as it would go. However, my son kind of ran with it... So despite our success yesterday, my son is back in diapers today and will have to wait a few more days before we officially begin our big potty training marathon. Not idea, but we'll make it work.

Here's how yesterday went:

After afternoon nap, I decided that snack time was a perfect opportunity to finally catch that pee we've been trying for all week. It often takes just one pee in that potty to really be able to start. At this age, they have no clue what you're doing until they see how they peed at least once.

Let's back up a little now and explain the pre-training work. I've had the potty chair in our bathroom for months now. I helped my son practice sitting on it and made a big deal about how it was his potty and differentiated it from mommy and daddy's potty. He gets his own special frog potty! He has played with it and enjoys sitting on it. Part one: get over fear of sitting on potty. Check!

For the past few weeks, I've known I wanted to start training pretty soon. Every now and again I would help him undress and sit on his potty while I sat across on mine. Of course, he never actually did anything, but we practiced going potty together. When he started getting resistent to the idea, I broke down and rewarded him with candy if he sat for a little while. That changed everything. :) Part two: get over fear of sitting on potty naked. Check!

This last week, I have been hoping to catch a pee in the potty. For several days now I have been sitting him down every time I have to go and encouraging him to go pee. Of course, he didn't really understand. We would clap for momma and check out how she went pee, but nothing from baby. I kept just missing the pee or he'd hold it so he didn't have to go in the scary potty.

Finally yesterday, I got smart...or desperate. A good way to make them need to go pee is to get them full of fluids. It was snack time, so we got a big cup of gatorade (I only let him drink water or milk so this was a special treat) and a snack cup and we went to sit on the john. I read books, played finger games and just waited for the inevitable. After the second cup, he had a HUGE belly, but was resisting with all of his might. It's scary to pee in weird, new situations! He was even dripping, but not go. 30 minutes later he just has to let go! Now, I'm not an advocate for letting your kids sit forever. You really have to watch it because their legs go numb and that's painful! However, we switched positions around and he could touch the floor, so his legs were fine. Sometimes that first one just takes time.

A celebration exploded in our bathroom at the sight of that pee! In fact, he was so startled that he stopped. :) He got a good bit in there, but as I was later to find out that was a very small part of his very full bladder. Beware of that. He got two pieces of candy for his troubles. We emptied the pee in the potty and celebrated flushing it down. He still didn't quite understand what had happened, but he was starting to get it.

I got a wild hair and decided to throw those training undies on. We talked about they were dry and touched the comfy softness of the dry undies. I set a timer for 10 minutes...however, I didn't realize at that point just how full his bladder still was. 5 minutes later he looks horrified as he feels wetness running (ok, squirting) everywhere. Most children HATE the feeling of wet undies! He was already done so we didn't run to the potty (although this is a good first step), but said his big phrase "oh know!" and talked about how that made a mess. I had him touch his undies to see they were wet. (Note: not appropriate to rub them in it or on their face. That's gross. Just help them to understand kindly that it's wet. It's an idea of wet vs. dry, NOT a punishment.) I had him help me clean it up (it's important that they realize their messes create work and they will have to do some of it, sanitarily of course.). Then we went and tried again on the potty to see if there was more.

No luck. So we got back in undies and set the timer for 10 minutes. He still wasn't done. You'd think mommy would have caught on. 5 minutes later just as he starts he goes "oh no!". We rush to the bathroom. He had stopped by then, but by waiting for a little while we got another big pee in the potty! Big celebration! If they fail and succeed all at once, celebrate the success, get past the failure.

Well, the afternoon continued on like that. In the end, we had a total of 3 in the potty, 4 out of the potty. This is really typical for the first day or so. However, by the end of the day we had learned where pee comes out, where it's ok to pee, what it feels like to pee, and what the rewards and downsides were to following or not following the potty training rules. He was very proud of himself and so was mommy! The last time, he didn't take very long and peed like a pro!

One other word of advice, if they won't pee in front of you, maybe they're just nervous. It's hard to pee on command when someone is watching. The last time, I caught on to this so I left the room instructing him to pee. A few seconds later I hear some excited chatter. I came back to a very full little potty chair! A little trick I learned, don't make a habit of hanging out in the bathroom. If you leave, they will be able to sit longer and the privacy (and boredom) often causes a quicker result. Or feel free to leave them with some books or toys to play with. Just once you feel that they are ready, let them try. At some point, they need those apron strings to be let out and to realize this potty thing is their own responsibility.

So that's my word on our first potty day. We will continue trying this week, but in a few days when I have a few off days in a row we will go straight undies all day (except sleeping) and just get this done!

Potty Training

I know potty training does not really fall into my typical blog subject matter nor is interesting to any of my readers, but I've found that good information on potty training early is impossible to find. So I thought I'd give my voice to the cause.

I am starting to potty train and my son is 16 months old. Yep, you heard right, 16 months. I have found less disbelief and more disgust and loathing over the fact that I would rope my son into growing up so early.

These days it is the general thought that potty training is not done until 2 1/2. To train before is damaging, inappropriate and downright impossible. The funny thing is we all forget that our grandmothers potty trained our parents that early. Early used to be the rage. Here's why:

1. My biggest reason is that I am due with a baby when my son is 20 months old. It's not a matter of luxury not to have 2 in diapers...I just can't afford it!

2. My mother, grandmother, etc. potty train by 18 months old. It's just what they've done with all of us kids (my cousins included). None of us have potty problems or low self-esteem from pottying early. In fact, my matriarchs swear by it!

3. By the time kids reach 2 they are used to sitting in their own mess. They are also used to their own way. They are much more capable and prone to being rebellious about new things. Basically, they understand a little better so yes it is easier to get them to grasp the concept, but you're going to fight with them more once they realize what you're asking of them. 3 is even worse!

4. It's just easier! The thing is, all moms dread potty training. It is a little time consuming the first week or so getting them to the bathroom, but time and again moms find that once they are trained it's a breath of relief. Yes, you have to be near a bathroom, but it still makes life so much easier to just sit and flush! And it's such an amazing feeling of pride when your child passes that hurdle.

So why the heck do I know what I'm talking about? Well, partially just from the women who came before me. My grandmother trained all of her children, all of her grandchildren (minus my family) and many daycare children. My mother trained her children and literally (no lie) about 50 daycare children. They both also gave advice to countless mothers and helped them train early.

In addition, I've done it myself! Throughout most of my teen life my mother ran a home daycare. Now being homeschooled I was expected to help with the family business and do my homework in between times (only because I was able to do so without my work suffering). Even after going away to highschool, I was expected to spend my days off, even sick days helping with the mass of children in our house.

Now my mother is the type that delegates. Guess what that meant? She would make the decision to potty train, give me instructions and I would do the dirty work. It made sense for her to stay with the majority, but yes I was in charge of potty training. Never in charge of the decision making of the process, but I've seen/helped with countless kids getting potty trained. I've seen what works and what doesn't.

Needless to say, I've read a few books in preparation for my son's training thinking I'd find some great wisdom since they were published after all. A bunch of crap or reiteration of what we did was what I found.

So for those of you who would like to know what works from a ton of experience rather than one dad/mom posting their opinions from their limited experience and scientific studies...

Here's what works:

- M&Ms baby! They are magic. Now my son is allergic to dairy which posses a big problem for us. We're working on gummie bears right now, but nothing is quite as alluring as M&Ms. More on how our candy struggle goes.

- Cloth training pants or undies. You can add plastic pants if you need them not to leak, but the ability to leak and make an uncomfortable mess is essential.

- Training chair, potty ring, whatever is necessary. Don't just set them up on the big potty. The one exception is my mother now swears by placing them on the big potty backwards so they can hold onto the back, not feel like they're falling and this points boys downwards. I haven't tried it and am personally starting with a chair.

- A high (real high) pee guard for boys. Moms, you know how high your boys can spray! No imagine at a toilet angle...

- Consistency and dedication! Make your plan, tell them your terms and stick to it!

Here's what doesn't work:

- Pull-ups. This is just an easier diaper. If they don't feel that mess they are making, they won't care. They're used to messing diapers, why would a pull-up change anything? It just perpetuates the behavior and makes it to where they don't understand why you are insisting things change.

- Shaming or discipline for potty mistakes. Potty training needs to be an encouraging process. There is a difference between realizing that "Oh know! You made a mess on the floor!" and then kindly helping them to clean up and reiterating how to do it next time (in the potty), versus "You nasty child, you peed your pants like a baby! Shame on you!". This just makes them afraid of the potty process and will lead to things like holding, nervous wetting, and back sliding. They need to know they made a mistake, but also that it's fixable and understandable as they are just learning! Obviously, a lot of parents with stubborn kids hit a wall well through the process when the child decides they don't want to anymore. At that point, some discipline might be necessary, but please keep in mind where the discipline could lead. We're also talking way....down the potty training road. Check out the emotional or physical reasons behind their failures first.

- Trying to potty train a little here or there. This is an easy out for parents and just confuses the kids. It also teaches them a message that potty training is optional and not that important. You can try it, but it'll take you a year at least to get the finished product.

**Disclaimers. I am not a trained psychologists so no I technically don't have a degree to give advice with. Just don't it more than just about any psychologist I'm willing to bet.

One other thing I'd like to make clear is that you cannot work against a child's developmental abilities. When I talk about potty training as early as 16 months there are some areas I know we will not be able to conquer. For instance, it takes kids quite a while to develop the bladder size and control to go dry overnight or over nap. I do not believe that is appropriate to closer to 2, some kids even later. It is also with the understanding that at this age they do not have complete control over how to potty or even what they are doing. This age is more mommy training to help them get on the pot consistently and help them see how their body works.

For instance, today I finally got some pees in the potty from my son. Starting out, he had no idea that he peed out of his boy part or how to do it on command. His body just took care of it. By the end of the day (really just an afternoon), he was amazed to watch pee come out of him, realized what the pee feeling was like so he knew as it started what was happening, knew that pottying on the floor made messes and immediately upon starting would get concerned (he hates messes), and finally was beginning to realize that he could pee when he wanted on the pot.

They are smart! Give them some credit. They learn fast and they don't have to understand the process before you start. What better way to learn it than with mommy and daddy guiding them through the process making it fun and magical?

I realize my opinions are not popular and that people can successfully potty train with other methods. However, mine are tried and true and it's what I'm going to do. So for the rest of you "old fashioned" moms out there, here's some of that advice that you haven't been finding!

Follow along through my next posts as I tell the story of our progress.

Sometimes God Answers with a Bang

As I was despairing today in my earlier post, I was commenting on how being a good wife/mother is an impossible task. It is especially hard when there are a million self-help books written on how to be a godly wife/mother, each espousing a different to-do list of how to be THE godly wife/mother. How in the world do you know what's correct or even where to start?

Normally, when I ask God questions I get to wait a few years before I find my answer. Today was my lucky day! As I posted my blog article and signed off, I switched over to facebook. I could hardly see the home feed through my tears of despair and yet I happened to notice a sermon a friend had posted about the Proverbs 31 wife. I've certainly heard a lot of promotion for the Proverbs 31 concept and decided to give it try.

It was a sermon by Rachel Held Evans given at Mars Hill Church. While I'm not sure I hold to everything Ms. Evans promotes, her sermon was exactly what I needed to hear. In fact, I shared it on facebook for my other mom friends.

The crux of her message was that our culture (especially the Christian culture) has a tendancy to come up with blueprints or to-do lists that make a perfect woman. We have this Joan Cleaver vision in our head of the woman who has perfect children, a perfect house, a tiny waist and a happy hubby. We even find these perfect women in the Bible (such as the Proverbs 31 woman) and dedicate ourselves to following their holy lead.

Yet, if we stop and really search the Scriptures, we will find no such perfect blueprint. If we try to look at those women's lives exactly as Scripture tells them, we will find darkness, failure, and characteristics that are adverse to our culture. Ruth was a bossy, bold woman who took the bull by the horns. You find in Scripture that Boaz actually submitted to her in marriage rather than the other way around. She was no "yes dear" kind of wife! In fact, she was in almost every way adverse to our culture and her culture's idea of a good wife. Even the Proverbs 31 woman has interesting aspects when you look at the actual Hebrew and find the more accurate translation describes her as militaristic and conquesting.

In other words, why are we modeling ourselves against these perfect woman? Does it say anywhere in the Bible, be like Ruth or mystery Proverbs lady? There is no exact blueprint for being a wife/mother.

Why are we trying to be like all of these heroic women? Sure it's good to pick up good habits and wisdom from godly women and men before us, but why are they our perfect example? Isn't Christ supposed to be filling that spot?

In fact, God has a to-list for us. Jesus broke it down for us with two commands: LOVE the Lord your God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength and LOVE your neighbor as yourself.

Hmm... You will need to hear the sermon to connect the dots more accurately than my poorly constructed explanation, but here is what I have learned:

I am responsible for being the best person I can be with God's help, guidance, and grace.

I am only responsible to God and my family, not to the Joan Cleever ideal or any others who judge me.

I am indeed responsible as a woman/mother/wife/servant of God in the following areas:

1. To love my God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength.
2. To love my husband and all that that entails, whether it be submission and respect or making his lunch and not nagging at his faults.
3. To love my children and teach them to love my God. This includes discipline and training (which are private pet peeves on my personal Cleaver to-do list), yet also includes fun, love, joy, laughter, and time. I will not do it perfectly, but it is my job to do the best that I can.
4. To serve God in areas beyond my family as he has individually called me to do. I am to do my best in these areas, not sacrificing my other jobs as a wife/mother, but also not forsaking my calling either. I will be a good friend, teach my kid's choir, and serve the people God puts into my life with purpose, love and joy.
5. I am responsible for me. If I am not reaching my full potential or focused on unnecessary things, it is my job to change that. Obviously, I cannot do that without God's strength as I am very weak, but no one else can do it for me.

And that's it. Big list? Yes. But not a lot of items. You know why? Instead of 1,000,000 books, 10 easy ways, or becoming a new woman in 31 days, I can boil this list down to one word.

LOVE

That is my job. To love. Is it an uncomplicated or easy job? Nope! The most complicated and hardest. But I need not try to find the answer or a blueprint. All I need is just one word. LOVE.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
I John 4:7-8

Eschet chayil!

http://marshill.org/teaching/2012/03/11/ruth-2v10-23-eshet-chayil/

Homemaking is the Hardest Job in the World!

Ok, so that might be a slight exaggeration, but it feels very true at the moment. How does one go from a failure as a wife/mother, to the wife/mother with others on her mind, God as her main focus, and a work ethic that does not put her to shame? That is the big question of the day.

Today, I find motherhood exhausting and monotonous; being a wife is impossible and infuriating, yet guilt inducing all at once; and worst, I find being a Christian non-existent. How do I turn around a life dedicated to ease and getting through today to a life dedicated to God and the bigger picture?

I can recognize there is a big problem in our home and I am motivated to fix it. However, I find the list of "fixes" to be daunting and depressing. Rather than what to fix, the better question in my home right now is what actually doesn't need fixing? How does one even decide where to start! Much less know how to go about it.

And who is there to help women through this?

Where are the godly women who have been there? Where are the MOPS groups that aren't run by a bunch of young ladies playing at being housewives? Where are the moms that I respect who could give advice? Seems like all of the moms I know these days are either ones with worse problems, a slack-progressive ideal of child rearing, or those disgusting completely stay-at-home moms who's biggest fear is forgetting the sunscreen on their weekly trip to the pool or which Christmas wreath to put on their door. Where are the women who slave away working multiple jobs, trying to deligently and gracefully raise their children, working at some semblance of a healthy relationship with their husbands, all while seeking the heart of God? How is that even possible!

I really hate reading non-fiction, self-help books, but today I turned to amazon for advice in response to the vacuum from my own Christian community. Searching for something useful from some strange author out there made me even more depressed.

I suppose in the end I should be looking to God for encouragement, answers and help with change. Yet, a mom needs someone, a friend by her side, encouraging her through this impossible yet holy job that is wife and motherhood.

Maybe someday I can be that mom to another drowning young mother. In the meantime, God it would be fantastic if you would send someone special my way!

Life is Unfair

From our youngest moments we have a grasp of what fairness means. We are all quick to yell "That's not fair!" over the slightest injustice. I remember adults always telling me, "Life isn't fair. That's just the way it is. Get over it!" In fact, this is a motto I've learned to live by. My personality naturally goes with the flow and brushes off the little wrongs and slights as "just life"...ok, at least the daily injustices.

However, those big moments of unfairness still get to me. I've had plenty of them this week and find my heart shouting "Unfair! Unfair!" From the big speeding ticket where I sped up to get out of an accident right as I passed that graceless cop to the old best friend who walked away spitefully and took with her all of our friends that started out as mine.

Both instances are times where I have a strong defense. Except nobody listens. It's like those nightmares where you are just searching for someone who will listen to you and yet you realize you are a ghost that nobody sees. That cop wasn't interested in any explanation. It's not very gracious to go out of your way to muddy the name of a friend even when that's exactly what they've done to you. No point in joining them in petty childishness.

And yet, "Unfair! Unfair! Unfair!" *Sniff*

As I sit there stewing and scheming for revenge or at least forced justice, I hear the whisper of God in my heart to love and forgive. I hate that whisper. And yet, that whisper has wrapped me in loving, forgiving arms many times this week. From a husband who, not knowing the hurt from my friends, chose the perfect moment to speak extra special words of love and commitment to the unexpected forgiveness I felt after an evening of short temper with my son.

God is slowly coaxing the anger out of my soul and teaching me to just let it go. Not an easy thing to do.

It still hurts though. It hurts to watch your close friends drift away and to feel lonely. It hurts to know it's time to start at square one and find new friends, even when I see God putting some specific, wonderful people in my path that will be better choices. Life just hurts and it's not fair.

But I will accept my lot. It sure could be worse. Today I'll embrace the wonderful blessings I do have and love not only the ones who love me in return, but also those who have been so unfair and hurtful this week.

Warning! Ramblings of a Desperately Pregnant Mother Ahead!

When a baby happens, nothing else does. Just getting through the first (all three) trimesters of a pregnancy takes all of you. There is a tiny bit left at the end of the day. Just a sprinkling of attention for your baby, a quick kiss for your hubby, a tiny little burst of energy some days to even cook dinner, followed by a few short hours before you go to bed early. This is sadly just the way life is for a pregnant mom. A life full of sitting on the couch trying not to be sick, trying desperately not to fall asleep while the toddler is awake, trying to find energy to feed your family and yourself, basically just trying and rarely succeeding.

Which begs the question, what happens to all of the things that a mom is supposed to be doing that are not included in this list? Well, my house is a wreck…and I do mean in a biohazardly way. The daily chores that must be done such as dishes are done by my loving, yet tired husband. My son learns how to play with himself or brings games to wherever mommy is plopped. We pay for everyone else to make us food. I am lucky to show up at church or to mutter a quick prayer for mercy and Bible reading becomes a rare luxury.

To some extent, this is just what happens when you’re pregnant. Nothing you can do about it. But there does come a day where you need to stand up and fight for your family regardless of how crappy you feel. I feel like that day came and went a long time ago in my house. My poor family is still struggling along without me and we’re just at week 15!

As my energy starts slowly coming back, I’ve found myself constantly convicted in a new way about disciplines I am lacking. In one short week, I’ve been hit by the following long list:

1. Procrastination. I am the queen of it. This procrastination has digressed into 30 days late on bills and a depression that would rather watch a show than face the overwhelming list of things I’m holding off till later.

2. Motherhood. I’ve found myself spending my days trying to distract from life and demanding that my precious child leave me alone while I indulge. I can’t remember the last time I’ve read him a book. I have some pretty good excuses, but when it comes to your child…no excuse is good enough.

3. Laziness and Whining. These go hand in hand because they both desperately affect my husband. Again, I feel miserable. I have constant reasons to sit in misery and whine about my plot. Does that mean that my husband likes coming home night after night to a cold kitchen, sink full of dishes and a whiny wife? Right
now, my husband is doing his job and mine. That’s ok for a little while in the
crisis of pregnancy, but it’s time I took my job back and started caring for
him instead.

4. Where is God at? Boy have I been hit left and right with spiritual convictions this week! The reason is that my life is full of bad actions, but it’s not really the actions that I need to address. The root of the problem is my heart. There are no godly thoughts in my heart. God seems to be at the bottom of my list these days. How can I fix my life when I’m still a broken mess myself?

5. Worship. I got dragged (kicking and screaming)to an international kid’s choir performance this week. I was put to shame. Here were these kids 5-15 years of age who stood up there and worshiped like I haven’t in years. When was the last time I cared enough to worship God?

6. Music. There are always little indulgences that you have in your life that you swear you’ll give up once you have kids. You know they aren’t good for you and you certainly don’t want your kids exposed to them, but you’ll just indulge in them for now. Except once you have a kid, you realize that they’re too young at first to understand, so you keep it up. The first months turn into the first years and excuses keep coming. For me, this was music. I have a love for the radio. My musical tastes do not include the amateur world of Christian music and I deplore the Christian radio stations. So I listen to the “better” stuff filled with crap on the radio. My son loves it, too! Rap songs, rock songs, anything with a beat. He jams and sings along in the back seat. Seems like such a little thing right? Yet what sort of example am I setting for him? I listened to a dear friend’s teenage daughter this week go on and on about her hero Lady Gaga and other less than classy influences. I saw the way it affected her attitude, made her open to the message they were singing, how it shaped her world view. I might sound like a crazy conservative(goodness, I feel like an old lady conservative right now!), but it all became clear. It hit me the consequences of such a tiny indulgence. Do I really think it appropriate for my young son to grow up hearing about oral sex, drugs, violence, disrespect of woman, casual sex, all of the things that our family stands against? Everything that stands against the family. It’s not appropriate and my dial has sadly stayed on the Christian station ever since. Funny thingis, I’ve actually enjoyed it a lot more than I thought.

Well, that is my long winded confession. Needless to say, it’s been quite a week. The amazing thing about convictions is that they often come with the breath of God giving energy, hope, love, and a small voice that leads from depression over the bad to a remembrance of who you are in Him. In other words, I feel liberated from my depression over my failures; my extreme tiredness; my loveless heart; my lazy mind; my wicked soul; and instead feel ready to start conquering this list. Is life all better now? Ha. Still feeling ick; have a little more energy, but still tire easily; still give in to the tv or radio every now and then; still struggling. But this time I know what I’m fighting and I know that I can win. All I can say is a deep heartfelt “Thank you God!” I certainly couldn’t have gotten up off my butt on my own.

July…come quickly please!

Yep, I'm Crazy!

Those one or two of you who actually read my blog know how much I hate pregnancy. With every fiber of my being! Remember how I talked about God's funny little brainwashing that causes women to have warm fuzzy feelings about getting another little bundle of joy? It's so true. For some reason I'm pregnant again. That's right, already. My son will be 20 months old when we welcome our next bundle of joy. Oddly enough, I'm really excited. This time around is different. Don't get me wrong, I still hate every moment of pregnancy, but I've learned some things since last time: 1. IT IS WORTH IT! Last time I honestly questioned this often. I can honestly say that I would be pregnant many times just to have my one little boy. Does that make it less hard or more fun? Heck no. But at least I'm not afraid of the light at the end of the tunnel this time around. 2. This time I know what to expect. From the first glance at that little plus sign, I knew exactly what hell awaited me. I fell like this time it was my choice to deal with this instead of just being surprised by the yuckiness handed to me. 3. Distraction. Talk about distracted this time around! A young baby and four jobs leave me with very little time to think about what's going on in my body. I have already done this. This time I don't need to remember every moment of this monumentous occasion. In fact, I'm purposefully trying to not dwell on this in hopes that the time will go faster. I'm trying not to count down the weeks. I'm trying to only dwell on the positive and focus more on life here and now. Enjoy my time with just my son, enjoy the little freedom I still have left, leave the worrying for later. 4. I can do this! The knowledge that I have already accomplished this, that I am actually super woman, is actually very comforting. There are new worries and hardships that come with another child, but pregnancy is the hardest part and I know now I've got this! The good news is that this time around the nausea seems a little better. Not sure if it's just I know how bad it can get so my measuring stick has changed or maybe I've got a little girl growing this time...? Who knows, but I'll take what I can get! Countdown to July, please begin and go fast! Here's hopes and prayers for a better pregnancy this time around!

First Steps

My little boy took his first steps yesterday.

I have been looking forward to his first steps for a long time. It's after all one of those big events and milestones that you write in the babybook. Except it was a lot bigger than I thought.

Kind of like your love as a parent. You know that when you have kids you will love them with an undescribeable love. You know it's coming. But when it comes...it's stronger and more joyous than you could ever imagine.

It may sound cheesy, but watching my little boy walk was one of the greatest moments in my life.

There is just something special about first steps. It's that first step towards becoming a grown up. First step towards independence. First step towards humanity. Sadly, first step away from mommy.

Even Roen seemed to feel that this was an extra special accomplishment. Every time he walked the distance between his parents, he grinned this gigantic, proud grin that seemed to say a lot more than "Look at me!" This morning my husband and I noticed that he wasn't just cruising the couch. No, he was cruising with a newfound confidence. In fact, he was downright parading himself around that couch knowing that he could let go and continue going...if he wanted. :)

It was a rite of passage like I didn't expect. Like adolescence, his first car, his first drink, his first love. It all started with his first steps.

There are all sorts of "first steps" in life. I wonder if God feels the same way about our steps? What an amazing thought. What an amazing experience this week!

That Nasty Little Voice

Has anyone ever told you you couldn't do something? Have you been told you are a failure and need to re-direct your energies? If you're anything like me, that nasty little voice pops up into your head and eventually you start believing it.

I have always been very gifted musically. There really hasn't been anything I can't do. Ever since I was little I dreamed about composing. My mom tells me I would make up songs on the playground and perform them for my family.

In college, I couldn't wait to take my composition class and become a good or at least functional composer! Until my composition professor became that nasty little voice.

My composition class was the hardest class of my college career. No matter what I wrote, I could not please my professor. I remember meetings in his office where he would tell me how I had no talent in composing and was impossible. He never used those exact words and never meant to be cruel, but...

The brightest day of my college career was oddly in composition class. I worked so so sooo hard on an arrangement of my favorite Christmas song, trying desperately to get back in my professor's good graces. At my weekly office visit, he told me I was doing great. He praised my song in front of the whole class and made us all play through it several times. I was so excited when I saw the A on the cover! Or even a B!

C-?!?! Yep, worst grade in the class yet and worse than everyone around me. What the heck?! My best got me a C-.

I decided that day that I should just give up composing.

Yet all of a sudden I'm feeling very pricked to get at it again. I direct a children's choir and have found that all of the musicals being published are stupid, cliche, and doctrinally weak if not crazy. For quite some time now, I have been passionate about writing my own musicals.

I was planning on giving out the music portion to a friend, however that fell through. I also gave away the script to my husband because he's much better at that sort of thing. Now I'm left with the music myself and feeling like I really need to just do it. But that nasty little voice says I can't!

I know that I am no Handel or Mozart or even Coldplay, but maybe I can at least do an adequate job. Maybe I can do this. I feel like I should. I guess it's time to punch that nasty voiced professor in the face!

Stupid Office Injuries

I am a workman's comp nightmare. I have several jobs worth of co-workers that know this about me. No, I don't work with any heavy machinery so I haven't ripped off a limb or anything yet. However, my ability to hurt myself with the smallest desktop staples (pun not intended, but accepted) is legendary.

Oh sure, I get all of the typical office injuries: tendonitis (in both wrists), stubbed toes, banged body parts, scratches, even a twisted ankle and knee once. The problem is that those are only the beginning. Here's a list of just the unusual injuries that I can remember:

• Stappled my thumb.


• Cut myself with scissors multiple times


• Smashed my finger while whole punching


• Cardboard cuts


• Intense paper cuts off plan paper which got close to slitting my wrist


• Cut off half my thumb nail with the paper cutter (The only reason I have escaped worse mutilation from that thing is that I'm terrified of it!)


• Burned on copier parts


• Several bumps on the head (one actually creating a raised egg) from the phone


• Cut from paper clip


• Stabbed with pen


• Missed my chair sitting down


• Cut my finger along with the tape on the dispenser

And now my latest...well...I think I saved the best for last.

• Snapped my eyeball with a rubber band.

Yes, this is actually possible. Come to find out a rubber band can break and snap back before you have time to blink.

I was putting a thin rubber band around something and it broke. The end whipped back catching me perfectly on my bare eyeball. There is now a stinging red spot on my eye. Feels similar to the time that a little girl in my afterschool ministry sliced my eyeball with her fingernail making it bleed for about 30 minutes...

Sound like a 4th Stooge? I really don't think I'm clumsy. Not normally. In fact, I pride myself on being somewhat graceful. Maybe I need to re-think that...

The terrifying question keeps running through my head...what's next...?

I Have an Excuse!

Yes, I have been absent for a while. I know that I promised to write more and then promptly stopped writing. I do have an excuse!

I started another blog. Yes, I do feel like a dirty cheater, but it's turned out quite nicely for me. Remember how I was whining about not having a purpose for my blog? Ding ding ding! I have a special purpose! (For those of you who haven't seen The Jerk with Steve Martin...you need to.)

Since I got married I started gaining weight. I'm convinced marriage makes you fat. You know what makes you even fatter? Pregnancy! My son is now 9 months old (can you believe it?!) and I am still rather...large. Or at least I feel that way.

I started a diet. It actually is going pretty well. However, I knew I needed accountability...and I had a couple of people ask me how I was doing it...and all of a sudden, I had my purpose!

So I started all over again with my brand new weight loss blog. My blog is about dieting in a realistic fashion by making small life long changes that build on each other. In the process, I have lost 6 pounds and am averaging 1 pound per week! Not bad, considering the lack of effort I've had to put into my diet.

How am I doing it? Well, you'll just have to join my cheating ways and read the blog to find out. :)

http://therealisticdieter.blogspot.com

The Best Gift

It’s funny how someone you have never met can impact your life so greatly.

When I was a kid, I don’t remember ever wishing for toys or money or looks that my friend’s had. You know what I envied? Their grandparents. Oh sure, I had grandparents. I had one complete set left. They were quite the pair. Everyone’s family is dysfunctional, but mine… Not only was my immediate family terribly scarred by the things they had done to my mother, but they continued to fail me.

I distinctly remember noticing at a very early age that my grandmother never told me she loved me. I remember waiting for years for those words, the anger growing. Finally, at the age of 12 she finally said them. 12 years… It’s not like we had a “bad” relationship with them. We saw them every Christmas and many holidays. They bought me gifts and sometimes did random things that were nice. But they were never there for me. They never loved me like a grandparent should. I watched my friends with their grandparents who loved them and oh it burned!

What’s worse is that I had those grandparents. My father’s parents were godly, wonderful people. When I was a little girl, I am told that I loved my granddad and he doted on me. By the time I could remember him, he had severe Parkinsons and Alzheimers. I remember visiting him in the nursing home and receiving blank stares or random pats for a little girl he didn’t know existed. I loved him dearly, but he just wasn’t able to be there.

Then there is my grandmother. She is the woman I never met and have missed from my earliest memories. She died when my father was a teenager. She never met my mother. She was the mother of five boys who always wanted a girl. From pictures and stories, I have always known several things about her: she would have loved me like a grandma should, she would have spoiled me, she would have influenced my life as a godly grandma, she passed her looks to me, I feel like we would have been very close, and even though I have very little idea of what she was actually like, I desperately wanted/want to be just like her.


Today is my birthday. It’s kind of a mediocre one this year because we lack money and it lands on my hardest work day. However, I received the greatest gift I have ever gotten from my dad. He wrote this in an email to me today:

“You have a lot of my Mom's qualities and characteristics, I think. Hair color, certain occasional mannerisms I see, and I think even some personality similarities. I think you and she would have really enjoyed each other's company - even if you were the same age, I think you would have been good friends.”

He had no idea of how much I wanted to believe those things all of my life. How much I yearned to know her and be loved by her, much less to be her friend. According to him, I AM like her.

I have never known you Grandma, never heard your laugh or feel your hug, but I love you with all of my heart. I can’t wait to meet you in heaven someday!

It’s funny how someone you have never met can impact your life so greatly.

Nanny Robot? Yes Please!

When are they going to come up with a nanny robot? I have been giving voice lessons for a while and have found them to be a spectacular way to make a living. There is little prep and I make twice as much per hour as I would with any other job. Oh and I love it! There's only one problem. Each student takes an hour of my undivided attention. Hard to do with a baby around. So far I've worked it around his naps or he'll play nicely while I work. However, as he ages this will get harder. When we add another kid this might become impossible. I'd love to go fulltime, but that would take hiring someone which makes the money not quite worth it. You know what would solve my problem? A nanny robot!!!! A one time payment to fulfill hours of babysitting needs! Maybe I just need to invent one.

In other voice studio news, I am getting my second full hour student (the full hour ones are not only the ones that pay, but the serious students so they're the ones I'm aiming for). This little guy is 13 and will be my first male student. I don't know very much yet about teaching guys. Add to that interesting complications with adolescent voice changes and...this will be interesting. But I'm looking forward to it! Wish I had more readers so I could get suggestions. :)

If at first you don't succeed...ah, screw it!

Today I am still reeling. It’s funny how some of the vilest enemies are our own minds, our own insecurities. It is obvious from the way the job rejection went down that my rejection was not a personal rejection of me, but rather the job was already in their minds filled with someone else, someone probably with more schooling and experience. Yet I cannot get my own insecurities out of my mind. As I said, if they won’t hire me who will? I must be very incapable if they don’t even look at my resume. Why can’t they see what a great person I am, how accomplished and how far just a little investment in me will take them? Must be because it’s all in my mind and not real. Right? Why did I ever think I could do this?!

Then at church today I looked up on stage and saw my replacement. Yep, they hired a young intern FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!!! He is young and not completely sure he wants to be a worship director and yet they hired him for three whole years, obviously investing in his future. Why didn’t they offer that to me? Did I miss an opportunity? Am I just not good enough? Who’s investing in my future? I’ve think we’ve established this week, no one. Why am I not worth investing in? Looking up at that young man who was leading worship, playing the piano (another thing I’m lacking) and seemingly clicking with the worship pastor like I never did, it just hit me that I have been enthusiastically replaced. They won’t need me for the next three years. The place I had to leave to have my son no longer wants or needs me back. Or at least that’s what my mind is telling me. I must confess, I wasn’t able to sing about the goodness of God this morning.

The funny thing is that I know this isn’t true. I’ve had people I respect and who are knowledgeable about music and directing encourage me and tell me that I am meant for this. I know myself that my confidence in my abilities are not mistaken. I know that God has created me to do this. I know that a lot of the problem is timing.

The bigger blow was in the little voice I heard in the car. I was driving home after finding out about my big rejection and asking God why. As I was quieting down from my tirade I heard clear as day the voice of God saying, “You were too proud. You wanted this for the wrong reasons.” I’ve had this experience a few times in my life, oddly always on the topic of my future in worship ministry. There is no possible way to deny God’s voice when you hear your Creator speaking. I knew it was Him…and I knew He was right. Those visions of grandeur, applause, ownership of a choir, respect in the community and power while not so bad that they make me the next Napolean still are not the right attitude I need to succeed. Those thoughts only grow with power and probably would have caused me to fail. I know that. Still, there is nothing worse than having your Creator acknowledge that you are in the wrong…to your face…audibly. Ouch. Knowing the reason is not comforting, it’s actually the worst part of this ordeal.

But at least I know the reason or a big part of it. Where do I go from here? God knows. I certainly don’t. Do I despair? Well, I am right now. Hopefully I’ll gain confidence as the sting wears off. Do I try again? Right now I’m considering just giving up my dream altogether as sticking my neck out and then being judged not good enough is too painful. Oh well, maybe by next week I’ll be able to shrug and say, “You win some, you lose some.”